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  • Turd
  • rossi46
    Free Member

    Well someones got to make a crap thread right?
    Got any poo stories? Any amusing toilet humour?


    Air your Walnut Whips and celebrate your Stonehenges here…..

    cynic-al
    Free Member

    Sorry for the cut and paste:

    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY:
    This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE:
    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK:
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH:
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME:
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
    This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS:
    A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR:
    This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH:
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE:
    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON:
    A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET:
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TODD:
    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

    rossi46
    Free Member

    😆

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    D0NK
    Full Member

    excellent cynical

    rocketman
    Free Member

    Was in trap #1 at work the other day when a co-worker came in. I knew who it was because of his distinctive cough and he observed toilet etiquette by using trap #3 even though trap #2 was vacant.

    After the customary courtesy flush and covering the toilet with seemingly yards of toilet paper he settled down.

    There then followed the most eyeball-popping series of agonised groans and massive farts I have ever heard it sounded as though the poor sod was dying. A proppa gritted teeth frenzied crap if ever there was one.

    It was all over in about a minute 😆

    JonEdwards
    Free Member

    Needed to make a mid-train journey piss stop last week. When I opened the lid I was slightly surprised to find a Douglas standing up looking back at me.

    The 2″ dia log hadn’t fitted down the 1.5″ dia vacuum U-bend, and had got stuck halfway and so was standing erect and proud to welcome the next desperate user. Add a helping of sweetcorn into the mix, and it definitely had eyes….

    rossi46
    Free Member

    😆

    [video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YPlv5Wdkc0[/video]

    bobfleming
    Full Member

    Excellent.

    Isn’t it brilliant when a thread turns to sh**te.

    You’d all fit in well with my mates, you may like to take a peek at their site at http://www.sh**club.biz (site is safe and just for fun but can’t say what you’ll get if you miss-type!)

    Cheers

    novaswift
    Free Member

    Cracking tale in Sir Christ Hoys book about a young BMX rider he knew who tried to save money by avoiding the restaurant and making his own chilli. As he had the runs later on the sound was akin to a flock of pigeons taking off!!

    slownorm
    Free Member

    It’s strange how sometimes you let things slip when you perhaps should keep them to yourself.
    What seems like an age ago while working in Germany a good mate returned from the toilet with a very sheepish look.
    It was his first experience of an inspection shelf on the toilet and couldn’t help but tell all about how he had laid quite a monster and while having a sit down lady wipe had managed to knuckle the top from the the mr whippy!

    rossi46
    Free Member

    while having a sit down lady wipe

    😆

    Pook
    Full Member

    Who’s Lady Wipe? Is she some kind of bathroom attendent?

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