So, well and truly split now. She’s moved out and we share time with our kids. We get on well enough for the kids.

I’ve been finding it pretty hard coming to terms with the whole thing anyway, but a couple of weeks ago she told me she was seeing the bloke she had the affair with originally (May-Sept 2012). Now she wants to introduce the kids to him. I said that’s ok, but I want her to let me know whats happening.

Anyway – back home on my own and its all pretty depressing. Feel a bit like I’ve been cut out of my old life and replaced.

Anyone gone through this? Tell me it gets easier! What was the biggest help?

Coke n hookers!

Ignore what she’s doing and make a good new life for yourself (and your kids, of course)

Don’t look back.

Its very hard to not look back – we were together for half our lives! (34/17) I know I need to, these low moments are hard.

I just get peed off that she’s the one that had the affair, but when gets her new place, there’s a big fuss made about ‘her new life’! Introducing him to the girls just feels like its taking that last bit of innocence away.

I’m sorry if my comment came across as a tad flippant, it wasn’t meant that way. I do understand actually, been there myself. What helped me was taking a good hard look at myself and writing down strengths and weaknesses.

You need to get to a place where you like yourself, feel comfortable in your own skin and, importantly, discover qualities that you didn’t know existed.

Hold your head up, you weren’t the one playing away. You need to trust her when she has the children so if she wants to play happy families with the new bloke then that’s her choice.

In time children will make up their own minds. Just be there for them.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Thanks. I’ve just had to do a uni assignment that required to look pretty deep into myself. Provided a few answers, which help me understand a few things.

Off to Majorca next week with the road club, so really looking forward to that. And hoping there’s a nice young female rider that likes the look of me!

Holiday sounds a great idea. Just remember that the bad days will happen less often.

Find a new hobby/challenge/passion. Something which you have never done before and isn’t associated with your ‘old life’. Absorb yourself in it.

Mate, I know you read my thread down there. I don’t know what I can say, other than…use the support of your mates/us/family.

Life is shit. No two ways about it. You are being punished for something you didn’t do.

I have had people come out of the woodwork over the last week telling me their stories. You are not alone, it is no reflection on you, it’s not your fault…and (they tell me) that time is a healer.

Focus on what’s right for you, the girls…and in a perverse way…her. She is still 50% of the biggest, most important things in your girl’s life.

One day this will be 20 years ago. Keep yourself sane, and continue to be the dad you are.

I’m still on a knife edge, so feel free to ignore anything I’ve said. I just know a range of views got me through. Thinking of you.

Thanks for the advice guys.

I know its hard to forget and move on with the girls, but I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I am getting a Time trial bike on the bike2work scheme (sshhhh!)and going to throw myself into that more than I have done. And I’ve started going out with the local running club in a bid to improve in that and make some new friends.

Like, you say, it takes time I guess. I just hate these low moments and hate that I’m suffering when she seems happily moved on.

Maybe him meeting the kids in some sort of way is a good thing,I mean do you want lots of her blokes walking in and out of their lives,maybe you should put this to her while your on good terms,and try not to act bitter as this will only affect your girls more,and try see them whenever you can,hope everything pans out ok for you and your girls,forgive me iff I seem patronising but I’ve been in somewhat of the same situation.

when she seems happily moved on.

Aye, well, I guess she’s had a headstart if she had an affair 18 months ago. See her “positive” situation as potentially yours in 6-12 months or so, IF that’s what you want

I guess that’s it, she much farther down the road than me.

I’m trying not to get drawn into conversations about him, just concentrate on the girls. The ex seems to think I’ll be interested in all the stuff his ex is up to (yes, he is married too, his ex is going off on one).

And hoping there’s a nice young female rider that likes the look of me!

Please be careful with other people, and consider that it may not be the best time to begin a new relationship – for you or whoever you meet. I understand that you have an awful void in your world, but remember that such a thing can have a significant impact upon your decision-making and how you form new ties. Be kind to yourself, tread gently and you’ll be grand…

Please be careful with other people, and consider that it may not be the best time to begin a new relationship

I wouldn’t worry about micro examining everything you do. You’re an adult. A fling might be just thing to boost your confidence.
Let whatever happens, happen. It might not work out but every step you take will be one further away from her shit.
You can’t stop her from having the relationship so just focus clearly on the kids welfare and understand that they will have issues you’ll need to very level headed about.

