Sorry, this is all a bit netmums, it will be long and rambling, I’m not looking for answers or a conversation really, though there are a few questions, mostly I just want to get it off my chest.
I have been a user on ST for years, though this is an alter ego.

I’m 42, and since turning 40 it’s like I’ve suddenly woke up and realised I am wasting my life trying to achieve what has been pre-determined for me by my upbringing, peers and society. I have in effect been living the lie adhering to this ideal, ignoring who and what I really am, suppressing urges, conforming, etc. You get the (familiar I am sure) picture. Married 18 years, 2 children, good job, usual trappings of the aspirational middle class existence.
Scratch the surface though, and it isn’t good, or particularly healthy.
I’ve had three serious breakdowns including hospitalised with depression. I’m beginning to realise this is because I’ve been conditioned to bury the truth, put on a brave face, do the right thing, get back to the coal face. A psychiatrist once told me “you must be well, society needs you to be well as you have a family, and responsibilities”, immediately prior to prescribing a debilitating quantity of heavyweight drugs. Back on your feet son, slip that mask back on.

For at least the last 10 years my marriage has been loveless, held together simply through the practical demands of normal life. 10 years ago my wife had an affair, we gave it a year to ‘heal’ for ‘the sake of the children’, which I instigated. Think of the shame! Got to maintain the pretence, happy family, nice car, nice house.
It turns out that may have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Shit seems to have got very real since turning 40, I suddenly notice soulless unhappy people shuffling around a mere 10 years ahead of me, all of a sudden 10 years seems like nothing, it’s virtually around the corner. I am acutely aware of past mistakes, they have a very long tail, it increases the pressure to get it right, make the right decisions.

I have recently taken on a new job, striving beyond my comfort zone to move up the ladder. It’s not unusual for me to pull 14 hour days including travelling. It’s tough, tougher than anything I have ever done. I get no thanks, I expect none, it’s my duty, right?
I role in exhausted gone 8pm. I make my own cup of tea, prepare my kit for the next day, maybe make myself something to eat. I’ll pop in and see the kids in their rooms, my wife doesn’t move from the sofa, I’m lucky if I get an acknowledgement.

On weekends I do my washing. I make all the meals on a daily basis when I am here to do them. I do all the meal planning, and do the shopping. I run all the major mechanics of housekeeping, finances, housework, gardening, general administration, there’s nothing that happens in this house without my hand.
I get no thanks, I expect none.

In social and family gatherings, I am openly criticized by my wife, she seems to take joy in humiliating me, it hurts me. But, got to keep up the pretence right? Happy families.
My family do not tolerate open hostility, we have always shoved things under the carpet, emotions are a sign of weakness. My mother told me they don’t understand depression as they came from a generation that learned to be ‘tougher’. I recall them visiting me in hospital, I had been there several days, I asked them to come. They were horrified and embarrassed.

For the last year I have had almost daily thoughts of leaving my wife and creating a new life for myself. I am terrified of the future, on my current trajectory I’ll be working myself into an early grave through stress and depression. I will be one of those soulless folk in the supermarket I see, people being instructed in the minutiae of daily life by uncaring spouses, filled with self loathing and regret. I’ve had a taste of regret I don’t like it, I simply must do something to prevent wasting another 10 years of my life.

Yet, I am struggling to overcome the conditioning of my upbringing, and society. It’s so selfish isn’t it, to simply want to be happy?

I have nobody close enough to me with whom I can trust to discuss any of this with. Not even siblings, they don’t have the time, too busy creating their own lies.

I have decided to leave my wife, she doesn’t know yet, she’s sat on the sofa in the other room. But I am going to pay all the debts off first which is going to take me a few months.
To be honest it feels like someone has to make the move and put us both out of our very respective miseries, I am convinced we’ll all be better off for it.

The hardest part of all is dealing with my inner demons, the guilt, finding the courage, overcoming it all. Three lives are wholly dependent on me.
What an absolute waste.

