‘Nick, are you aware your phone is not on mute.’

Whoops!

PAAAAAARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP…

the bog flushing?

Yeah, I had a “er, well, they’re in the next room and the office door is open” once.

*fwap, fwap, fwap*

Go on…?

So Mark what do you think about the implications of that?

“Oh Christ don’t ask Mark we’ll be all **** night.”

“Who the f*** are these *****-****s!?”

That livened up the conversation a bit.

Best ever:
There’s a group of us, all mature respectable people, at some conference or other. Afternoon, so we might not have been 100% sober.

One guy takes a business call on his moby.

A woman leans over and whispers loudly into the phone: “Oh, honey, put down the phone & come back to bed.”

Giggles all round.

Me yesterday to our client, “you know those 400 prototypes that we are sending on friday?” them ” yes we are really looking forward to getting them into test and to our customers!” Me “only 12 work”. Them “Oh thats very disappointing, what is the problem?” Me “I dont know” Them “Oh”. Not my finest hour although i do know what the problem is know and can fix it (not for friday though).

The wife walked in to ask me a question and realised I was on a call so started to leave. I said ‘its alright, they are just doing the intros and general willy waving’

Not as bad as it might have been but they were a couple of global directors of an international investment bank on the line at the time. They were American and I don’t think they picked up on the term Willy waving but the clients uk programme director did.

He just txt me to say he thought it was funny which is lucky.

Some one I work with pinged a message through the instant messaging system to a project manager slagging off someone who wasn’t answering emails. PM was presenting at the time so laptop was hooked up to the TV, everyone watched the IM pop up including the person who got slagged off!

Always fun to un-mute the conf call when someone doesn’t realise!!

Not quite as bad but part of my job is to check people in at the military air terminal at Brize Norton.

one day i had to use the PA system to get a passenger to the desk. our PA gives that annoying bong Bong BONG! when you press the button.

so i press – bong bong bong, speak and no sound out of the pa!! i press again not knowing that while it is Bonging you can speak over it and about 400 passengers haerd me say under my breath F***ing stupid C***ing thing!

I may have been told off 🙁

I had a customer who while on a conference call decided to an impression of their stuttering American MD.

Now he was in a room with his team and the call was a national conference call to all sites.

After one particular stutter this guy say ” Oh for ***ks sake”. What he hadn’t noticed was peoples faces of horror as they realised the phone wasn’t on mute. Apparently the impression sounded like an echo according to this guys boss and the cursing wasn’t mentioned. He actually got away with it.

He was however absolutely a cat on hot bricks for 48 hours.

We had a few visitors in our office from other branches a little while ago. They were on a conference call with some of our guys, and a few remote sites.

One of our younger female employees walked through the open plan office, and a voice was heard on the conference call, “jesus christ, look at the bazongas on that!”

Unfortunately, the owner of said bazongas was wearing a wireless headset and taking part in the conference call.

We suddenly had “This is the *****est conference call ever. What a bunch of ****s. Still at least that Diane isn’t in the call, she’s the biggest **** of them all”. Obviously she was, you can’t accidentally broadcast a comment like that and have the person not be in the call, it’s the law.

Thing is though, everyone knew he was right.

Whilst on a Conference Call a couple of weeks ago, I heard the tune to Angry Birds coming down the line..

Interesting.

Not conference call, but close. I have a radio handset, and have a bad habit of catching the push to talk button on the seatbelt clip of my car. At least once a week I blast loud music, me singing, sirens and swearing at everybody on our talk group.

You can turn the video camera off now Mr…… 😯

” Who can smell my fishy fingers?”

said in a captain birds eye voice!

On a conference call on a Saturday morning, most people dialled in from home. It was dull, no one really wanted to be on it. We all kind of recognised that fact when one guy’s four year old son walked into the room and shouted at the top of his voice

“DADDY I’VE JUST DONE A HUGE POO!!”

We all gave up at that. Point and agreed we’d be best to reconvene on the Monday morning,

So that’s who it is mehaja

Not quite the same thing but

I worked at a school once and a phone a call was put through to the staff room. Somone answered and asked the parent who they wanted to talk to. “The f$%&ing T&^t” they replied. The memember of staff just went and got the correct deputy head.

I was in a supermarket a while back and someone was using to make a series of announcements over the tannoy. I don’t know if its because they were speaking into a telephone receiver to make them but they finished each announcement as if they were finishing a phone call, so each message to bring extra staff to the tills or about a clean up in isle 7 would end with “…… ok, thanks. Bye”

Generally the point where they ask my opinion, because usually the call is really dull and I’m getting on with some proper work in the background and not really paying any attention to what’s being said

We’d just merged (with a far bigger business) and my team was taking over resposibilities for all Online services. We were having a con-call just to clear the air and after saying goodbyes my ‘artistic’ lady uttered “well, <insert name> was a total waste of space, no wonder their service is 5h1t”. Referring to the current Manager there.

And after 5 seconds there was a click, as they logged off…

As a teenager I worked at a supermarket, after hours in the evening we would wedge the button on the tannoy and set up a radio/cd player so we could listen to the radio throughout the store.

Shortly afterwards during a very busy Saturday, customer service started to use the tannoy, only to be cut off by an high pitched whistling noise that resulted in all the customers and staff covering their ears. After a couple of minutes of ear piercing noise the customers started to attempt to resume their shopping whilst shouting at their partners, before someone managed to find the key to the room with the tannoy system and pull the plug.

We weren’t allowed to wedge the button down after than incident, well not when certain managers were in, anyway 🙂

Had a conference call a while back where I was sneaking off early to drive up to Scotland for a weekend’s MTB action with my bro. Our American chums were late on the call so, during the idle chit chat, my bro was subjected to a female colleague (who was a good, if excessively open, friend) regaling me with the details of the infection she had gotten from incorrect fitting of her ‘contraceptive device’.

Just as he was about to barf in the car, it became apparent that one of the Yanks had been on the phone all along.

The next time we met I had to explain the words ‘minge’ and ‘gusset custard’ to my terribly christian American friend.

Last conference call I had was one where I dialled in from home on a day off having just moved house. Agreed to it as I would only be required for 10 minutes. After an hour of listening to a detail focussed european college I gave up and handed the phone to my 4 year old so he could tell them all how exciting the park was and he’d been for a poo on his own so now can we go and play on the swings.

Message received :o)

I once had a bit of road rage, effing and jeffing at a pr**k on the M62 before remembering I was in a call on hands free.

We had a monthly meeting back in 2000 that was video conferenced our end was awful bad sound camera etc. We had to be quiet to listen. The view of our camera was of a very tight view of the table. One guy thought it hilarious to lean back and make hand gestures out of shot. One month I happened to be in head office for the meeting and was treated to the sight of the whole meeting room in perfect quality and sound. They mad me promise not to tell the idiot….

I have a video of a mate on a conference call, all very serious discusion with a VERY well known financial services company.

When the call ends he thanks everyone for there contribution and gets up from the table and spider phone. He is naked except for a random selection of tattoos.

Absolutlely hilarious at the time, but we probably should have seen his breakdown coming.