I’m wanting to type so much but something is holding me back.
And if I’m honest its probably the same thing that has pulled me back from the brink a few times. I was on the tipping point (literally once)

These days things are probably worse if anything as I’m a carer for my wife who now struggles to feed herself/do anything so I just live my life lurching from one medical crisis to another. I think the one thing that keeps me going is a sense of responsibility, once that’s gone I can see how it becomes easy to spiral out of control.

I’m probably not making sense/helping but keep your mates close is best

This may help http://vimeo.com/38101676

David: seek professional help. Don’t delay. Do it tomorrow.

Come back and tell us when you’ve got something organised. Please.

Over the last 10 years I have had a few spells in my life where I was convinced I was better off dead. Not for a day or two, but constantly. For weeks and sometimes months on end.

One of the only things I believe to be fact is that the universe is always changing.
Whatever shit situation I am in, it will change eventually. Things might not suddenly get better, but change is inevitable.

Clinging to this belief has pretty much kept me alive. That and my family.

Get up early tomorrow,pedal to the top of a big hill,take your iPod and watch the sunrise.
Being out when there is no one around and the world is all yours is fantastic.

Being out when there is no one around and the world is all yours is fantastic.

or in the wrong frame of mind

can make you feel so isolated, lonely, insignificant and that your disappearance will leave no trace and have no impact.

seriously

seek help.

My brother and only sibling pulled the plug 20 years ago aged 17 and believe me, the aftermath of destruction and family ripping devastation never goes away. Think, seek help, talk, whatever it takes. Posting on a public forum screams of a cry for help to me and not a serious threat. Consider others and what you would leave behind…Apols if this sounds blunt and unsympathetic but even after 20 years the pain for those left behind still stings daily.

Hello mate ,A couple of years ago i was feeling the way you are now . All i can tell you is it does get better and you should speak to a profesional ( g.p or samaritans etc ) I went to my gp and i was a bit embarrased at first admitting my problems but she was superb and got me on track . 2 years later its all ancient history .Go to somebody please soon ! KEEP YOUR CHIN UP DUDE

Tazzy,fair point ,only ever experienced the good bit.

I often wonder why people choose suicide, surely if your life is no longer worth a damn to you then why not use its premature end to achieve something, pick a cause and become a martyr. A word of advice though don’t go for the religion option, its tired and over done, why not go for the much overlooked political assassination option, someone in power that’s doggedly eroding peoples rights or feathering their own nest at the cost of the less fortunate? or perhaps sink a super yacht full of hedge fund exec’s lording it up on the spoils of the global financial melt down? I dunno, there’s so much more that could be done if death was an inevitability you’d decided was your next parking space.

Just doing yourself in and leaving a horrible mess for others to clean up is a really shit thing to do and there’s no fun it it whatsoever.

*note the above is pure satire, I don’t advocate the murder of anyone no matter how much they may be an utter shit, crook or waste of air & organs.

If it feels like nothing good’ll ever happen again, suicide guarantees you’re right. You can always kill yourself later. This black pragmatism has kept a great mate of mine going for years now, he’s always just a few steps away from another attempt but he’s able to keep it just that far away.

He worked out a method that works for him by himself, you don’t have to, listen to advice and seek help even if you’re not convinced it can help. But at the same time don’t swallow identikit fixes- it is very negative, to hear people say “Do X, it’ll make you feel better”, then you do it and you still feel like shit. What works for them might not work for you and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with this.

Personally? After my surgery I spent a fair amount of time just morbidly working out where the acceptable lines in the sand were- at what point I’d say the prognosis was too poor and I’d choose another way out. I’m very glad it didn’t come to that.

Spend a bit more time trolling forums, that’ll help 😉

When I describe why and what I’m feeling to people, they help me put things in proportion, inside your own head a hellish microcosm can easily be created.

As for pills, I’d be wary of grabbing them, depression isn’t something you pick up on the bus home, it’s brought about by many different things, you really need to dig deep and address what exactly is making you unhappy and want to give up. It can be the smallest things that you put aside in your mind and pretend they don’t bother you but they all mount up.

Tazzy,fair point ,only ever experienced the good bit.

wasn’t having a pop, when the bleak descends there’s not a lot that’ll lift it without help.

He worked out a method that works for him by himself, you don’t have to, listen to advice and seek help even if you’re not convinced it can help. But at the same time don’t swallow identikit fixes- it is very negative, to hear people say “Do X, it’ll make you feel better”, then you do it and you still feel like shit. What works for them might not work for you and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with this.

this is spot on!

when the bleak descends there’s not a lot that’ll lift it without help.

