Senile dementia,one minute I had a Mum and Dad, the next they where Dumb and Mad

Two crisps at a rave. Peanut walks up and offers them some 'e's

'no thanks we're ready salted' they reply

what do you call a hooker with no arms or legs?
cash n carry

what did christopher columbus say to his men before they got on the boat
get on the boat

Man rings the incontinence help line

>quick ya got to help me i am pissing my self!

Calm down sir, where are you ringing from?

>The waist down!!

What a waste of money !

I've just spent £20 on,

'Tiger – My favorite 18 holes'

& it turned out to be a GOLF dvd !

I LIKE THIS THREAD….

Just had a water fight down the park with the local kids.

I WON!

No ones a match for me and my kettle.

Bollocks. Pushed the button twice.

Paddy shows his blonde niece the L and R labels in his wellies, explaining they mean Left and Right.

'Oh!' she says. 'Now I know why the label in my thong says C & A !'

Jeremy Irons

Don't you just hate people who knock on your door collecting for charity.

I had one last night collecting for the local sperm bank.

I gave her a right mouthful !

i sh*gged a girl with brittle bone disease last night…….

……what a little cracker she was.

I used to date a girl with eczema……………..

cracking tits.

I was christmas shopping today, I went into HMV and asked if they had anything by the Doors. They said 'yes, a fire extinguisher and some cardboard'

My brother was really scared after swallowing some lego.
He was shitting bricks for a few days.

ON THE FACTORY NOTICE BOARD:

Stationary office moved

I've started cycling to work everyday in a bid to get fit, but people say it makes me look gay.

So, to macho up my image a little bit, I've drawn some racing stripes on my basket.

How do you eat cheese in Wales?

Caerphilly

How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
No-one knows. It's never been done.

Q. What's the difference between Madelaine McCann and a red Ferrari?

A. I don't have a red Ferrari in my garage.

The French army have a new kind of tank, it has 14 gears! 13 of them reverse.

(they fitted a forward gear just in case the enemy attack from behind)

What did the Leprechaun get when he walked between a womans legs???

A clit around the ear and a flap across the face 😀

Tampax have sponsored Tiger Woods next year as they say it great being associated with a c@@t going through a bad period

Husband & wife shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a case of Stella & places it in the trolley.
' What do you think you're doing? ' asks the wife
' They're on offer, £10 for 24 cans ' he says.
' Put them back, we can't afford them ' says wife & they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of facecream & puts it in the trolley.
' What do you think you're doing? ' asks the husband.
' It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful ' she says.
Husband replies ' So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the frigging price '

A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says

"We've got a drink named after you",

the horse replies

"Really?, In that case I'll have a double George"

How many animals can you fit into a pair of ladies jeans?

2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares, the occassional cock, and a fish no one can find!

Has the Shi' Tzu joke been done yet? And the brown and sticky joke?

"keep the tip"

…as the leper said to the prostitute…

Peguin walks into a bar and asks
"Have you seen my brother?"

Barman replies
"What does he look like?"

Paddy & Mick went to donate sperm in London.

The day was a disaster.

Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus !

how do you make an apple puff? CHASE IT ROUND THE GARDEN.oh me sides!!! 😛

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

what's short fat and wheezes…
an asmatic pigeon.
…….
….
…
..
.
and that st is the extent of my hilarity.

Why did the farmer win a Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

😆

I had an appointment with the fortune teller yesterday.

It was cancelled due to unforseen circumstances.

whats round and bad tempered??

a vicious circle

What's black & lives up a tree?

A crow with a machine gun

What's yellow & dangerous?

Shark infested custard

Why are Muslim inflatable women better than Christian and Jewish ones? They blow themselves up.