She has said that she’s moving out and taking the kids with her. This would not be a bad thing if she was planning on staying in the same city, but apparently she is planning on moving around 50 miles away at a place that is pretty difficult for someone without a car to access.

This would also mean that the kids would have to move school have way through the year. I am not happy about the limits this would spend on the time I spend with my children and the effect it would have on their education.

What do the good people of STW suggest?

The marriage is over, and the threat of moving the kids away is something that can never be returned from, so sorting that out is not going to be an option that I would entertain. Marriage guidance has been attempted but it’s going to get messy regardless.

You need to work it out between you and without going down the legal route. Talk to each other and try to reach some sort of compromise. Behave as adults as messy isn’t good.

I have tried communicating until I’m blue in the face.

Does she want to have the children 24/7? If she doesn’t then she’ll need to talk with you.

Edit: it’s a horrible experience for all concerned especially the children. Tough for all but perhaps she’s needing more time?

She does indeed want to have them 24/7. But I don’t know this for sure as she wont **** talk to me. She would be moving to the same village as her mother.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s very, very little that can be done legally to prevent her moving anywhere within the same jurisdiction (got the T-shirt)

Best you can hope is to come to a deal not involving csa/cmec that takes into account your expenses on seeing them, In theory you could agree a mutual handover point for now where she has to do some of the travel and if it went to court in the future they may stick with that.

Best of luck, remember that your job is to leave the door open so that if they ever need you, you’re there for them. Kids make their own mind up in the long run, you need to stay whiter than white and be Mr reasonable, don’t give her ammunition, as it will invariably be used against you.

The only alternative is the down and dirty, be Mr reasonable, take a week off work to look after the kids so that she can go away to her mums and have a think about it on her own. Then change the locks and go to court applying for residence stating that she’s moved out and left the kids with you. That means that until carcass report is done you’re primary carer, and she can’t act unilaterally to change status quo!

Shit. I thought your “other” thoughts about moving might have knocked this on the head.

FWIW, I wouldn’t worry too much about the kids formal education. If they can smoothly transition to another school then, at their age, I wouldn’t expect any long term effect. I’d have thought that the breakdown in family life would impact them much more (though I guess familiar surroundings and friends might be a comfort to them in that scenario).

Certainly seems like you’d have your work cut out maintaining access as it would all have to be weekends (so as not to take them out of school). I’d have thought that might gain you some bargaining with the lawyers and might then impact your wifes plans to move.

Either way, gutted to hear it – though not totally unexpected.

Exactly what ninfan said, I’ve got that T shirt as well. My 2 are now closer to me than they are to their mother.

There is another issue that I have major concerns over with their education. The boys are in a Gaelic medium school, so they do not do as much writing or reading in English as those who are in a English language school. The boys love it at that school.

She does indeed want to have them 24/7

Seems to be belied by this:

She would be moving to the same village as her mother.

The logical question to ask is how her proposed actions will benefit the children, as they need access to both parents to be rounded members of society.

Her step mother would also be 3 miles or so away. I hope to hell that it was not an empty threat, as using the kids as a bargaining tool is something which for me there can be no return from.

Can’t help as I’ve no experience in anything like this.

But good luck, hope you find a way through this.

For whatever reason their is a relationship breakdown , and one partner usually with law and no thought for the other parties decides to move home to mummy, as sghe wioll provide a shoulder to cry on and a baby sitting service.

Probably next year will be experiencing the same thing with a freind who is currently realising he has made a huge mistake geting married.

**** that’s a shite situation WML. I think you only have two initial options which are let it happen or the Ninfan option b.

In case the potentially soon former Mrs WML knows you frequent here I would be tempted to ask the Mods for this thread to be deleted so it can’t be used against you.

There are going to be some tough times ahead for you so take care and try to
Keep your chin up.

Ninfan option B is not an option. I love my kids too much to do that to them. I will not use them as a bargaining tool – that’s not a civilised thing to do to them.

sorry to hear that mate. I have no advice to give I’m afraid, just try to keep it rational and keep trying I guess

IME better that you both agree then end up in legal and the clutches of the CSA. Also, moving to be near her family is probably better for the kids than if she just moved elsewhere.

There is another issue that I have major concerns over with their education. The boys are in a Gaelic medium school, so they do not do as much writing or reading in English as those who are in a English language school. The boys love it at that school.