I’m in a very similar situation myself.. My life is pretty empty at the moment, but I’m doing my best to continue to treat the ex as a loved and respected family member..

I can’t really offer advice beyond that, but I feel your pain
Embrace the positives, you sound like you’re on the right track

I want her to let me know whats happening.

With respect, this might not be helping.

At the risk of sounding somewhat mercenary, kids aside “what’s happening” in her life is now the square root of sod all to do with you. By treating her as though you’re still actually together rally, you’re in denial to yourself and until that changes you’re going to be be stuck in the same funk indefinitely.

It is certainly possible to go from partners to “just good friends” (ugh), but, there has to be a period of separation, you absolutely cannot (IMHO) go from one directly to the other. You need to come to terms with being apart as the norm before you can properly cope with being friends again. If you’re splitting up, do it properly, get your own ducks in a row, then worry about rekindling friendships.

The kids are an added complication of course, and one which will make the previous paragraph tricky. Think about this though; is it better for the kids to have two miserable parents, or four happy ones?

Spending as much time as possible with my son has helped me. Also new house as a new start.
Still not easy at times though.
I feel for people who’s kids get moved away with the separation – I really don’t think I could’ve coped with that.
Decent enough friendship with the ex, she’s seeing someone else, but as Cougar says, that’s nothing to do with me so I let her get on with it.

The settled “family life” from the past (god, how long was it?) 25 years… so used to it, so to start a different kind of life after all that is really quite difficult!

she seems happily moved on

I believe that statistically this is the least likely ultimate outcome. More likely is her new found happpiness will implode eventually, once reality kicks in and the blokes ‘ex’ has some input. Reality will kick in for them soon enough, then we’ll see if they mistook lust for love.

ive been in a similar situation myself,
wife had an affair (i knew nothing about it) then she decided we were seperating because she had found someone else.
he was married too.
like you, i had to tell my ex that i wasnt interested in him, or his ex.
anyway, after a few months on my own, i met someone else, and now nearly 10 years later, we are married, have our own house etc.
im not saying life is perfect, but we have barely had a cross word in 10 years.
meanwhile, my daughter reports that my ex and her fella argue daily, and that she has caught him back with his ex 3 times, i guess what goes around comes around.
consider yourself lucky to be away from her, shes already proved she has no intentions of being faithful, to you, or her new fella.

I’ve nothing to add from a separation POV, but reading this thread should make all of us in steady relationships realise, that whilst life isn’t always a bed of roses, good relationships are worth fighting for, and we shouldn’t just take our other halves for granted.

Now, I love getting out and doing my own stuff as much as the next man, but spending time with the wife/kids shouldn’t be done grudgingly, and not working hard at a relationship, even after 10-20 years will eventually lead to problems.

Hi guys – thanks for the words of wisdom. Just back from Majorca (weather wasn’t always the best, but the cycling was awesome!). Just before going she said she wanted the fella to meet our girls. I said I was fine with this, and that I wanted her to let me know this. In the end, he ended up staying (they were away at the caravan), to the girls full knowledge. She explicitly told me this wouldnt be happening, at least for a while.

When she told me this, I was angry at first, but I just told her that its not worth me getting angry, as it clearly won’t be the last time anything like this happens.

The worst of it is when the eldest mentioned a conversation she had had with him. It was just gut-wrenching that this other bloke is talking to my kids. It just feels so painful.

Its amazing to see them after being away though.

It sounds like you are being adult about it, I guess the main thing is not to expose the girls to anything other than your love and support.

I really, honestly feel your pain mate, and I can only wish that you find some peace sooner rather than later.

I spent alot of time on my t2 Vw van and using it going surfing (with the nipper) along with trips to the alps biking.

Don’t get sucked into her new life. If she is crowing just let it wash over act indifferent and it will pass. You need to worry about yourself.

What she does with kids in her time is her responsibility. To ask for updates is asking for a world of pain.

I think you’re probably right – what I don’t know won’t hurt me. Best off not knowing and not asking and not getting drawn in. Efforts will be concentrated on enjoying time with my girls.

Just need to keep my chin up.

Cheers