In the sandwicheater house, the admittance that you’re getting a bacon bap on the way to work must never be said. Only implied by vague excuses.

This morning, i craved bacon so skipped breakfast with the kids. When quizzed, i calmly explained we likely needed some 10 inch galvanised do-hickeys with tassels as i’d not seen any lying around so HAD to dash of early.

Nuff said.

What are yours?

I can almost smell the bacon being cooked at your house, now that you’re out of the way 😀

Narrows eyes in scaredypants general direction.

Ponders how they know my wife so well.

Gets distracted by kittens on the internet. Tee hee, it thinks it’s people.

no questions or statements about diary entries until second coffee of the morning.

Anything like: “and dont forget you’re picking the kids up at 4:23pm from the third house on the left, the one with the red door, on Acacia Avenue, and remember to take 2 packed lunches and their swimming kit….” will be filed in the mental rubbish bin otherwise. And I can plead de-caffination in defence.

6:00pm is beer o’clock
7:00pm is wine o’clock

Do you mean the rules that apply to me or the rules that apply to her? Because they’re quite different, if not completely contradictory.

Stuff left on the stairs to be taken up later, must never be taken up later

if we’re down to our last few quid and have run out of tobacco and wine, tobacco wins, even though I’m the only smoker in the household

It’s funny how some of these rules are universal.

No politics 😕

She can’t help just repeating what her dad has told her or what she’s read in some Murdoch tabloid, and I can’t help being a patronising dick about it 🙁

We get on brilliant apart from that though! 😀

No sex.

Never ask why Daddy has so many bikes.

If those beans ain’t Heinz Beanz, they ain’t coming in this house.

House calendar rules:

1/ Anything written on by the wife is sacrosanct.
2/ Husband may not add events to calendar without wife’s approval.
3/ Wife may have added events to calendar without actually writing them on the calendar, but if they’re in her mind then they count.
4/ Events in husband’s mind do not exist until they have been added to calendar (rule 2 applies)
5/ Wife may randomly delete events from calendar without notice. This can either be done physically or just in her mind.
6/ Any conflicts, wife has casting vote.

“It’s fine” does not mean “it’s fine”.

If I happen to trump, it is deemed to be disgusting.
I say I’m allowed to trump in the bathroom, the garage, or anywhere outside. This is met with suspicion and grudging acceptance. But it’s not funny. Laughing at my own is not allowed or tolerated.
Any slightly odd or out of place smell is questioned –
“Have you trumped?”
“No dear. We’ve been through this before, there’s always an amusing sound before you need to prepare for any niffs with mine”
“Hmmmmmmmm….”

However….

If Mrs PP is to trump then none of the above applies. No apologies and usually no warning amusing noise.
And of course it’s hilarious and prompts fits of giggles which can provoke even more trumpage.
And of course the stench from a (veggie…) ladies trumps can peel the wallpaper and fog up double glazing on occasion which is obviously not as bad as it seems or even surprising apparently…..

🙂

If I’m hungover then that day is a good day to do “stuff”, often involving vacuum cleaning or shopping.
If she’s hungover then quiet is to be maintained at all times and all plans are cancelled.

No cakes,biscuits,confectionery or alcohol to be consumed on the premises.
Person carrying the most body fat makes the tea.

The toilet roll must be replaced when last piece used with with the loose leaf at the front not the back. The consequences of not doing this are too awful to contemplate so I comply

“It’s fine” does not mean “it’s fine”.

There are 2 words you never ever ever want to hear pass the lips of anyone female….

“I’m fine”

Apparently there are unwritten rules regarding rubbish for better half. She can have a sort out of her stuff in the lounge, but instead of taking the rubbish outside to the wheelie bin, recycled can be dumped in in the kitchen recycling bin without being flattened so it it overflowing and the lounge general bin can be left with bits twice the height of the basket for days. Plus bags of guinea pig waste must sit at the top of the stairs for days.

I have to count to ten, very regularly, to stop myself having a major go at her!

The main ones are:

1. She’s entitled to lose her car keys/purse/phone/all of them with dizzying frequency and it’s my task to provide my car/credit card/phone/all of them on demand and without delay irrespective of whether I’m leaving the house to go to work/ordering something online/speaking to my boss.

2. In spite of working away for much of the week, the amazing housework and tidying up fairy only seems to get going once I’m back at home. I mean, what a coincidence?!!

Just one thing.

If she wants to be a veggie we’re fine. If she tries to force that on me we’re very much not.

“I’m fine”….. Ain’t that the truth – last time my wife was ‘fine’ it turned out she was pregnant

listner – Member
Just one thing.
If she wants to be a veggie we’re fine. If she tries to force that on me we’re very much not

And further to that, never mention upgrading to vegan, lest you release the unconscious stream of expletives that exited my mouth last time she threatened it…

It’s the family dog until it’s sick or needs walking, then it’s my dog

Under no circumstances is it acceptable to ‘Nurf The Murf’ (Our lab is called Murf) – extenuending circumstances such as a) being drunk b) being mid battle with a 15 year old and c) only hitting the dog because the cat moved quickly are in no way acceptable either.

No MTB clothes allowed directly in the washing machine between October And May. First they must be hand washed in the bucket of doom before further a final QA check.

Farting in bed OR stealing the duvet. One or the other. Never both in the same evening.

Children have to empty the dishwasher and listen to the SAME STORY about how lucky / lazy / ungrateful they are if they utter a SINGLE WORD of complaint.

And the diary thing. All of that 😉

I’m “sheldon cooperesque” everything is written down! 😉

Any question with , “what do you think” means the wife has already decided upon the answer.
I must not question said answer.
The shed is my domain. Visiting rights only upon invitation.

Apparently all important questions can only be asked just as I’m leaving for work and going out the door……

At the split second my backside hits the sofa, a cry from the bathroom will summon me like a “downstairs” character in Downton Abbey to hand her a razor to shave her legs. The razor will inevitably be in the place she last put it, often within reach if she was to move.

The TV takes priority over the hifi.

Her choice of TV programmes takes priority.

Do you mean the rules that apply to me or the rules that apply to her? Because they’re quite different, if not completely contradictory

House calendar rules:

1/ Anything written on by the wife is sacrosanct.
2/ Husband may not add events to calendar without wife’s approval.
3/ Wife may have added events to calendar without actually writing them on the calendar, but if they’re in her mind then they count.
4/ Events in husband’s mind do not exist until they have been added to calendar (rule 2 applies)
5/ Wife may randomly delete events from calendar without notice. This can either be done physically or just in her mind.
6/ Any conflicts, wife has casting vote

Do men who frequent mountain bike forums attract a certain type of wife? 😉

What’s a “wife”

Only one rule: put it back where you found it

It’s the same for gay households. I just do as I’m told and everything seems to run more easily. Especially the diary thing.

All errors/disasters are my fault
All progress/improvements are due to her diligence

I gave up years ago

“This house is a mess” is an apparently legitimate complaint.

Tidying up the mess she made is not a legitimate activity.

If I do something for her it instantly becomes precadent, if she doesn’t something for me, it’s a ‘favour’.

If you complain about having a headache or any other type of pain, sickness or discomfort expect “have you taken something for it?” and you better say yes before any sympathy is forthcoming.

I’m the man of the house (male moggie doesn’t count) therefore I have to have the TV / DVD / cable box remotes lined up on the beer table next to MY chair for use as I see fit. It’s the law.

The garage is for motorbikes and bicycles only. The other detritus of family life lives in the cellar or the shed. It’s the law.

Stuff left on the stairs goes in the bin.

Nothing gets left on the stairs now = good rule.