A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said,

“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.

“£150!” she cried, “£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged,

“I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150.”

Very misleading thread title. (-:

*mildsniggerisation

I is amused

(better than Woppit’s one anyway 🙂 )

Made me smile 😆

I likes

What goes, “ooo, ooo!”?

A cow with no lips.

What goes “Mark!… Mark!… Mark!…”?

A dog with a hair lip.

There are ten cows in a field… which one’s on holiday?

The wan wi’ the wee calf. 😆

Which one’s an Arab?…….. Coo eight 😆

Why does Edward Woodward have so many ‘d’s in his name?

He doesn’t like being called E’war Woo’War – better said out loud.

Why do mice have small balls?

Because not many can dance.

Sean Connery has been hit by a stack of falling books.

He was heard to say, “I can only blame myself”

My partner and I broke up this morning.

When she said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I
really thought she was joking. Then I saw her face…

Sad news. The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Cougar wins with the predictive text one!

What goes, “ooo, ooo!”?

A cow with no lips.

Sad news. The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

Equally winning the interwebs today

When i first met my wife i knew she was a keeper……

It was the great big gloves that gave it away.

I think someone’s infringing copyright here aren’t they?

I don’t get it.

Molegrips, Que?

I suspect a smattering of Vinerisms.

Yeah, there’s a couple that sound like Tim Vine, but they aren’t.

The “keeper” joke is from someone at the Edinburgh Fringe and my predictive text was an original joke from someone else on Twitter (the names of both escape me without Googling).

Oh – the kleptomania one might be, actually. I don’t actually know where that came from offhand.

Mollie takes thing very seriously,don’t ya know 😉

I think someone’s infringing copyright here aren’t they?

Were we only including jokes we’d written ourselves?
My mistake 🙄

I actually thought it was an old Tommy Cooper joke but google informs me that all credit is due to this guy…..

Alun Cochrane – I’m really sorry mate – I shared your joke on t’Internet 😳

Yeah, that’s him.

This is him now, looking a bit sad and pissed off ‘coz I’ve ripped off his act.

Look Alun, just get over it mate. I’ve already said how sorry I am . I’m ashamed of myself really. Just stick that kettle on and have a cuppa. You’ll feel better about it in a wee while. Honest.

Molgrip’s writing a corker. We’re gonna luv it.

I remember bring amazed when they invented the first universal remote control

I thought – this changes everything

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I got offered to help a robbery job at a distillery with a Chinese man.
I asked him “is it whiskey?”
He said “course it’s whiskey but not as whiskey as robbing a bank”

🙂

Surely ‘as whiskey as wobbing a bank’?

Sean Connery one – genius.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it
– Ken Dodd I think

Why did the chicken hold a seance?

To get through to the other side….

+1 on the Sean Connery joke. 😀

You can burn up to 150 calories during a prolonged bout of masturbation.

Still got kicked out of Weight Watchers for it though.

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes but only partially.

Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside. “Hey! Let’s see your tits, you stuck up penguins! shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Screw off you little shits, before I come over there and rip your balls off!”