Viewing 40 posts - 81 through 120 (of 121 total)
  • So my life just collapsed and I'm in a mess
  • MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Thanks for the update. Sounds like after the initial shock you are starting to move forward. There will be good and bad times ahead I’m sure, but good to hear you sounding more positive. People are here when you need advice, encouragement or a virtual hug.

    Rockape63
    Free Member

    Oh.. and dont move out.

    Yes…indeed! I didn’t want to suggest that such clinical thinking from her out of the blue, was a sure sign of an affair. Ive done that before and it didn’t go down well, despite turning out to be the correct! 😕

    Anyway, as per my initial post, keep taking one day at a time and good luck with it.

    squin
    Free Member

    Shitty news.

    You will go through lots of feelings of betrayal, possibly inferiority, resentment, thoughts of violence, anger…you name it, you’ll have some wild ups and downs but time will heal everything.

    Having had the same thing happen, I know that it will be really difficult to get through the other man bit at first (as men we’re wired for it to be incredibly painful), but you can’t compare like for like. Don’t compare him to you as the starting point is so different.

    If she does start mud slinging and telling you that you’re a bad person blah blah blah, just ignore it. Psychologists have identified this sort of behaviour as a way that people try to ease their own guilt, they need to create a false world and memory in which you’re portrayed as the root of all evils just to ease their guilt.

    Life for her won’t be perfect or her, the other man is not a better man than you. It’s all just a situation that will get better. On the bright side, their relationship is starting at a time when she seems pretty f*ck3d up – good luck with that!

    Don’t treat this as a competition. There is nothing to lose or win, just a time that will pass and a bright future will emerge. Try and keep a level head and be the bigger man.

    All the above advice comes from my experience of me initially not doing any of that and making life difficult for everyone – just lengthened the sorting out process. Getting things sorted and publicly ‘agreeable’ will be the best thing possible for you and your kids.

    Do be prepared for her to come at you legally hard though (despite what she might say) so get your own legal advice.

    Moving forwards, don’t be afraid to trust again. Your current circumstance isn’t an indication of how the future will be for you. When you’re in the right place you’ll possibly meet someone who will adore you and only see the good in you – be ready to be open and to trust as it will give you the best platform possible for the brilliant things that will happen to you.

    If you want to bounce stuff about offline then my email is in my profile.

    Good luck.

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    rossendalelemming
    Free Member

    I’m a few months ahead of you, technically a year, which you can find on here.
    My experience/advice, it gets better. Ride your bike, that has been the best therapy.
    Accept all the offers of help/nights out/meals in that come your way.
    Accept your mates offer of a weekend in Barcelona, but don’t fall off the electric scooter and dislocate your collar bone. Which means I’m off the bike for months 🙁
    My ex gets Married next week (in Majorca), 6 months after announcing his existence to the kids.
    As Squin has pointed out, the mudslinging serves no purpose other than to justify what they’ve done. Let them get on with it. Mine has created a whole new history for our time together and has cut out of her life anyone that can contradict it. Family, friends are all gone.

    As for me, I’m the happiest I’ve been for years. I didn’t realise how miserable she made me 🙂

    brokenman
    Free Member

    Cheers everyone, its funny reading some of your posts back as this situation unfolds i think many of you should take up a career as mystic meg

    Im doing ok, had a few low days but to be expected i guess

    She has been mudslinging the past few day telling me what a shitty husband ive been and how i emotionally abandoned her and shes found someone she can talk to and understands her. it obviously really hurts but i know i tried my best as a husband and a dad, yes i may have dropped the ball on occasion and could have raised the romance bar but 2 young kids and a busy job has not helped.

    Anyhow we are where we are, shes found an apartment now and moves out on Thursday so that should make things a bit easier.

    Having had the same thing happen, I know that it will be really difficult to get through the other man bit at first (as men we’re wired for it to be incredibly painful), but you can’t compare like for like. Don’t compare him to you as the starting point is so different.

    yes that is proving tough to wrap me head around, but i did find him on Strava and i am much faster 🙂

    Do be prepared for her to come at you legally hard though (despite what she might say) so get your own legal advice.

    We have had a few heated discussions and ive been a little worried about what she may do with access to the children ect but at this point in time we have informally agreed everything… financial, assets, childcare and maintenance (which is insane £328 pm)

    she has a meeting with her solicitor today (who sounds like a right bitch) so we shall see what happens next.

