Watching some ducks flying and said to my son look ducks he replied those are not ducks because ducks can’t fly.

My wife once asked me whether Google Earth was live…

At a school year reunion last year

“So, how old are you?”

Out with a group on Scafell…

“Whats that down there?” (Sellafield)
“Its a cloud factory to clean clouds”
“Really”
“Yes really, they suck the dirty grey clouds in at night (through the cooling towers), clean them up, and shove them out again during the day”
“Wow!”

Kids eh…

I had a panicked phone call from a friend (Emma) a few years ago: “Ron, I hope you don’t mind me ringing but I’m afraid to ring Adam (her bloke) because he’ll kill me.”

Me: “Err, ok, go then. What’s happened?”

Emma: “I’ve only gone and put Super Unleaded in the car”

Me: “Shit. That’s not good! Hey, how come you’re driving Adam’s car anyway?”

Emma: “No, I’m in my Ka.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, you might just get slightly more miles this time before you have to fill up.”

😆

Adam’s never forgiven her not not calling him first!

“cheese sandwich”

“Dick!”

An ex once asked if it was the white or yellow number plates that I had on my car.

My mate upon trying to find some details about a film:

“how do you spell IMDB?”

😆

to be fair this wasn’t long after a session on the bong.

a girl I used to work with visiting her boyfriend in hospital. He was being seen to behind the curtains so she made small talk with the man in the next bed.

Her: What are you in for?

Him: MS

Her: What, you had an accident in Marks and Spencers?

A few years back, a colleague crashed her car into 5 or 6 parked cars on the way to work, driving down a gentle but snowy slope towards the office. I thought it was a bit weird because I rode my motorbike down it about 5 minutes before. So how did it happen?

Her:”The car just started sliding all by itself, I didn’t do anything”
Me:”Wow, that must have been scary”
Her:”It was! And no matter how hard I pressed the brake pedal, it just wouldn’t stop sliding!”

sara’s mum found out that I was more than just a friend when she stumbled in on us in a ‘comprimsing’ situation, this prompted a conversation with her mum in the kitchen.

I could hear sara “Mum, I’m gay”
then I heard her mum mumble something, but couldn’t make it out, I heard sara sigh and say “Yes mum, emsz is as well”

😆

[*]To be fair you might be bi for all her mum knows.

Phonecall from friend’s sister:
“I’m worried I’ve got a puncture”
“How bad is it? Is it completely flat?”
“No, not that bad, there’s plenty of air in the top half”

emsz – thats genius!!

emsz wins the thread again 🙂

My wife once asked me whether Google Earth was live

You’d be surprised how many people have asked me that.

On a guided tour of Marble Arch caves in Fermanagh. At the end, they turn out the lights to show you what a total absence of light is like, an American just in front of us whispered to his family “Wow just think how dark it would be if you came at night!”

Incredulous would have described our faces, if you could have seen them.

Got a mate who’s wife was convinced that all gliders were radio controlled………

While watching the natural history BBC caveman series (caveman life reproduced with actors, make-up and computers) on T.V while at uni a house mate turned to me and said,

“the thing I don’t get is, how come this footage is in colour?”.

Incredible.

Also, from now on I have to call ducks ‘water chickens’.

Quite a few years ago a mate of mines girlfriend asked what the yellow strips across the road (the one’s that make the car rumble) before you approach roundabouts were for. To which my mate said “they’re for blind people so they know they are approaching a roundabout”.. she didn’t question it 🙂

Northwind’s winter story reminds me of mine. Offering advice to a woman in the car park at work whose car’s wheels were spinning on the snowy ground I suggested that she try moving off in second gear. “Where’s second gear?” she asked.

On another occasion, in Greggs I heard a mother tell her 5 year old son that he couldn’t have a doughnut with pink icing because “you’re a lad, you’re no’ a poof”.

