My wife told me today my bike gear was too dirty to be washed in the washing machine… It just didn’t compute with me at all. 😐

I had an ex once ask if my car had the white or yellow number plates

Yes

ah beat me to it geoffi.
well done that man, i like your style

🙂

😆

GF I was seeing years ago…

Me: do you want Pepsi or Dr pepper.?

GF: Pepsi cus I don’t like peppers.

Class…!

GF: If you sleep with someone or cheat on me please don’t tell me as I can’t take it.

Why would you say that? and why would I cheat?

(I’m loyal as a puppy to my GF and would break up first before I cheated)

Gave her a right seeing to that night. She’s reassured now.

How do clouds move?

I want to ride round the world with you on a tandem. But you can do all the pedaling.

It’s like a penis, only smaller.

In a Mexican restaurant in Glasgow called Pancho Villas http://www.panchovillas.co.uk/

Perusing the menu my wife spies something called a “Pancho Burger”

She asks me “What kind of animal is a Pancho?”

GF mum points at tree stump and said “did a tree grow there?”

Mrs “Do Crunchy Nut Cornflakes contain Nuts?”

Whilst driving down the shore road to home at dusk, my wife, on looking at the large container ships currently anchored out on the Clyde at the moment turns and asks

” Where do those boats get their electricity from for their lights ? “

I said

” When they tie up to a bouy, a wee man runs down and plugs an extension lead into a socket on the bouy “

after a loooong pause of real thought

” Are you winding me up? ”

so called ‘Bev-isms’ as they’re known amongst our friends:

‘movie mongols’

‘ball-point figure’

…god, there’s loads more but my minds gone blank

Claire: “Electricity’s really useful, but I wish I could take it with me when I leave the house”

Everyone else at the bbq: “What – like batteries?”

Headfirst – I’ll see your Bev-isms, and raise you the following Claire-isms

Hypodemic Nurdles
White Emunshal
Stairal Spirecases
Tamper Tentrums

GF(now mrstubing) phones me at home from her mobile directly after a dead battery on my mobile cut short our conversation:
“whereabouts are you?”
“at home dear”
“oh, oh yeah so you are”

Flatmate at uni once commented on the use of “mongolia” emulsion paint on the walls.

Driving along a German autobahn MrFC said to me…”Where the hell is this ausfahrt place?…there are signs for it everywhere”!!!!!!!! 8)

Not the wife but I worked with a woman that used to ask you to put things in “numedical” order.

In the same workplace we had a Cardiff office. One morning at about 9:03 am, in our Glasgow office, a girl had tried to call the Cardiff office but no one answered. She came off the phone and complained that no one was ever in that office for 9am. I reminded her about the 1 hour time difference between Glasgow and Cardiff.

“Ah right” she said…

ROFLMAO @ bob

Friends x wife refused a new washing machine as it only washed Reds. When asked what she was talking about, she pointed to the front of the machine where it said “Coloureds”.

Many many years ago, camping in Wales – ex wife looks up at the sheep on this very steep hill and asked how they manage to walk up there. Told her the sheep on these hills have 2 legs on one side which are shorter, thus allowing them to walk aroung the hills safely.

Ex (at some ungodly hour of the morning…):

If I was a fish, what kind would I be?

mates ex girlfriend looks at a bedside reading lamp, the on off switch had little raised lumps on it.

“ah” she said

“that’ll be for blind people then”

i had a boss who’s name is Shane Thompson. He once answered the phone “Hello, Sean Thompson speaking”.

I only have two pairs of hands

Many years ago whilst on a trip to the recycling centre:-

I merrily binned all the glass to find my wife (then GF) at the paper recycling bin cursing under her breath and furiously going through all her old magazines tearing out random pages before throwing the remainder of the magazine in. I asked her what on earth she was up to and she pointed up to the sign over the bin – “I don’t know why but it says I can’t put in any yellow pages!”

It took me a good few minutes to pick myself off the floor and stop crying!

The best bit was that after I’d dined out on the story for a couple of year we were out at dinner and a woman that we had never met before start telling a story about this stupid friend of a friend of a friend and the yellow pages incident – the story had done a complete circle! It’s good to know she’d managed to fill all those embarrasing silences at dinner parties with her mupetness!

Foxychick – for the first few turn offs, i thought that too!!

should i have just kept that quiet?

(now) wife came out of shower and said “That shower Gel said its good for 30 uses – but i could only really think of washing with it – what else would you use it for ?”

I laughed…

Driving along a German autobahn MrFC said to me…”Where the hell is this ausfahrt place?…there are signs for it everywhere”!!!!!!!!

before I met her, my Mrs once suggested that “cafe entrance” was a really strange name for a town 🙄

most things that come out of her mouth

GF(now mrstubing)

I misread this the first time!

IGMC

Headfirst – I’ll see your Bev-isms, and raise you the following Claire-isms

Aha! I have a Claire and her ‘isms’ too…

Snail Pail
Winter Springing
and apparently, the other day she ‘noticed a notice on the notice board’. Bless her….

Told her the sheep on these hills have 2 legs on one side which are shorter, thus allowing them to walk aroung the hills safely.

Tsss that is very stupid… Everybody knows that this animal (the one with a pair of legs shorter than the other) is not a sheep, but a dahu 😛

Tsss that is very stupid… Everybody knows that this animal (the one with a pair of legs shorter than the other) is not a sheep, but a dahu

Nope its a Haggis

bruneep no no no no and foucking no…
Ask anyone it’s a dahu… You can even go dahu hunting

When the Queen Mother died it was in the news that she had formerly been Queen and that her name was Elizabeth. Given that the current Queen is Elizabeth the Second, my wife put 2 and 2 together and concluded that The Queen Mum had been Elizabeth the First.

It was only through references to the chronology of the Blackadder series’ that I could convince her that she was wrong.

statement: “you love that bloody bike more than me!”

reply: “and your point is?”

now divorced 5 years lol