Different answer to the OP's one, i wont write it all out…
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My Beyonce Poster 🙂

what's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's finger

what's worse then a dog chewing your shoe?

an killer whale eating your trainer

what's E.T short for?
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it's because he had little legs

2 men on a bridge above a river……

1st man attaches a Parrot to each arm and shoulder and jumps off! BIG splash, allmost dies but makes it back to the river bank…

2nd man attaches a budgie to each arm and shoulder and jumps off! BIG splash, allmost dies but makes it to the river bank….

1 st man says " dont recon much to this PARROT gliding"….
2nd man says "this BUDGIE jumping is crap as well……

😉 😛

tazzymtb – Member

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

Thats funny – evil and twisted but the only on that I genuine loled at

Two lions escape from Blackpool zoo, they're walking along the seafront and one says to the other..
"I thought it would be busier than this on a bank holiday Monday"

Man points a gun at a woman in the ice cream van.
"Give me an ice cream!"
"Do you want chopped nuts with that?"
"Do you want your tits blowing off?"

Why's the queen a slag?

Cos shes got E.R. written on her knickers

what's brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards ?
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The Isle of Wight ferry
(it's white, doesn't steam, forwards I think and Cowes is spelt wrong but I loved that joke when I was ten)

What do the lions at London zoo get for lunch?
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Half an hour, same as the tigers…

whats red and hard and goes in tarts ?
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rhubarb 😆

A man walks into the doctors with a carrot in his ear and a stick of celery up his nose.
the doctor says "you're not eating properly."

whats red and lies on its side?

a dead bus

what do you call an italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto

what do you call a frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Fillop

Whats red and smells of paint?

Red paint

and to finish my favourite joke of the 21st century

When does saddam hussain have his dinner?

when Tariq Aziz

I went to the zoo the other day. It was rubbish! Only had one animal, a small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

Reg.

I need to wait for my 9yo to come home from school before I post any other cr@p jokes, he's got a good few to share.

😆

Any more??

Why do mice have small balls?
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Because not many know how to dance

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
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Microwave it until its bill withers.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down a hill and turned into a field

What's E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs

Two blonds walk into a bar…. you'd have thought the 2nd one would have seen it.

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom boom.

how do you annoy Lady GaGa?
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Poker Face

2 snowmen in a field 1 turns to the other says "can you smell carrots?"

2 Nuns in a bath, one says,
"Where's the soap"
The other says,
"Yes it does doesn't it."

Bill and Ben in the bath.
Bill farts, Ben says,
"About half past 10"

what do ypu call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call afly with no wings?
A walk!

A penguin walks into a bar and asks "has my brother been in?"
Barman replies " Dunno, whats he look like?"

😆

Dont usually ask people to explain jokes…

But beamers –

beamers – Member
2 Nuns in a bath, one says,
"Where's the soap"
The other says,
"Yes it does doesn't it."

I have heard that plenty of times before, but never 'got' it. Somebody please explain 🙂

A few of my favourites

my dog minton ate my shuttlecock
bad minton

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I have heard that plenty of times before, but never 'got' it. Somebody please explain

Handyman

Really?

Nuns are celibate right?

Where's = wears

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
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Cos the parrots eat the all…

What's brown and rhymes with 'Snoop'?

Dr Dre

What's pink and hard?

The Financial Times crossword.

What's pink and Hard? A pig with a baseball bat

A man walks into a bar; "Looking good, have you been working out?" say the peanuts. "Yeah but he's bald and he smells" says the fruit machine.
Confused, the man goes to the bar and the barman says "The peanuts are complimentary, sorry the fruit machine's out of order".

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
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He drowned on his own vimto.

What do call a cow with Wings?

Linda McCartney

(Possibly a Tommy Cooper one)

One in five people in the world is Chinese.

I've got five brothers: Bob, Jim, Mike, Dingxiang and Pete…

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I think it's Jim.

what did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam!

What do you call a man with an arm on his head?

Ahmed

Two nuns riding bikes down a cobbled street. One says, "I've never come this way before"

The other says, "Oh, I have…."

did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

he worked it out with a pencil!

😆
Some good (bad) ones there,what about sick jokes?

What's red and screams?
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A peeled baby in a bucket of salt

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa!

😳

What do you call a man with fifty rabbits up his bum?
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Warren