This. This is the bit that’s hard to grasp if you haven’t been there.
Get some help. Please.

if your feeling suicidal I would recommend that you watch this: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x22dcg_rodney-mullen-unbelievable_people

then watch every single video of Rodney Mullen, especially the TED talks, then if you think you feel like ending it all, go and talk to someone, a doctor or alike because there is something wrong in your brain.

Its better to leave a pile of clothes on the shore, smuggle yourself onto a form of transport leaving the country and begin a new life from scratch, if it all goes wrong, so what.

It’s good to talk,help is out there. My brother in law took his own life 1 month ago and the devastation left behind is truly awful.Some say it’s the cowards way out and some say it’s a brave thing to do,believe me it’s neither. It’s a complete meltdown and lack of clear thought I’m convinced of that. I’m sure if he had thought for 1 second that his wife would find him and his young son would have to cut him down he wouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry to be blunt but to see the aftermath is hellish and it will be for some time to come. Anyone who has these thoughts should feel no shame in opening up about it.

when the bleak descends there’s not a lot that’ll lift it without help.

Maybe it’s just never been that bad for me – though I have thought about suicide (only in the sense of wondering whether it would be the best solution, never in terms of how and when I was going to do it). Because I don’t really have a lot to help me – the drugs did nothing and the counselling I had didn’t help much either. I do find I get over the really black times though – actually surprisingly quickly sometimes. The trouble is, when I’m in a deep dark hole it feels like it will never end.

Though I agree with you about finding things which other people think ought to be uplifting depressing. Last weekend at the village fete it felt like everybody was having fun but me – I felt so lonely and just wanted to find somewhere to hide and cry.

Answer to the question is family… visit yours?

If only. My sister hasn’t spoken to me for 18 months, taking my (very difficult) admission that I was depressed as the ideal opportunity to write a long e-mail outlining all my failings for the last 10 years, refusing to acknowledge she’d done anything wrong and expecting me to grovel in a way I’d find difficult if my mind was straight. I’m not sure I’m ever likely to have a normal relationship with her again – and to be honest given that reaction to a plea for help I’m not sure I want to.

A good friend of mine committed suicide almost a year ago to the day. Still think about him most days, still miss him.
He had a lot of stuff going on and (I think) couldn’t see any other way to deal with it. Still grieve for the friendship we could have had.
Seriously, talk to someone, family, friends, gp, the Samaritans.
Please, just do it.
Rip Dunky.

Dude. Phone the Samaritans NOW. Don’t think you’re OK. Dont think it can wait. There’s no shame or stigma attached to needing a bit of help. Lots of my ex colleagues have been helped by combatstress. Get it done. You’ll not regret it if you do, your family might regret it if you don’t.

When I was close to it I phoned the Samaritans.

I guess that I was still thinking straight enough not to have done anything final and end it.

If you are having thoughts about whether or not to do it, then it isn’t the end. There must be something salvageable.

Novaswift’s post haunts me. A chap I knew from school did that.

Talk to people please.

Might i suggest reading back through Bullheart’s posts?

Samaritans are on 08457 90 90 90. Someone will listen tonight.

My Gran and my best friend both tried to end things, both thankfully were found in time. My friend was 18 and after, she finally got the help she needed, and the doctors gave her medication which she will take probably for the rest of her life, and in her own words, it’s the best thing she has ever done and she never wants to be off them.
If she hadn’t been found she would have missed some fantastic things like finding her wonderful partner and having her daughter.
Talk, to anyone, here is a good start, go to you doctor, get help, there is no shame in asking for help ever.

Massive support here davidtaylforth, hopefully this will give you an idea of how much good stuff there is out there

You put your hand in a flame – it burns, do it again, same thing, and again same result. Same with life you try and try, but it keeps going wrong, everything you do results in pain and failure, so great that it’s debilitating, eventually you start to feel numb. Nothing brings any joy everything serves to provide you with pain and misery. You listen to your favourite song do your favourite things and it does nothing.

Why not give up tomorrow? Because that means another second of pain, you’ve put your hand in the flame of life and it’s burned you too many times, your mind simply can’t imagine that it won’t burn again.

But stop, hold your hand a bit longer let it set you alight, let it burn you alive, let it do it’s worst.

That’s what keeps me going, if my life really is that bad then let it kill me, at least then I won’t be to blame for my own death.

If it feels like nothing good’ll ever happen again, suicide guarantees you’re right. You can always kill yourself later. This black pragmatism has kept a great mate of mine going for years now, he’s always just a few steps away from another attempt but he’s able to keep it just that far away.