You only get one life pal, do what makes YOU happy!

Sounds like you’ve made your mind up. Good luck. I’m sure you’ll be grand.

Do it, get out, you’ll all be happier. Sounds like your kids are old enough to realise things aren’t right, you owe it to them and to yourself. That sounds an utterly miserable existence and life, as you know, is too short.

May I suggest counselling for you and your wife before you leave her for good.

Dude, you’re letting her ‘do’ this to you, I hate to use the mtfu quote, but women need to be dominated now and then, no doubt there will be howls of derision from the hand wringing luvvies, but men are supposed to be men, you don’t stand for being humiliated in company, put her down, right there, right then.
Why bother to be married at all if you’re doing everything, I mean it’s not exactly love, sex and roses is it?

Before you dump here, verbally fight back a bit, seriously given you’re going anyway, give it a try.

Guilt? Didn’t you say she’s the one that had the affair, why are you feeling guilt? Other than for kow towing all this time.

Honestly, women need to respect men, just as we respect them, but that respect needs earning, from both parties and part of that is drawing lines that don’t get crossed, tell her how it’s going to be from now on, see if that works, if it doesn’t then you’re no better or worse off and just dump her and go on your way.

A psychiatrist once told me “you must be well, society needs you to be well as you have a family, and responsibilities”, immediately prior to prescribing a debilitating quantity of heavyweight drugs. Back on your feet son, slip that mask back on.

that is **** dreadful. I feel for you mate, and, although the following link is Jim Carrey at some american Uni graduation, it’s true. Do it.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajMpfPYlHi4[/video]

Yanbu, leave her, go ride your bike and be free. All the best mate.

Do it. Good luck fella.

What crispyrice said. Things might be knackered and maybe you’ll end up going your separate ways but a channel of communication needs to be opened and better it ge between the two of you than between your respective solicitors.

Oh, and ignore what rossatease said. ‘Women need to be dominated’. Really? I mean, really?

holy shit, that Jim Carey clip, thanks.

Yeh I can tell some shocking stories about our mental health services, but it does nobody any favours. It’s a tough job in an area of medicine of which we know virtually nothing relatively speaking.

I am willing to accept I have been a bit of a mug over the years, but it was absolutely for what I thought were the right reasons. I think in essence getting old focuses the mind, which is a considerable understatement! Some drift onwards through life not daring to change and wind up miserable for the rest of their lives, for others that possibility is intolerable and you make a change. I am hoping I am the latter.

Thank-you for your replies.

When I was a teenager my Grandma said to me “this life thing, it’s not a dress-rehearsal, you only get one go”.

Took me to have a divorce (in my early 30’s) to really understand what she meant.

Nearly 50 now, and glad I remembered her words.

Good luck with whatever you do.

You’re just like me, bottling up all the resentment and promising yourself you’ll be free of it one day. In the interest of a peaceful home and our child I bite my lip but I believe that, once he is off our hands, I will be taking the same decision that you just have. All I can say is well done for having reached that decision, do what needs doing then get out. You deserve it.

Sounds like you need to speak to your wife to see how she feels about your marriage and where she sees it going.
An amicable spilt could be on the cards which will save a lot of trouble.

To be honest you both sound so lonely which is sad.

All the best

hey, if you ever want to get on your bike with a random stranger and live anywhere near milton keynes give me a shout and we can have a poodle about

Dude, you’re letting her ‘do’ this to you, I hate to use the mtfu quote, but women need to be dominated now and then, no doubt there will be howls of derision from the hand wringing luvvies, but men are supposed to be men, you don’t stand for being humiliated in company, put her down, right there, right then.
Why bother to be married at all if you’re doing everything, I mean it’s not exactly love, sex and roses is it?

Before you dump here, verbally fight back a bit, seriously given you’re going anyway, give it a try.