And irrelevant of anything else, but probably best they move to another school as I’m not sure you’ve noticed but English is our first language…

Fair enough – wasn’t about them being a bargaining chip, more about them staying with you and living with you as the parent with primary custody.

b r – you clearly dont know of the benefits of gaelic medium education. That’s fair enough. My kids are multilingual purely because they’ve gone to that school.

And irrelevant of anything else, but probably best they move to another school as I’m not sure you’ve noticed but English is our first language…

Ignorant post of the day.

Best of luck WML, all the best.

BigJim +1

Best of luck WML, shitty news.

wanmankylung, disagreements on other threads aside, I don’t envy your situation. I have not experienced this as an adult, but have as a child. My parents split up when I was 10 and my brother 8. Memories of children in this position can be ingrained and long lasting, however if you try your best to be as involved as you can, I am sure that will be remembered. Good luck.

WML, I am in almost the exact same boat as you, except she is wanting to emigrate to the USA.
Are you in Scotland? If you are then get yourself to a solicitor ASAP. You have right of parental responsibility, you have a say in what is best for your children and stability in schooling is one issue that is taken into consideration. The strongest thing I would advise is to get advice BEFORE she moves, otherwise once she has moved you will be fighting a massive uphill battle.
Mine played all amicable and made out things wouldn’t change much while planning on marrying the POS she had an affair with and then emigrating to his home country.

The strongest advice I can give is GET LEGAL ADVICE. And get it Monday morning.

On a slight aside; if you are in England you have no rights at all – sorry if that’s the case.

Oh and as many have said, be the absolute best dad you can no matter what happens.

That’s a given.

Mate, that’s a crappy situation.. I separated from my kids’ mum last Xmas, and even though the split was amicable and my right to have a say in the kids future was never in question, there were still some very tense moments, with periods where there were stand offs and stubborn refusals to co-operate from both sides.. We did work it all out eventually though, and by keeping the children’s welfare as the focus , and refusing to let family or friends influence us (families can suddenly turn very cynical we found) we were able to find a way through.. We’re all much happier now living apart..

Your situation sounds much more complicated though, and reminds me of my ex brother in law.. Like you he lost any bargaining power, but unfortunately he was then too proud and stubborn to jump through all the hoops when it came to the lengthy and frustrating legal process of clawing back his rights as a father..

Stay cool and calm and dignified and do whatever is required of you to get access to your kids, no matter how unjustly you feel you are being treated, no matter how many compromises you have to make.. Be the bigger man, put any indignation to one side and be ready to adapt

I have no experience in a situation like this but it sounds like you are handling it in the right way.

Best of luck WML.

We’ve had a full and frank discussion this morning during which she has begun to realise that I’m just out to protect the best interests of the kids. This involves keeping them in the same school, not allowing her mother to provide childcare for them (her mother hates me and will feed a contant drip of negative comments to them, just like she did when she split up from her own husband), it involves a 50:50 split of access to the kids alongside a load of other practical things like who keeps what.

That’s good, well done.

Now get it on paper and signed before anyone else gets their claws in

Good on you. Keep your chin up, keep talking and putting your kids first that’s the best you can hope for.

her mother hates me and will feed a contant drip of negative comments to them, just like she did when she split up from her own husband)

Best advice I was ever given about women is to look at the mother as that is what she will turn into.

Sorry for your situation, hope it works out soon.

Having spent the last year going through similar situation. My 2p’s worth;

– be reasonable at all times, even if no-one else is. You’ll feel better in the long run and ultimulately your children will love and respect you more for it in the long-term future.

– although you may split up with your wife, You will always be the father of your children

– try to talk through things if you can and reach solutions with your wife …life is a lot easier if you can both sensibly agree a separation between you,,, but be prepared that your wife (and friends/relatives) may not want to enter into discussion and may be completely irrational. With this in mind be prepared that you may not be able to make her see sense or have a rational dialogue with you.

– look after yourself, keep fit, eat properly and try to think positively. Try and find a friend who you can have a series of discussions with to try and sort out in your mind what’s happening and what you want.

– don’t rely on drink (or drugs) to try and makes things better….it won’t

Good luck, hope this helps

Good work WML.

We’ll see how long it takes her to become a **** again.

You might want to get that last one removed by the mods WML. In the spirit of appearing reasonable at all times.

Nah, I’ll just leave it there.

As expected she’s reverted back to being a ****. How best to tell the kids?

Stay calm and be the voice of reason. Try and work out if there was anything that set off the change in behaviour.

You will get through this, you must believe that.

How are you doing WML…?