Just picked up a missed call from my ex mother-in-law and trying to decide what to do.

I’ve known her now for nearly 20 years and she’s a lovely lady, and I really appreciated it when she contacted me straight after my relationship ended last year, which must have taken a bit of courage as well as she would have had no idea how I would have responded. She was also the only person out of all his relatives who got in contact, all the other people who I had thought of as my ‘family’ never spoke to me again, which just added to the pain of everything I’d lost.

So on that basis, I owe her a lot and would like to give her a call. But … in the end the only things we have to talk about are my ex / her son, or aspects of the life that we had together. I’m moving on from that, albeit with some set-backs (‘our’ house finally sold this week, which is good, but also sad as it’s the final end of everything we shared for so long). So, I don’t really want to call as it brings all those things back up again at a time when I want to let them go.

So, do I call and keep the relationship with her going? Do I leave it and let it naturally fizzle out? Do I call her and explain that I don’t think it would be good to stay in touch as I need to move on now?

Do I leave it and let it naturally fizzle out?

Best for everyone I think. Tough one though.

Might be best to explain to her your feelings, rather than just ignoring it. You don’t want her to feel as badly as you do!

She may be quite fond of you and actually sorry that your relationship with her son has ended. The very fact that she was the only one who contacted you must tell you something. I think relationships with older people are worth cherishing as they have a lot to tell me and they remind me that one day I will also be old and hoping for company.

Well, if you get on as people, then why not stay in touch? I appreciate it’s awkward circumstances but if people get on and are friends, why should the actions of others prevent the continuation of that friendship?

At the very least, explain to her your concerns over this situation, and if she’s understanding, then you might be able to find a happy compromise.

I’ve lost touch with too many nice people because of certain circumstances, and it’s a shame. But you can choose to have power over your life, and not let others influence that.

She may be sat there thinking about losing a daughter in law she liked and had a good positive relationship with.

Give her a call, innit?

Maybe call her back, thank her for everything she has done for you over the years. Keep the call short and then don’t return any further calls. That way she knows how much she meant to you but will get the idea that you need to move on with your new life.

It’s tough when those you think/thought of as family (friends in my case) drop away but it’s for the best as they are only going to remind you of what has gone before.

I’ve lost touch with too many nice people because of certain circumstances, and it’s a shame

It might not be a shame for them though.

Oh that’s nice, is not it? I try to offer a bit of helpful advice and that, and you have to be mean and nasty to me.

😥

No, I wasn’t being mean and nasty – sometimes, other people have lost touch with me despite my best efforts and I’ve had to accept that they had their reasons and moved on. As if I’d be nasty to you Effin 🙂

FWIW, a girlfriend of mine stayed in touch with my mum when a LTR broke up (quite a few years back, and it wasn’t even close to a marriage or anything) – it always felt really weird to me – I kept my mouth shut and all that but was never comfortable with it. It fizzled out naturally.

mmm … not really thought about it from her perspective before. Yes, I think she does genuinely like me (foolish woman!), and I know that she didn’t think her son should end things (I think she told him that several times). Hadn’t really thought that she would maybe be sad about losing contact with me, I just thought she was staying in touch cos she’s a genuinely caring person. She’s been there for me for years, and has always accepted me for who I am (even when being a shaven headed, pierced, dungaree wearing feminist might have been a bit much for a very respectable primary school teacher from the southern counties!)

Think I’ll give her a call, after all we could always talk about the weather 🙂

Good on yer Sue.

I’m still in touch (and have just stayed with) my ex in laws in sin and my ex regularly visits her ex’s mum. No problem at all. If you like her and she likes you then why not stay in touch.

You could have a nice chat and still say that you need a bit more distance from the relationship before things are comfortable. No harm in needing a bit of extra time to get your head straight, then you can call her when you’re ready. I’ll bet you’ve got loads to talk about besides her son though 🙂

Hi Sue, I agree with Muddydwarf.

One call out of courtesy and consideration for her previous support and then a nice clean swift surgical cut – heals more quickly and tidily IME.

Good luck and if you’re ever Hertford way email me and we can go riding.

think it depends My Mum is very upset my ex wont talk to her – she viewed her as the daughter she never had. they were very close – spoke more often than I did tbh. My mum has tried to stay in contact but the ex wont respond.

Someone else I know sees his ex in laws more than his ex as they took his side in the divorce. It all depends and it is up to you
Do you want to basically

My ex mother-in-law still calls me occasionally 20 years after the split. She is bloody hard work and I often wish she wouldn’t. But I’m too polite to say so. I have settled for never calling her and crossing my fingers that she’ll loose my number – or that no one gives her my new one.

Well I called her, and on balance think that was the right thing to do as she said she’d been missing me and had wanted a chance to catch up. And yes, we even found other things talk about – including the weather! A brief sketchy moment when the conversation steered into selling the house, skated on some thin ice when she wanted to talk about how he’d phoned her to say he was having a great time racing bikes in the sun in the alps (didn’t like to point out that whilst he was doing that I was spending the week sorting out thd house sale!). But it also made me realise that I have actually moved on, and prefer my life now to what it was a few years ago. I’m happier, have met some great people, and certainly ride more!

MuddyDwarf / Karinofnine – you’re right, stopping it now would be more straightforward for me, but at the same time she seems to want to stay in touch so I guess I just need to be able to deal with some of the emotions it throws up (and in time honoured STW way, going for a ride does help!)

Karin – thanks for the offer of meeting up for a ride – definately be up for that if I’m down your way.

and I really appreciated it when she contacted me straight after my relationship ended last year, which must have taken a bit of courage as well as she would have had no idea how I would have responded.

This works both ways, she obviously considers you a friend not just an attachment through her son. Well done for ringing 🙂

Sue_W, I think you have done the right thing, as i said I still have time to listen to my ex mother-in-law’s gripes about my ex and me and everything else. I think cutting people of completely is a way to a lonely life. Lets face it she was a big part of your life for a long time and it will be nice to look back and know you did the right thing. You have also proved you can deal with emotional stuff in a mature way – well done you 😉