‘Verbally fight back a bit’, Then what? I was in the same situation in 1991. Best thing that ever happened was that she bogged off with a mate of mine & I’ve never looked back. It was horrible to start with but me & my 2 boys came out pretty good. Think of yourself, not others as it doesn’t pay off.
No consolation but I am seriously depressed/stressed with work issues ATM. There’s a few of us in the same boat on here I reckon.

Yes, just to acknowledge the communication thing as I may have made it sound like the other party is completely oblivious to the situation. We’ve come very close recently, both admitting we’re unhappy.
It would be amicable,I’m committed to that, along with the practical support. We have kind of talked about that in the past.
Although I am not being naive here, I know in reality it may not be that simple.

It was actually me that prevented crossing the line the last time, and I have to be honest, it was the influence of my family. Divorce/separation just doesn’t happen in my family.
I am aware that one of my issues is I need to break free from that influence.

Actually, I feel sorry for her, she’s dependent on me and unhappy.

My marriage is also ****ed btw. Can’t afford to move out at present though and I don’t want to leave my kids, so we’ll be living as housemates for a while and in reality have been doing just that for a couple of years.

A very sad post indeed but people forget that a marriage needs to be worked at by both persons. That becomes even more important when children arrive.

At the very least you need to have a discussion with your wife and find out how she feels about the state of your marriage. Ask her what she’s wanting from life.

If you do decide to split then you need to be sensible and practical as regards your kids, the last thing you want is a breakdown in communication as regards their welfare, money, visiting etc. Keep it civilised.

There’s no gold medal for enduring a marriage and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for feeling so empty. You’ve been taking your responsibilities very seriously, it’s a pity your wife has chosen not to recognise this.

It will be bloomin’ tough to leave but just remember that eventually the bad days will lessen. Take care of yourself.

It was actually me that prevented crossing the line the last time, and I have to be honest, it was the influence of my family. Divorce/separation just doesn’t happen in my family.
I am aware that one of my issues is I need to break free from that influence.

I understand that. My mother completely changed towards me when I informed her that my marriage was over, probably due to bringing shame on the family. It was my life and wasn’t prepared to ‘justify’ or otherwise to anyone. You need to rise above it.

I was just about to post a very similar reply to Cinnamon Girl but she puts it better than I could. Keep it civil and protect the children whilst you are doing what you need to do for you.

Take care,

Jay

Lazy women are the worst. I cant help but feel the modern man has the short end of a very shitty stick.

Nowadays we are expected to do it all, the roles of the sexes have been blurred which is great n’all but they haven’t been blurred equally.

You’ve got to stick up for yourself in any relationship, its just a shame the rots go on for so long and you feel its past saving. When you get married I think you have to except your woman is going to make your life miserable to some degree, after all that is marriage.

Life’s too short to be miserable.

Wow atleast you can see the woods for the trees, mate you only have one life and at 42 rather then 82 you have realised that things aren’t right and something has to break …. don’t let it be you again please… be selfish and make a plan that helps those that you care about which includes your kids, stuff the wife she doesn’t sound like she cares for you from what you wrote in your OP. Stay focused, talk to your friends, ride your bike and have a beer and most importantly keep your dignity.. I’ve been through something similar and it will end and get better.
Good luck fella.

When you get married I think you have to except your woman is going to make your life miserable to some degree, after all that is marriage.

FCOL. 😯

Lazy women are the worst. I cant help but feel the modern man has the short end of a very shitty stick.

When you get married I think you have to except your woman is going to make your life miserable to some degree

What a load of utter garbage.

Lazy women are no worse than lazy men.

Not really the thread for challenging views folks. Opinions, are just opinions.

Hopefully you can work out who to take advice from on this thread
Some of you guys are miles away from humorous and not worth engaging. Your views were outdated 40 years ago.

I am not sure if talking to anyone will help you here tbh including her.

All i can say is that after a divorce the first few months are pretty rough but it improves

Dont leave the family home either as you are **** about access to kids
See a solicitor for advice as afterwards seeing your kids is what will count and the mother [ generally] can make that very difficult for you if they want to.

Good luck

You have responsibilities to your kids. Would they rather have a happy dad or a miserable dad?

