Have been there with work for a month a year for the past few years now.
You pegged it correctly with “consumerist hell-hole in the desert”.
If you want Mountainbiking you can find some in Oman, and Al Ain on the UAE side of the border is one of the only real feeling cities in the UAE.
Abu Dhabi itself has some interesting sites to keep you busy, though admittedly only really interesting because of the ostentatious wealth.
For food however, Abu Dhabi has THE single best restaurant I have ever been to in my life, it was such a surprise.
It’s called the Bonne Annee – Ethiopian reastaurant, dirt-cheap and fantastic, there’s nothing like it anywhere else.
Enjoy.