If you knew something awful was about to happen involving the death of a parent would you tell a 11 year old or not?

Yes, they are surprisingly resilient to straight news.

Then love them with all your heart once they know and they will get through it

I dunno yknow I think I would explain what was happening at the time rather than before
Depends on the kid I guess I just know that my 11 year old would stress herself massively if she knew before

Depends entirely on specifics and the child’s character, but potentially, yes.

I’m not sure how it can be avoided unfortunately. If it came out in the future that there was some forewarning, they may resent that they were kept in the dark

Yes, i had the fortune/misfortune of telling my two kids 4 and 1 at the time how much I loved them before I ended up in a coma and 5 weeks in ICCU, whilst it wasn’t likely I would die there was a chance that I could, and I wanted to make sure I had some time with them before I became unable to communicate. It was the single most awful thing I’ve done, but given the same choice, I’d do it again. If I knew I was dieing, I’d want to do it on my terms.

I had to tell my kids (12 and 16) their grandmother (my mother) had died in March – they were sad, but they got over it. They’re tougher than you think.

Find a quiet moment at home, tell it to them straight, and answer any questions honestly.

I’d want to

Totally agree with mogrim, never lie of withhold the truth, it will bite you and them later. Be honest and simple, no matter how hard it is. Kids are resilient and will appreciate being told straight. My mum died when I was 14 – my dad was honest and straight with us and told was happening all the way through. I will always appreciate his honesty – as kids we knew where we stood and what was happening however hard it was

Yes.
Presumably they’ll find out when the death happens anyway.

Kids are surprisingly resilient – it’s the fear that gets them.

If you decide to, try not to fudge it. When I was 13 my Mum told me my Dad “might not get better”. I accept I may be slow on the uptake but when he died a couple of weeks later, what she said hadnt registered as what she was trying to tell me.

Yes, definitely. Lots of resources on the Macmillan website (even if it’s not cancer the principles are the same).

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/talking-to-children

They’re great if you ring them too. Good luck.

At 11, definitely.
You might want some professional help for delivery and dealing with it, but yes.
It won’t be easy but in the long run the child will thank you.

Yes, they are surprisingly resilient to straight news.
Then love them with all your heart once they know and they will get through it

For what it’s worth my wife was a little older (14) when she lost her mum. Her dad is a very domineering character and hid the seriousness of her mum’s illness from everyone, including her mum (this was 30 yrs ago). The split it caused in the family is still apparent today.

Thanks for the comments it’s not me but a friend.

it depends on the child how you frame it, but yes, they should know the truth as far as it’s possible. death…yes; pain/suffering…be careful

yes as they would want to say and do things they wont ever get the chance to do

The pain will be shit but they deserve the chance to say what they want to a parent and will resent whomever withheld this from them IMHO

Tough call though tough call
Best of luck OP

Yes, as a 16/17 yr old my grandfather was dying a slow painful death from lung cancer (not helped by monumental NHS incompetence) and my parents kept this from me, I would have spent more time with him had I known. I still feel bitter about this now at 47.

Yes Jools, absolutely – it would help prepare them if it were inevitable.

Yes.

I think so yes. Otherwise they will be left knowing something is seriously wrong but being unsure what to make of it.

Yep, they need to be told.

I had to tell my kids that my brother was dying, and had to deliver the news the night he went.(Cancer)
My Daughter (7 at the time) saw him the day before he died.
On the way home from the hospital she said she felt lucky as she knew her younger sister wasn’t going to see him again.
Amazing insight and acceptance.

Yes. it’s not just how they cope , but how they grow up with it, and reflect on it. Let them know. Help them.

It’s hard to say not knowing the particular child in question. Generally, I would say honesty is the best policy – children can feel very betrayed by having important truths hidden from them.

I would definitely tell them. My dad died last year, and I can’t imagine not having shared it the kids in advance.

Yes tell it to them straight. I had to tell my 6 year old & 9 year old kids their mum had died. Hardest thing I’ve ever done but what else are you going to tell them? The truth is paramount. People talk about kids being remarkably resilient, not sure how true that is. They hurt like we grown ups do but they need to know the truth. Life is shit but it’s also beautiful.
Sorry, had a few.

Yes, if you tackle the subject as soon as possible you have a chance to frame it in a sensitive and clear way, deal with any questions and let them know that they can talk about it again if they need to.

Yes. Do it in the right way, as said before McMillan, Cruse, various others are there to help and guide about what the right way is for you and your friends.

We had the issue with a family friend who died of cancer 3 years ago, telling our kids that she had cancer, then after treatments didn’t work that she wouldn’t recover, and then finally that she had died. They knew, and shared all the way, and we had some memorable days out with them that will live for ever in our and their memories. Don’t let your friend go before your kids have the chance to enjoy time with them.

People talk about kids being remarkably resilient, not sure how true that is. They hurt like we grown ups do but they need to know the truth. Life is shit but it’s also beautiful.

On this, the people at Macmillan explained it – as adults we hide our feelings, and spend the grieving process paddling knee deep in it, still functioning but wet from the thighs down. Kids don’t, they can be over their heads one moment and then happily playing on the sand the next. Their process is different, and if they seem like they’re over it, it’s just the calm before the next grieve. Be aware of that too.

Not sure how I would handle it but here’s how NOT to handle it:

We moved to South Africa back in the 70’s and my sister and I were heartbroken to leave granny and grandpa (mums parents) behind. We’d always been very close. 6 week summer hols with them etc etc.

8 months after we arrived in SA (I was 12 at the time) one Saturday morning a telegram arrived. Dad opened it and read it and then looked up and said “oh dear, Grandpa has died”.

Not blaming dad, I think he was shocked himself, but a bit of gentleness would have been helpful. 😮

Explain in words that children understand. “Stroke”, for example, is clear to most adults but not to a child who might then avoid physical contact because “grandad died from a stroke”

On the first day of my job I had to tell four brothers that their father had been killed in a road accident.

I had very little time to prepare for it, I was informed at the end of the day, and they were about to go home.

I gathered staff that knew the boys well, and told them with those staff members there that new them to support them, as at that point, only having met the boys for 8 hours I couldn’t offer them the support they needed.

A few of the people involved felt we should tell the older one first, he could tell the younger ones, but that just didn’t sit right with me. Ultimately telling the boys straight was the fairest and best thing to do for them.

Tell them straight.

Tough times OP for the family concerend.

To echo above yes definitely, whilst its tough and heartbreaking the children need to know. What would be worse is is for the death to come as a surprise and them to realise they had not been told when others knew.

Best wishes to those concerned