    NZCol
    Full Member

    They are your children, not her children always remember that, you have as much right as she does. For the rest of it, that’s lovely, chin up, smile and move on with your life with dignity.

    Cletus
    Free Member

    maintenance (which is insane £328 pm)

    It may seem a lot but remember it is for the kids and works out at just at approx £11 per day.

    Congratulations on how you have handled things so far. It may feel very painful but from my perspective you are doing well.

    noltae
    Free Member

    One thing a painful breakup taught me is that life’s experiences should ultimately be assimilated temporally – By this I mean try to take stock of the fact we have a past present and future – Now when I look back at the time I’d felt I’d lost the love of my life and was going through tremendous pain I see a different storyline – In actuality I now see that time frame as a wonderful period of my life – It drove me to get out of my comfort zone , travel more , have more adventures meet more people – especially more women ! I also put more energy into those that cared the most about me – my family .. So now looking to the past it was the best of times .. Your not a broken man – just rather bruised – for now ..

    Cougar
    Full Member

    She has been mudslinging the past few day telling me what a shitty husband ive been and how i emotionally abandoned her and shes found someone she can talk to and understands her.

    Obviously we’re only seeing one side of the story so I can’t be sure, but bear in mind that an element of that (whether 1% or 99%) may well be guilt as she’s trying to justify cheating on you and leaving, she’s the one that’s strayed yet it’s clearly all your fault. It’s victim-blaming, really.

    childcare and maintenance (which is insane £328 pm)

    This system really is **** up. We’re moving (painfully slowly but getting there) towards equality in the workplace for both sexes, and yet the bloke is still legally expected to be the “breadwinner” in divorce cases. Even when there’s a new bloke on the scene.

    teasel
    Free Member

    did find him on Strava and i am much faster

    Heh

    But seriously, let that one go – no good will come of that kind of behaviour.

    #dontbeastalker

    eddiebaby
    Free Member

    #dontbeastalker

    I read that as Don’t beast Alker.

    teasel
    Free Member

    🙂

    Pawsy_Bear
    Free Member

    [/quote] yet the bloke is still legally expected to be the “breadwinner” in divorce cases. Even when there’s a new bloke on the scene.

    not true, you split the debts and costs going forward are split too. Going forward you are two adults. It was my money she could not tell me how to spend it and I had three children, all with me.

    New man? Has no bearing on the split.

    For sanity drop all the emotional stuff and ignore it. It has no benefit and goes nowhere.

    This isn’t a situation you win, its about dealing with it and the right result for all including the children.

    Good to see she moved out.

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    Thanks for the update. As we’ve said many of us have been through similar so try and take comfort in that.

    The children are equally yours do not allow your wife to use them as a negotiating tool, you will get approproate access and your kids will always love you assuming you treat them properly which I am sure you will. You can always give your kids extra treats or pay for things outside of a formal agreement. From a financial perspective you want fhe minimum legal commitment. As for her lawyer being a “bitch” thats just trying to intimidate you, standard practice/tactic and in many respects the other lawyers job. As above make sure financial agreement is final so she can’t come back for another bite.

    Good luck and keep us in touch as you wish.

    captainsasquatch
    Free Member

    They are your children, not her children always remember that, you have as much right as she does. For the rest of it, that’s lovely, chin up, smile and move on with your life with dignity.

    But also remember to do the best for the children and not use them for simple point scoring against the ex. That might mean that you don’t get what you want, you just need to show them that you love them.

    brokenman
    Free Member

    Hi All

    I just wanted to give an update on my situation 12 months on, this thread really helped me at a pretty low point in my life and hopefully will help other in in the same situation sooooo that fact that im posting means i didn’t do anything stupid 😀

    The Divorce
    I am now divorced, the process was simple but very stressful, i was well and truly shafted by my solicitors who charged extortionate fee’s for basic advice and filling in template for forms, i i knew what i knew now i would have done it DIY via wikivorce

    Finance
    the finance situation has been a bugger and taken a big chunk out of my life savings, again huge amounts paid to a solicitor but in this case it was unavoidable as they offered a mediation that my ex and i would not have reached an agreement without, i am unhappy with the result but i have to just suck it up as i married her and the law is the law.