I can understand the wanting to keep the family together etc, but you bring no shame on yourself by ending your situation. If your family think otherwise then that’s there problem.

Growing up in a home devoid of love is not a way to be well adjusted. It affects how you show and are comfortable around affection later in life.

Also it may not stay a silent disfunction forever.

My own input based on what you have written, and how you have written it is for all concerned, follow your gut.

All the best in your coming months.

FCOL.

What a load of utter garbage.

Yes marriage is a fairy tale of happiness from the moment you put on the ring until death.

Its people like you with unrealistic expectations of marriage that get divorced. Relationships are difficult, sticking together through the shit times is what makes a lasting marriage not it being “wonderful”.

I think my post has been deleted, fair enough, it was out of line and i apologise. 😳

Thoughts to build on the sensible advice given up there (ignore the anachronistic caveman nonsense):

1. Get your financial affairs in order
2. Seek out professional (legal, financial) advice on a “what if” basis to understand the things you need to consider (kids, money, housing, etc)
3. Get some personal help to get yourself in a balanced mindset – face into your own part in the situation
4. Set a date when you’re going to bring this up with your wife
5. Only decide on the future based on the outcome of 4

I have no experience of this, other than as the child if permanently resentful and unhappy parents, at least one of whom refuses to separate or divorce due to the public shame (in spite of their own “private” failings)

Good luck

I think my post has been deleted, fair enough, it was out of line and i apologise.

My moderate and reasoned response has also been deleted so dont feel too bad.

Blimey. Some strange hang-ups and attitudes being espoused on a thread that has started with someone in a bad way.

To the OP. It sounds like you are the one who can hold your head up, and you are the one who has tried. Just going on what you have said, it sounds beyond repair to me. Take yourself away from it all for a couple of hours. Maybe set off on a ride and just go to the top of the nearest hill and sit for a bit. Take away all the immediacy of the situation, all the flash points and all the stress. Then make your decision and stick to it. You are only 40 odd, that’s plenty of time to have a second bite of the cherry.

If you are going to split, do what you can to make a clean break of it. Try not to leave any feelings behind, animosity, regret, whatever. Square it all away and move on. I don’t know how old your kids are, but don’t let them become an ‘issue’ with regards to what you decide. Hopefully you have a good enough relationship with them and they are old enough to trust you and your motives.

Best of luck. Life is full of bullshitters, career climbers, devious individuals and the like. If you can look in the mirror and honestly say that you haven’t lied, cheated or deceived anyone, then you deserve another go. There are a lot of people out there who are going to wake up one day and realise exactly what they are, and be unhappy with what they see.

Been married close on thirty years and fought almost every one of them, but I tell you now, don’t fight and you end up doing the easy thing, and **** up the kids lives with a divorce. Women are psycho’s each and every one of them in one way or another and all you can do is stand your ground now and again and I emphasise now and again, the bit you left off of my quote.

Having been married 6 years, it certainly hasn’t been all sweetness and light, but i think you’re tarring all women with one brush, following your bad experience? if all women are Psychos, in one way or another, then all men are too.

Also, if the divorce is handled well and maturely by both sides (not straightforward i know) then the kids might be better off. the kids will get just as **** up living in a house with constant arguments and hate in it.

if you’re having to fight constantly in a marriage surely it’s better for everyone to end it?

I think keeping a failed marriage together until your children turn 18 or leave home is exactly the wrong thing to do – one’s late teens & early 20s are often a very difficult time, whilst younger teens can be kept in the security of their new home(s) with whichever parents they live with. Your children would want you to be happy – and your unhappiness will affect them negatively.

Big issues for kids at uni who realise their “happy” childhood was a sham and they made their parents unhappy

there is no good time to do it but kids recover and sooner if it is handled well

PS dont feed them

Rossatease – women are “psychos”? Really?

😯

I think you are right mate
Staying after the affair was probably a mistake but now you know so get yourself free.
Good luck man