OK thought I would give an update.
We've talked about things almost every day for the last month and some really hurtful stuff has come out that I honestly wasn't aware of. She has been to two counselling sessions (but didn't want me to go with her) and has said she has found them useful. She has given me snippets of what they talked about but I have been careful not to push.
She really resents me for being controlling: I can admit I am very assertive and someone who likes to get things done. She said that this was one of the things she found really attractive about me when we first got together, but nearly a decade on she feels totally different and feels like she wants to run away.
She says that the big disparity in our earnings means she doesn't feel like she has a say in the things we do: I'm sensitive to this and make sure I never bring it up or play the "I'm paying so we do what I want" card, and I thought that it was my job as a husband to provide for her and take care of the mortgage, bills, holidays, cars etc - but for some reason this isn't right.
She says she feels "wrong" having any physical contact with me and has even started getting changed in the bathroom so I don't see her undressed. She has stopped wearing her wedding ring. These two things cut me really deep.
She has asked for a trial separation. We are renting a flat in the village where our daughter is going to attend school (we need to be in the catchment area; we were due to buy a house there at Christmas but obviously this is not going to happen now so this is the next best thing) - but she has asked me to move there, rather than her move out into the rented flat or our other house. I am furious about this; I never brought on this situation and I feel that she should move out and live independently if she wants some space.
I am angry, depressed, and becoming paranoid, which I have never ever been. I find myself freaking out every time she gets a text or email or spends time at the gym or with friends. I'm drinking lots and not eating, and have started smoking again. I've lost 2 stone in weight. This isn't the real me, she is destroying me. Part of me wants her to suffer but I still love her deeply and want things to go back to normal
On the plus side I went to the pub on Saturday and had "the eyes" from a really attractive girl who came over and introduced herself and we had a good chat; she was way too young for me and it could never go anywhere but it was a great ego boost!