I know staying positive is a must its hard to stick your feelings in a drawer (I’m all to good at doing that) the overtones of negativity keep escaping out…
Given what you’re dealing with I’d say feeling shit is perfectly normal, don’t beat yourself up about it.
Dont confuse being positive with a stiff upper lip mentality. Your boys undergoing tests, nothing more but even so it’s natural to contemplate on all the possible outcomes and what they might mean for you all in the future. In many ways these are the hardest times because you know next to nothing but assume everything so being upset, frightened, confused and otherwise generally a bit morose are all perfectly normal reactions.
For me, I can just about manage to hold it together so long as I mentally distance myself from our situation but the last thing I want to be is distant so I’d rather be upset, get it over with and then focus on what we do next to improve the situation by even a little bit. My emotional reaction came as a surprise to me but it is my honest unrepressed reaction.
You may be different and cope in a completely different way and I’m sure you’ll want to try and keep any anxiety hidden from your lad but that appropriate and well intentioned deceit aside you do need to be honest with your emotions and do whatever you need to in order to work through them. It might be talking to your wife, a mate or stw randoms, could be a workout, a run, beating the bejesus out of a punchbag, playing with your lad, going for a walk. Whatever it is that works for you, you need to do a little of it in order to be in good shape to help out everyone else.