    Children
    The children live with me 50/50, its great 🙂 and the ex and i do communicate fine with regards to them, though we rarely see each other or speak in person but we do have a parenting agreement and always communicate amicably via text.

    Personal life
    Well its been interesting, ive found out that its not a complete loss out their for those my age, in fact ive been more successful this past year than any other time in my life 😀

    so whilst my life did fall apart last year im finding that rather than try replicate or mourn what ive lost ive accepted my new life and started to see all sorts of opportunities… i have a lot more free time, i travel a lot more, i cycle a lot more and i go on dates.

    Im definitely a different person now, most people comment how good i look and seem much younger 😀 , im tanned from holidays, ive been hitting the gym and lost my dad bod, i have a very fashionable new wardrobe, ive got loads more confidence from Tinder dating, im relaxed and take life at my pace now. (in fact most married mates say they are jealous haha)

    So all in all life is not too bad and i just wanted to let you all know i appreciate all your kind comments and if anyone comes across this thread when they first break up i just want you to know that its probably going to get worse (a lot worse) before it gets better, but keep your head down dont worry about what you cannot change and focus on the things that you can, accept your new bachelor life seize the new opportunities and make it a good one (please dont sit in the pub…..go to the Gym!)

    love you all xx

    DrP
    Full Member

    Top stuff chap…
    Light…end of tunnel…etc etc

    DrP

    Jamie
    Free Member

    So does this mean you can finally reveal who you really are?

    maccruiskeen
    Full Member

    so whilst my life did fall apart last year im finding that rather than try replicate or mourn what ive lost ive accepted my new life and started to see all sorts of opportunities

    A lesson there for everyone I hope – always darkest before the dawn and all that – and well worth the update just for saying that.

    muppetWrangler
    Free Member

    love you all xx

    Love ya right back man. Sounds like you’ve come through this like a champ.

    weeksy
    Full Member

    Great update that 🙂

    teasel
    Free Member
    Rockape63
    Free Member

    eddiebaby
    Free Member

    Result! Happy for you.

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    🙂

    Pigface
    Free Member

    Good news, well done.

    BillMC
    Full Member

    Like that elderly US spitfire pilot who got posted on here said, when the flak’s coming up at you you’ve got to keep looking forward.

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Great to see the update and to know that you’ve found the silver lining to the cloud.

    mark90
    Free Member

    i have a lot more free time, i travel a lot more, i cycle a lot more and i go on dates.

    If I wasn’t thinking about getting divorced before, I am now 😉

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    Love you too you great big softy 🙂

    Very happy to hear it. I had a train crash of a marriage amd divorce especially. A million times happier now than ever and in fact remarried – thats what I wanted and it’s done. I have to confess I did more ridng between marriages but thats partly due to injury

    Happy days OP

    njee20
    Free Member

    So does this mean you can finally reveal who you really are?

    Enough spelling and grammar errors I’m sure we can work it out. If he’d stolen a bike half the forum would know his NI number by now 😀

    Glad it’s worked out alright OP, always nice to get updates.

    roper
    Free Member

    So does this mean you can finally reveal who you really are?

    growinglad
    Free Member

    Glad to hear it’s worked out for you, well done.

    Going through exactly the same process. Although to be fair, we are so far agreeing on the split so it’s just a case of sitting with a joint lawyer and having the paper work drawn up.

    Also, on the lady front…couldn’t agree more…plus zero stress and games. If you get on, can have a good chat and a laugh then away you go!!

    Earl
    Free Member

    Sweet man – sweet.

    kennyp
    Free Member

    Glad it has mostly worked out. Finance thing a bit of a bummer, but in the course of a lifetime it hopefully isn’t that big a percentage.

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    Very pleased that life has turned around for you OP. All the very best!

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    i have a lot more free time, i travel a lot more, i cycle a lot more and i go on dates.
    If I wasn’t thinking about getting divorced before, I am now

    Certainly doesn’t sound too bad when you see it like that…

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Really chuffed for you OP. Glad to hear things are working out.

    garage-dweller
    Full Member

    If he’d stolen a bike half the forum would know his NI number by now

    😆

    That made me smile but not as much as the OP’s update.

    tenfoot
    Full Member

    Power to you OP. Keep going.

Viewing 40 posts - 81 through 120 (of 121 total)

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