I’m no longer working in Craigmillar and for that I’m glad. 🙂

A few years back arrived for work to find big BBC van blocking entrance to car park this was a Thursday morning it was there filming songs of praise at adjoining church. It was bit of hassle to drive round block to the other entrance. I settled into work ten minutes later colleague arrived cursring and chuntering on that some big van had blocked car park entrance .I explained to him that it was BBC filming songs of praise his reply ” I thought songs of praise was on Sunday” what a plank

At my wife’s uni dinner when one of her friends expressed to the table that she plays rugby, in fact she plays in goal!

I have worked with a couple of right special cases, a couple of dumb things they said that sticks in my mind

no1: “I don’t eat Tuna ‘cos it’s got Dolphins in it and it says so on the tin” pointing at the Dolphin friendly logo

no2: “Sweetcorn is magnetic, it reforms in your body, that’s how come it comes out the other end the looking the same as it went in”

Nick – Member

what happens if it rains?

atlaz – Member

The book gets wet

No you **** retard, you get wet, skin is waterproof, mtfu

Is the Pope Jewish?

‘Do you want chilli sauce?’

I mean, come on…. 🙄

‘Sir’
‘Yes Katrina’
‘How do you spell GCSE?’

Our country has a bright future 🙁

My friend Sally is lovely, but she come sup with some right nonsense… On being asked why Ambulance was written backwards on the bonnet of an ambulance, she responded immediately with “Its so dogs can read it.”.

I have no idea where to start with that!

On a climbing trip in Morocco, a fellow climber asked our Irish driver “do many people die here….?”. The answer, “yeah, most of em”. 🙂

Rachel’s the winner so far for me…

I think one of the best stupid conversations I had was with a mate, talking about how long our drive to Nottingham would take. We were leaving at 1 and expected to be there around 4 – eg a 3hr drive. My mate was convinced it was 4 hours. “1, 2, 3, 4” he kept counting on his fingers. “That’s FOUR hours”. It took most of the trip up to convince him otherwise.

Mind you, we also convinced him that the race were were driving up there for was on an uphill lake…

On a RTW motorcycle trip astonished locals who’d never seen a gigantic 1100cc BMW always asked a load of questions.

My favourites were:

“What is the maximum speed of you bike please?”

“About 200kmh.”

“And what is the minimum speed?”

“Err….zero.”

And

“Does you bike have air conditioning?”

i pulled up to a McDonalds drive through a few year ago and ordered a brekkie, the guy in the window asked me if it was to take away…

Not wanting to waste an opportunity I said , “nope, was just pre-ordering so it would be ready when I get in…”

Was in our local late bar after a night out.

Lots of pictures of big military planes.

I said it was a bit weird that they had loads of photos of military hardware.

Blank stares from my mates.

Was then I remembered the place is called B52s…

My mate does track days on a bike, he has a set of pictures of him high siding that are pretty spectacular. Full flying X and bouncing down the track.

His sons ex saw these photos and said to my mate “Oh my god is that you? You must of been killed”

Whilst sitting in the sixth form common room a good few years back one of the guys put some music on the stereo. Third song in and another guy shouts accross the room

MATE I FRICKING LOVE THIS SONG YOU GOT IT ON CD OR COMPACT DISK? ANY CHANCE OF A COPY?

This was then followed by a short silence and then pretty much the entire sixth form rolling arround laughing there asses off.

Walked into a lettings agents on Deansgate, “i’m looking for a three bedroom flat”, “we’ve got a two and a one bed you could rent”. Nice one, cheers.

Ex GF, trained Architect. While watching the F1 the safety car comes out on lap 20ish, “is that to show them the way around?”. Brilliant.

Ordering food in Burger King, asked for a beanburger without cheese. “Sorry mate, we’ve run out of cheese” came the reply.

I used to know someone who thought Spain was on another planet.

“Is Africa in Europe?”

My SO while de-seeding a bell pepper said to me
‘If I was stuck on a desert island I would use this as a cup!’
After a small chuckle I pointed out to her the chances of bell peppers growing wild on such an island would be slim.
Now whenever I am de-seeding a pepper I hold it up and look at it and say ‘you know what if I was stuck…’ childish I know.