There is a poster in the coffee room, that reads the following:

Dear Wife / Sweetheart / Girlfriend / Partner / Whomever it may concern

1. Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the South African World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor….It won’t happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, it’s only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time “. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again, Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a ) I will not go,
b ) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?” because, the reply will be, “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, KPL, FA Cup, Euro Cup, etc.

P/S

By the way if you get stuck on the road call the Police or AA.

Thank you for your co-operation.

I would love to say I "lolled", but i didnt, so i wont.

Would the panel be interested in formulating a responding letter?
my initial thoughts are:

Dear football fans

I regret to inform you, that it will be necessary for you to forgo the viewing of the later matches of the aforementioned "sporting" event, as between the dates of the 3rd and 25th of July, the Tour de France is taking place, and space taken up by a collection of effeminate "men" kicking a bag of wind around a box will need to be filled by a real sport. Thanks for your anticipated co-operation,

please address any comments of complaints to whoever it is who listens to why you would make a better manager than the existing manager of the England team (whoever that is)

What is an iffeminate man then?

Olly; get your skinny little carcass down here, and have a game of footie with us 'effeminate men'. If you can still walk afterwards, I'll assume you might just have a pair…

Tough Macho Cyclists.

An effeminate footballer:

Cycle road racing is boring apart from the last 2 minutes.

real sport

Cycling junkies?

I always find it funny that such supposedly hard men (typically the supporters) are so sensitive to criticism. Guess they're feeling a little insecure… 😉

Dear football fans,
You, your game, and your pet goldfish are all bent

I thought modern wendyballers were all ham thespians – looking at some of the dives during the last Barca game

Guess they're feeling a little insecure…

Nah, just sick of feckless little fops slagging off a game they don't understand, can't play and were never picked for the team at school…

Ooooh help, I'm falling…

Football schmutball, how about some proper hard bast**ds, here's two…

TBH, and much as I prefer to fall asleep in front of the Tour to doing so with the football on, the extensive usage of lycra in the former will leave you wide open to a war you cannot win.

Pfft; they've got body armour on! 😀

haha I love the criticism of 'fairy' footballers on this site.

All from xc mincers who pad up at trail centres and then still walk the chicken runs!

Ooooh help, I'm falling…

Now what i don't get is why people can just not like something. As opposed to feeling the need to rip on it.

Edit: Hmmm…that really is an appalling sentence. Can't be asked to sort it out though and i'm sure people get the gist.

Oi; why are my posts being edited?

Come on; be fair. That's out of order.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN1WN0YMWZU

Ice hockey's not a game, it's an excuse for a pub brawl.

Rugby on the other hand.. anyone who's played it knows it's just about the hardest thing there is. Apart from XC MTB racing.

I like the TdF but I am almost pissing myself with excitement about the World Cup.

I think it's to protect you from yourself…. 😆

Did you see that? Bang out of order.

Ah come on; s'only a bit of banter! This thread would be boring without a bit of mud-slinging! 😀

I like to think of the Mod sitting in a darkened room and laughing maniacally while smashing a massive button that says delete on it with their forehead.

…..also possibly while drinking their own urine 😉

Now what i don't get is why people can just not like something. As opposed to feeling the need to rip on it.

I actually quite like it, but felt the need to balance things…

All from xc mincers who pad up at trail centres and then still walk the chicken runs!

Speak for yourself boy, some of us don't fit in any pads at all and still hurl ourselves down things well enough to hurt when we fall off 😉

I'm more pissed at the intimation that what happens in our house can't, which is that I want to watch the sodding football but can't cos he doesn't want to.

I quite like football and cycling…I am the Nick Clegg of this thread.

Jamie; maybe they didn't get picked either.. 😉

I think football's a fantastic game. I love playing and watching it. This summer, there will no doubt be a string of BBQs, for various games. I've made friends because of WC footy matches, and even met one or two young ladies… 😉

When Italy won in 2006, I was in central London, in Soho. The place was full of Italians, celebrating. It was brilliant. And some French fans were wandering about utterly dejected. How could you top that? 😀

I love footie, me…

I'm curious as to what's made Fred more upset – slagging off a bunch of overpaid posers mincing round a field for 90 minutes or his posts being modded…

loulouk – See you at a Pearce uplift weekend then!

I'm more pissed at the intimation that what happens in our house can't, which is that I want to watch the sodding football but can't cos he doesn't want to.

WHAAAAATTT????

Unacceptable. Get a Court Injunction immediately.

I'm curious as to what's made Fred more upset – slagging off a bunch of overpaid posers mincing round a field for 90 minutes or his posts being modded…

See? Look at that deliberate wind-up. Why shouldn't I be allowed to respond accordingly?

Level playing field please…. 😈

(Has to have Valium to calm down)

loulouk – See you at a Pearce uplift weekend then!

Can I learn to jump instead of rolling them first? :O)In all seriousness, I'm only just starting to eye up reds, but I ride as fast as I can on blues, if I came off it would hurt. But I wont get better unless I do that, so there you are. So, short answer, give me a year and you bet. I might fit into shin pads by then, they're the only pads I really want.

High 5s Fred Talkemada.

Some of my fondest memories are of football – playing alongside the son of one of my childhood footballing heroes, Paul Reaney, and providing him with the killer pass that undid their defence and have him congratulate me on it, being at the match when Leeds were crowned Division 1 Champions (the season before it became the Premiership), watching the England v Brazil match in 2002 and believing, for a minute, we could do them, almost crying when Argentina knocked us out in '98, watching the Portugal match in 2006 on the afternoon of my stag weekend.

I am now hoping we get it in 2018 so I can take my girls to see us play as a nation in the World Cup.
😀

I saw Chris Hughton in IKEA Edmonton once. He was buying a lamp I think. He looked absorbed in his shopping.

Am I on a Yellow Card? 😕

EDIT: It seems I am. For a bit of banter. Whist others receive no censure in spite of some proper nastiness.

Infamy, infamy… 🙁

Paul Reaney; my Dirty Leeds fan mates likened me to a blend of Bites Yer Legs, Bremner and Sniffer Clarke! 😀

Paul Reaney; my Dirty Leeds fan mates likened me to a blend of Bites Yer Legs, Bremner and Sniffer Clarke!

You could be likened to a worse set of players. I must admit to be very much of the Yorkshire Terrier camp myself – given my size I have to impose my authority early on because otherwise, as a left back, the opposition think I will be a walk over. 😈

Loulouk – you might want a full bouncer bike first too 🙂

Martin Keown trained at the same gym as me…. a proper ugly fecker but there's no way in the world I'd have told him that (Arsenal SCUM!). Reckon I could go toe to toe with most of the peloton and still come out smiling though! Have you seen road racers when they have little tiffs, unfair to even call them little girls!

I think it was the Bites Yer Legs because I'm a dirty little bastard, Bremner because I'm quick to have a ruck, and Sniffer because I have the uncanny ability to 'sniff' out goals! 😀

Currently playing with some lads who are a good bit younger than me. They respect the experience, I'm sure…

Yeah – I assumed that was the case. My grandad used to upset me as a little kid referring to Alan Clarke as 'Sniffer' – I thought he was saying it to be nasty about him 🙂

I think most pro roadies endure more physical pain than any footballer.

I like both and play both, but know that cycling is harder.