What do you like to say before, during or after a fart?

My current favourite of which I am yet to get bored is…

‘And if you listen……it sounds like a golf‘ with a little backfire in the middle (from Viz)

Yours?

“It was the cat”

‘A bit more choke and She’d have started!’

Or

‘That works now try your lights!’

Kenny Senior – Member
‘And if you listen……it sounds like a golf’

Actually, if you have a pus-filled inflamation in the rectum it sounds more like a Japanese motorcycle.

Everyone knows an abcess makes the fart go Honda

And if you listen……it sounds like a golf

Genius.

I had a fair bit of Stinking Bishop last night. I’m amazed at the accuracy of my bottom in replicating the smell of that cheese this afternoon.

was that you?

That’s better.

After: “Mr brown, you’re through”

Or

/double clap

“Wipers”

(Think ‘coming to America’)

More tea vicar?

Name that tune.

More tea vicar?

No thanks, it makes me fart.

Wait for it……….

…………Mmmmmm nice!

Oh ****, I’ve followed through

After: That was just a bugle call to say the wee khaki chaps are coming.

Fenton !

in case you were thinking of putting your head under the duvet – don’t

Better out than in.

Banzai!

Mmmm vitamins

Oh god I have shit my pants

Etc

On a similar note, if there’s a suspicion of an air biscuit and the question, “Have you farted?” is aired, I always reply with,

“No. Would you like me to?”

“Keep talking Sir! We’ll find you!!”

Pardon me fa bein rude. It wazzant me. I was my food.

“Listen to the audience clapping their hands …”

My six y-o has a game where, if you fart, you have to say “safety” before someone else says “doorknob”. If they’re quicker, they get to keep punching your arm until you touch a door knob or handle.

I’m so proud… 😀

‘Aaaaaahhhhh’

“Carpet frog” as in I’ve stood on a carpet frog

Hold on…….fax coming through!

Or if I’m at the in laws, “cor those floorboards are creaky”.
The amount of times the old man has had the carpet up shows I’m on to a winner!!

Fadda, my 3 best mates and I play the same game. We’re 27. Each, not collectively.

Weve been teaching jnr to say “excuse me”. During his (public) swimming class yesterday, he paused in the middle of the pool surrounded by an inordinate amount of bubbles and shouted “EXCOOOOOOSE ME” at the top of his voice.

I gazed at the ceiling as if denying he was my kid…

If it’s someone at work I generally shout “eeuuurgh sp*nk”.

“No. Would you like me to?”

let me guess, your other half doesn’t find that amusing either? no sense of humour

I trained both ours to say ‘Pardon my bottom’.

I think they might say it at school, but I’m not sure.

“Badger” without fail.

oh yeh, check that funk

My youngest son, 2.5, without fail points at me and declares ‘That was YOU’ whenever he farts.

I forgive him though because he calls his bawbag his ‘hanging brain’.

‘Say nowt love, they all think it was me’.

My youngest son, 2.5, without fail points at me and declares ‘That was YOU’ whenever he farts.

I get a theatrical stage whisper: “Waaaas that your bottom?”
Followed by loud delighted cries of “Stinky daddy. Stinky daddy. Poo, poo, poo!”

Always goes down a treat in the queue at Tesco.

Amusingly she does this even when it was her. 😀

Call of the mockingbird