Found out a couple of days ago that my ex-wife took my eldest son for an autism assessment a few weeks back.

I’m mainly interested in what the assessment process involves as he apparently has to go back for further sessions.

Also – anyone know how to deal with a former wife that pulls that kind of crap?

It’s crap she didn’t tell you but she wouldn’t go without reason. Be supportive.

I’ll be supportive of my son, but she can get **** if I’m going to support her. We unfortunately live in the same house FFS.

Anyway — know anything about the assessment process?

In our experience it can – far from stigmatise as you may imagine – assist teachers and others come to terms with the child in varied, less programmed ways. If you’re in Edinburgh, good luck getting anyone to listen to or accept the assessment anyway, in the experience of friends of ours. For us, it’s been nothing but beneficial.

YMMV.

From a schooling perspctive it should be that the boy gets the support he needs – school will be obliged to meet his needs. This guy http://www.jimtaylorknowsautism.com visited our school and shadowed some children with autistic spectrum disorders. He was able to give us strategies that have allowed the children to flourish. I’m sure that the school will have a additional support dept/person so might be worth speaking to them.

As for the ex. Can’t help there, but might be worth requesting the details of the assessment so your situation can be explained to the assessors. And they can get you copies of session notes etc.

Hth

Also – anyone know how to deal with a former wife that pulls that kind of crap?

Taking someone for a diagnosis which could help them immeasurably throughout life is “that kind of crap”? You do realise that a positive diagnosis won’t give him autism, yes?

I’m assuming he’s her son, of course. If not, that’s pretty outrageous.

[professional hat] I don’t do the neurodevelopmental/autism assessments in my team, but my basic understanding is that it involves some/all of this:
-meet kid. Interact with/play with kid. Take history from parent or child as well depending on age and communcation.
-discuss at length with SENDCO at school, and Ed. Psych if involved.
-looooong developmental history interview. Lots of questions about develomental milestones, speech, gestures, attachments & bonding with parents, sensory/tactile stuff, food, toiletimg, playing, interacting with other kids and adults.
-if kid is still quite small, some services do school observations where someone spends a few hours watching the whole class and playground.
-maybe proper psychological testing (google GARS and WISC. Wisc was actually quite fun when one of the psychology trainees had a practice run with me some years ago).
-iirc you can be diagnosed by a clinical psychologist if senior/experienced enough otherwise you might have a child psychiatrist locally who specialises. Some areas might have a child development centre that does all this rather than part of a formal child and adolescent mental health service.
It is a long process and not to be taken lightly. But a diagnosis can be useful and enable changes and support to be made in education, as well as helping parents ‘get’ their kids and to plan and enjoy much more rewarding and less ‘eggshells’ experiences with them. These days i would not see as diagnosis of autistic spectrum disorder as a barrier to higher education or employment and i have known some truly awesome 16 and 17 year olds through work who have gone on to great things.

I am curious as to how your son might be a way through this process without anyone having spoken to you as dad and living with son too. Since you will i assume have parental responsibility (i cannot imagine a situation where a parent still living with the child has had this displaced by social care or family court, but also not certain there might not be some slight differences in family law in scotland that i don’t knw about) you could, (and i would say you should) be involved in this assessment as a valuable source of information (as i said, the developmental history interview with parents is big and very important), and you should be informed of any updates the team may have.

If ex-wife is obstructing this process (i am guessing that appointment letters were opened before you saw them, and the person doing the assessment perhaps has a different story about why you aren’t coming to the appointments), my advice as someone who does get this situation very ocasionally with the assessments/cases i do would be:
Phone up and gently enquire/offer to come in and discuss. Given the apparent rift between you and ex-wife, do not think it will be a good idea to go with them both next time though. Not knowing you, family etc i couldn’t say at this point if i would want to see you on your own or with your son minus mum. Your ex’s actions in this are one thing, and your son should not be a battleground, but the difference between the story of the family and the perspective of one parent on the child versus the other should not be underestimated. For all i know you might actually be a terribly hard person to live with and maybe your wife had understandable reasons for keeping this from you (neutral is my middle name, at work at least!) but that wouldn’t mean i woudn’t be interested in meeting and involving you too.

[unprofessional hat on now] but going all ‘fathers for justice’ on the service doing the assessment will not likely be helpful!

I imagine the first steps will have been a referral from the school SENCO to the local authority SEN department. Prior to this there will have been discussion between the school and parents, possibly raised over a period of time by classroom teachers and support staff, around issues relating to academic performance, socialisation, friendship groups, OT, etc. a variety of different teams might be required for further investigation, including CAMHS, OT, SALT teams, whom will coordinate information to (if ASD is a correct diagnosis) build what used to be a Statement of Education Needs, but is now know as an EHC Plan.

Don’t know about your situation, but if both of you work together it will enhance your childs prospects and chances. I regularly deal with the fall-out of broken families, and it is always life-limiting on the children.

Regards,

Bullheart (Assistant HT, ASD/C & I Secondary School)

EDIT: Very thorough breakdown above.

