My lad is under the impression that in Italy you will go to prison for putting red sauce on a sausage sandwich.

The PIR sensors in every room for the alarm system are CCTV cameras for Santa.

Everytime the red light comes on, an elf is watching

Everytimne the red light comes on an elf is watching

If only somebody had told Damian “turbo-knuckles” Green this.

Soft play centres are only open when it’s raining.

“Because you drank all of the milk in them”

When asked why mummy’s boobs aren’t as big as other women’s boobs..

Garlic is a place, it’s where Garlic bread comes from.
Brocolli is very tasty, you’ll love it.

Skateboarding is safe as I shall now demonstrate on next door neighbour’s kids skateboard ramp. That was followed by the more factually accurate “I think I need an ambulance”

I was a founding member of Boyzone. (She believed it for a short while as well.)

Luke, I’m your father. 😯

The wife is indoctrinating them into Christianity. Have to smile though as my youngest, who takes after me with her more cynical and curious mind, is already questioning it all, she’s not quite believing it and finding it all a bit far fetched. It’s quite funny listening to the religious babble the wife trots out trying to justify the untruths in the bible. I’m just keeping my mouth shut for now to keep the peace. I’ll address it all when they’re older.

Having said that she still believes in Santa, but Santa brings her gifts every year. It’s easy to bribe children if you want to.

Not sure I should share this on a public forum…

One summers night Mrs TW and myself put the kids to bed and sat in the garden for a drink. Long story short we ended up having a “quickie” in the garden. When we were interrupted by our 6 yr old daughter who asked “Mum, what are you doing?” We told her we were “sunbathing” (we were under pressure and it was the first thing that popped into my head, ok) she seemed to believe us even though it was past 9pm.

Ice Cream vans play the tune when they’ve sold out.

Everytimne the red light comes on an elf is watching
If only somebody had told Damian “turbo-knuckles” Green this.

I believe that was one of the sites he visited – LiveElf

We didn’t tell them what ice cream vans were for many years. Then they asked ‘what’s that sound I can hear?’

Not my kids but my two nieces… their aunty (my wife) has wings coz she’s an angel and can fly. Cue an hour of frantic arm flapping from 6 year old twin girls around the park.

To the same twins… that lump on the back of my head is an extension I had to have built when I went to uni and got cleverer.

The wife is indoctrinating them into Christianity. Have to smile though as my youngest, who takes after me with her more cynical and curious mind, is already questioning it all, she’s not quite believing it and finding it all a bit far fetched. It’s quite funny listening to the religious babble the wife trots out trying to justify the untruths in the bible. I’m just keeping my mouth shut for now to keep the peace. I’ll address it all when they’re older.

Same situation here. last year our youngest (who was 6 at the time) cornered the vicar and asked him if he’d ever actually seen God or Jesus.
When he said no, Charlotte replied – ‘we’ll I’ve been coming here for ages, and I’ve not seen them either, I’m beginning to think they don’t exist’

She’s not been back to church since.

My wife tells the kids that a red flashing light on those little rides you see outside supermarkets means they are broken.

I’ve also told them that every time you mention Christmas before Halloween a witch drowns a baby reindeer.

Same situation here. last year our youngest (who was 6 at the time) cornered the vicar and asked him if he’d ever actually seen God or Jesus.
When he said no, Charlotte replied – ‘we’ll I’ve been coming here for ages, and I’ve not seen them either, I’m beginning to think they don’t exist’

She’s not been back to church since

That will have really shown the silly vicar, who probably had no answer at all!

It’s a bit of a family tradition in my Wife’s Family to warn naughty children that’ll they’ll have to go to visit ‘Mrs Price’ who runs Cardiff Prison for naughty children.

I bought into it a little too much and told the eldest I’d been sent there and offered up a couple of my scars as proof. Not long after some of the other parents in the school yard are gossiping about one of the Dad’s ‘doing a bit of bird’. The fact that I didn’t show up until he was 5 only added to it.

Worth it though, once when he’d been unbearable for weeks on end he got a letter in the post, very offical looking telling him to report to prison, he pleaded for another chance which he got, but it soon slipped. A few weeks later we packed him a bag and drove him to the gates, it fixed his attitude for over a year, I’m sure there was some mental scars left, but it was worth it 😉

A lad I know told his son that the TV transmitter at Rivington was actually the North Pole sticking out the ground and that Santa could see everything you was doing from the top of it 😆

A lad I know told his son that the TV transmitter at Rivington was actually the North Pole sticking out the ground and that Santa could see everything you was doing from the top of it

I often have a wee at the end of the flagstones up there. I’ll face the other way in future.

I often have a wee at the end of the flagstones up there. I’ll face the other way in future.

I wouldn’t worry too much. having a wee is quiet discreet compared to other activities I’ve seen being performed up there 😯 😀

I often have a wee at the end of the flagstones up there. I’ll face the other way in future.

Santa still knows.

Another was that the Perth recycling centre, visible as you cross the Friarton Bridge was a baby scrapyard and was where all the naughty kids ended up.

You’re only allowed blue xmas lights on your house or tree if you’re in the police (I think he’s cottoned to that one now though).

A few weeks later we packed him a bag and drove him to the gates, it fixed his attitude for over a year, I’m sure there was some mental scars left, but it was worth it

Now THAT’S my kind of parenting. I salute you PJ!

(given my user name) my daughter’s nickname is “monkey”. When she had her injections as a nipper we told her it was for “monkeyfever”
For years she told her friends she was immune from monkeyfever.
I am a bad parent…. 😆

That I’m Batman

Oh and that the PIR detector is Santa’s camera

Pubs contain powerful electro-magnets which draw daddy’s towards them by their fillings

The list is too long..

A few years ago I was at a party where my mate Dave* got the child of one of the other guests to go round handing out Pringles, told him what to say to be polite and everything.

So this lad went round everyone with a plate of Pringles, “excuse me, would you like a Pringle?” Then waited until the guest had a mouthful of crisp before sagely adding, “They’ve got jizz on them.”

Dave’s defence later was that he told him to say “cheese.” I do not for a moment believe this to be true. (-:

(* – does everyone have a “my mate Dave” incidentally? It seems awfully common)

The robins in the garden are monitoring and reporting good and bad behaviour back to Santa.

(* – does everyone have a “my mate Dave” incidentally? It seems awfully common)

They do indeed Cougar

I don’t have kids but i did once convince a girlfriend that the security tabs on supermarket alcohol bottles would explode if you took them out of the shop 😀

geoffj – Member
Ice Cream vans play the tune when they’ve sold out.

😆
Awesome.

I once told a 12 year old nephew that Richard Branson went up in a hot air balloon, with a mate of his, and he went so high that he started to go into Earths Orbit and they needed the Shuttle to go collect them..
The story lasted about 3 years when one day he called me up on it, in the garden full of family… and we all burst out laughing..
I’m not too sure he’s rightly forgiven me for it yet..

They do indeed Cougar

Damn it, I have a crap memory. I even replied on that thread!

I don’t lie to them

No, mummy and daddy definitely do NOT eat loads of treats and chocolates after you’ve gone to bed! How dare you?!

If my kids don’t work hard at school then the only job they will get will be pedalling inside the wind turbines for 12hrs a day.

Not my kids, but my older brother convinced me (when I was about six) that spare ribs were actually from Chinese people that had, you know, more ribs than needed. I believed it for a few years 😳