Kind of what has worked for me. Got to a point once upon a time where I really did reach the edge, but then it occurred to me, I could top myself (easy enough to do really), or I could consider that black moment my ‘death’ and look at every day forward from that point as my ‘rebirth’… so for the past couple of years I’ve been a 30 odd year old toddler, relearning my way in the world but with the benefit of a bit of life experience! Looking forward to my teenage years now 😀

I don’t really have anything useful to say hats not already been said.

But I genuinely hope you’re OK and get this issue under control. Life can suck, but it can also be pretty awesome.

I don’t want to give advice that i’m not qualified to give either by profession or experience other than to say i hope that you are feeling a little more positive this morning and that you do seek out some help at the first opportunity.

Look after yourself.

Mate,

You’re not alone,

You’re not the only person feeling like this,

You need to talk to some one, (Samaritans are great)

You can beat this feeling.

Look after yourself.

Has anyone/does anyone ever get to the point where they feel like they just can’t be arsed anymore?

Definitely.

What stops you?

A: I’m a rank coward! When they sell the over the counter painless death pill that might change. That said I have previously made two serious attempts (in my younger years before being diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder).

B: The thought that it would be so unfair to those that I leave behind, possibly devastating to my children and partner, they might blame themselves. That and the tiniest hope that there actually might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

i cant see me ever being able to discuss this subject on STW.

worse than that, due to the inevitable impact that having the conversation has on the listener, it is all too easy to see your options decreasing…
but that should be the sign that you really need to bite the bullet and talk to someone.

Has anyone/does anyone ever get to the point where they feel like they just can’t be arsed anymore? What stops you?

I have been to that dark place where you feel totally dead inside, see no point in going on, nothing mattered anymore and where I couldn’t see things ever getting better. I just wanted to end it all as I felt death would be better than going on feeling like this.

Luckily one of mates saved my life.

Unfortunately about a year later another one of my mates I had known since I was 5 wasn’t saved I think about that quite a bit.

My best suggestion is you reach out to your friends or family they saved me by making sure I didn’t do anything. You don’t have to explain yourself just ask to be with them.

I’ve tried twice and sanctioned twice this year.
It’s just by sheer luck I was found or I would not be here now.
I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and my lows are unbelievable.
I’m under psychiatric care but when the depression hits I can’t control myself.

Being depressed messes with your head in all sorts of bizarre ways. It always gets better though. always.

Does anyone know David here?

David, please log in and keep chatting on STW. Its probably as good (and bad 😉 ) as anywhere else.

I posted a response last night – as I have just been through three of the toughest most draining days of my life this week – but deleted it as you dont need the details. But the end was clear – there were things by yesterday that made it bearable. Friends and family and bizarrely the opportunity to help an old lady who had got lost outside my brothers house (yes weird anecdote). Things are always there to make life worthwhile – most importantly other people. So please reach out…

I am very saddened to read this and please ‘check in’ to let us know how you are today.

There’s been some useful info posted but may I just suggest another approach? Pay particular attention to your diet with good quality fresh produce and reduce alcohol if you do partake. Avoid the peaks and troughs of sugar, reduce your carbs and ensure adequate protein.

Would be worth considering a vitamin D supplement, you may have read about this in the news. You’ll need around 5,000IU, in my non-professional opinion, and you can get this for around £10 for a year’s supply.

I do feel that by paying attention to nutrition, many symptoms of poor health, both physical and mental, can be improved.

E-mail in profile and happy to listen. Please let us know you’re OK.

Sending best wishes.

c_g

Has anyone/does anyone ever get to the point where they feel like they just can’t be arsed anymore?

Yes.

What stops you?

1. The logic of things, i.e. if you have nothing left what else can you loose? The only way is up after that.

2. Love ones, i.e. family.

3. It’s not the time yet.

Dave I know from your previous posts and pictures that you live in south lakes, I can recommend THIS and it is located just opposite the education center at Furness General. Talk to your GP, get out and ride, don’t bottle things up or try to pretend that you can cope. Once you have made the adjustment that you need help and seek it, it gets much easier.
Mental illness still has a lot of stigma attached to it, but that’s all depression is, it’s just chemical in-balances. If you had a physical injury you would seek help, this is just the same. PM me if you want to talk/ride, live near Grange.
Jono.

This is a worrying post, always hard to tell when someones just feeling a bit down or whether someone might actually do something silly. Given only earlier yesterday he was chatting about going to france to watch the tour and then do some biking hopefully its the former.

Judging by his posting history hes on here on a daily basis. Maybe if hes not been heard from in a day or two someone tries to contact him through another means? (FB perhaps – his e.mail links to a profile).

Doesn’t he have any riding chums on here?