Taking someone for a diagnosis which could help them immeasurably throughout life is “that kind of crap”? You do realise that a positive diagnosis won’t give him autism, yes?

You do realise its his son and that divorces are difficult processes and he should have been informed about this?

Whilst he has not expressed his annoyance well IMHO that is the reason.

Unfortunately kids get used in divorces/partners [ mothers generally as the law favours them] can try and ostracise fathers from family life…do you think that was reasonable by Mum? Would you be annoyed?

Not all autism assessments are created equal.

Just saying.

Snake oil round here is very good so I hear….

Here are a few words that a friend (a mother of an autistic boy who’s now about 16) shared with me a while back:

Secondary school can be extremely daunting – more so if the world around you feels like a noisy chaotic mess!! I would recommend starting with the small things. Making sure he has everything he needs (uniform/pe kit/school bag/stationary) and he knows his route to school well (walking/cycling/getting a lift/bus). I would recommend allowing him his own independence as soon as possible, so if he was driven to school before-now allow him the bus and/or walking.

I don’t know if he has been statemented but try not to have him labelled “Autistic” in the classroom – more like the quirky one!! Do you have/can you get a map of the interior of the school so he gets an idea of where everything is?? Confusion causes real anxiety. Allso be aware he will probably lose his pe kit 3 or 4 times, stationary, trainers etc etc so put names in things. Tell him to find quiet places early on – Library, LRC (Learning Resource Centre) IT room – places he can go at break/lunch and feel relaxed.

I’m normally not an advocate of technology, but I would recommend a mobile phone, especially one with an MP3 player/app so that if he is feeling stressed he can listen to some music on the way home from school etc etc Also if he forgets anything important he can text Mum (Books/non-school uniform day etc)

Make sure mum has a calender and highlights any non school uniform days, trips etc as He might not remember them, and turning up to school in uniform on a no uniform day is not good (I know!!)

Really its all the little details – in the end just be himself, instill in him not to take anything personally – that kids are scary and horrible and cruel but its not personal) and get him into some sort of activity club.

In the classroom he will take everything literally – he won’t understand sarcasm or non-linear thinking – if he doesn’t understand something this will make him very anxious and upset and frustrated – come up with a system with him about how to deal with what he doesn’t know – both in and outside the classroom – find someone who can explain things to him in a way he will understand (i find being economic with words and clear helps – also creating numonics or limerics or diagrams really help) Most of all he will probably excel at IT and the computer – let him!

The Big Bang Theory may be a bit old for him yet – but the Sheldon character is useful to watch for him and those around him!!

As he grows up he will come into his own – just give him that knowledge and faith.

Julianwilson – thank you very much for the detailed response.

I am curious as to how your son might be a way through this process without anyone having spoken to you as dad and living with son too. Since you will i assume have parental responsibility (i cannot imagine a situation where a parent still living with the child has had this displaced by social care or family court, but also not certain there might not be some slight differences in family law in scotland that i don’t knw about) you could, (and i would say you should) be involved in this assessment as a valuable source of information (as i said, the developmental history interview with parents is big and very important), and you should be informed of any updates the team may have.

The first I knew of it was a letter addressed to both me and his mother from the CAMHs team’s specialist OT. The letter detailed the initial subjective and developmental history provided by mother. A lot of it was what I would class as being wildly inaccurate.

And yes, the mother is using the kids as weapons during the divorce. Lawyers are involved now as I’m not prepared to let that continue.

Cougar – “that kind of crap” was referring to not informing me of her concerns let alone the referral for assessment or indeed telling me that they had been for the first part of that assessment. Her lack of communication with regards the welfare of the kids is disgusting.

You do realise its his son and that divorces are difficult processes and he should have been informed about this?
Whilst he has not expressed his annoyance well IMHO that is the reason.

Yeah, that was insensitive and a bit dickish. I unreservedly apologise.

I took it in the spirit it was meant – a reminder to not be a dick.

Wanmankylung I was in a similar position to you, about 20 years ago. Living in same house getting divorced and daughter with an undiagnosed disability.Fortunately my ex wife was 100% about getting the best for our daughter and we shared the trips to hospitals and assessments. I attended the autism assessment with my daughter,there were few experts in those days and to miss it would have meant a wait of years for another opportunity. The assessment took 8 hours, I was present for some of the time and waited in a nearby room so that my daughter who was then about 5 could be assessed on her own. It was hugely stressful and utterly exhausting for her. We found the diagnosis to be of practical help almost immediately and were also able to apply for grants which we could not apply for before. Many years later my daughters diagnosis was changed/refined to aspergers. I wish you and yours all the best. From what I can remember JulianWilson has described the actual assessment very well.

Hope all goes well for you and your son, If he is on the spectrum it can do no harm having a diagnosis as extra support can be put in place if needed. Nothing will change in some respects he’s still your son and you’ll still love him. My son is on the spectrum and it throws a few interesting things our way, would I change him? not a chance of it he’s fantastic. Good luck 1 shed.