Coming ta get ya…

steatoda bipunctata I reckon.

Found one myself the other day.

One of the false widows so if you read the Sun yes you will die. You probably are already dead.

Can’t get image to display using phone.

https://photos.google.com/share/AF1QipMIs6lW0UrEhew_ZxGIqzyYWeEgxBl126NGHG8sDDiD-F5G6ndEltAU_tC5o5Ym4A/photo/AF1QipMrFM64yKGZX6-W3d9OzrCHIun7lZEucqwAJ58u?key=VXNxbVdZM0E1YjlzUWtTeVdla0V5Y2plV3dadWVB

Laserdeathninjia ripuanooarseholia

issa garden spider innit?

@thestabiliser 😆 although whether you’ve offended the swear filter is another matter…

Double Post.

Looks like a small crab to me?

a mummy garden spider

Looks a bit like a Garden Orb, but the colour is off, it’s too red, Orb spiders are a ‘cold’ brown and cream with a clearly defined cream cross.
I’m certain it’s not a Steatoda, it’s not shiny and the legs are too dark.
Garden Orb spider, Araneus diadematus

Thanks. Garden spider doesn’t sound very deadly or impressive, but is looking plausible.
Think I’ll tell my wife it was a

Laserdeathninjia ripuanooarseholia

instead 🙂

the stabiliser…….thanks I think I’ve just wet myself!

Although apparently it didn’t have a defined cross on its back. (Mrs Mellie saw it, not me).