Do any of you have experience of dealing with favouritism from parents towards some of their children? What is the best way to deal with obviously being treated differently by parents, even in adulthood.

This has always been the case, from what I can see, for this person but it has been highlighted even more since they have had their own children. The grandchildren are also treated less favourably than the favoured sibling’s children.

This is becoming a real problem and leading to this person feeling very isolated, insecure and depressed. I want to help but I’m not sure how to.

I believe the correct form in these situations is to write to the Guardian “dilemmas” page.

Lets be honest. As a parent… some of them you like, some of them not so much

This less favoured one…. ginger?

Do any of you have experience of dealing with favouritism from parents towards some of their children?

Nope.

This has been done on here recently hasn’t it?

Was it your sibling that wrote that post?

Yep getting now!!
Both my brothers, are constantly round my dads poncing off him….where as I only ever go round to see him and don’t want nothing ……ever

And we are all over 40, and I’m the youngest……such is life….init!!

Without going in to too much detail:

My brother has always been favored, to the detriment of my relationship with my parents. They don’t get it, and I’m not bother TBH, I’ve made my own way in life and am happy to continue to do so.

He got fully supported when he left his wife and 3 kids for another woman, becuase it was “better for him”, this left a sour taste in my mouth.

But then I’d found out that two weeks ago he’s got remarrried. Not only wasn’t I invited – my parents where, I still don’t officially know about it from him, or my parents.

As of that point I’ve given up bothering in the slightest.

sort of parents have different relationships with different children siblings have different views of each other and also different views as to their respective parental bonds.

I am the youngest of three, I am well aware that I was an unexpected unplanned late child. My eldest brother to my mind was my dads favourite and I suspect but don’t know received significant financial help as an adult . My middle brother claims he was my dads favourite though my childhood was marred by their rows . I believe my mum despairs of and loves us all equally but secretly I know I must be her favourite.

I know my mum struggles to treat her grandchildren equally but I had to talk her into seeing she was significantly and disproportionately favouring one grandchild over the others in her will .

My solution make your own way in life don’t depend on families being easily understood or fair and take what they give practically financially or emotionally with gratitude but don’t measure it against how others are treated.
All Families are Psychotic.

I have a neighbour who refers to one of his sons as ‘Devil child’. It’s a fair description as well.

This less favoured one…. ginger?

Nah – the blonde female one is the least favourite.

My stepdad was clearing his mum’s house (she’s gone into a home with dementia) recently, and found a load of notebooks jam-packed with 50 years’ worth of biting and hurtful criticism of him and praise for his sister. She’s always been nice as pie to him throughout his life, while writing down that she knew there was ‘something wrong with him’ from early childhood.

This is just to illustrate that sometimes it’s so ingrained that you can’t always tackle it head-on, even if it seems manifestly unfair.

How does the other sibling feel about the differential (better) treatment of their kids? The only approach that might work is a joint one.

This less favoured one…. ginger?

Not the geeky one with glasses?

tbh I treat my 3 sons differently, financial, but the same overall from a love/advice etc perspective.

The reason I treat them differently financially is that they all have different needs and different approaches to money – and are at different times of life (although not that different in age 21, 20 and 16). Lots of ‘different’ 🙂

From a sibling perspective, my brother and I are treated differently – but then he pretty much disappeared in his mid-20’s and we only see him for funerals (and the like). But seems happy with his life, as I am too.

How does the other sibling feel about the differential (better) treatment of their kids? The only approach that might work is a joint one.

They are happy to take the piss and milk it for all they can. It has been raised with them and it caused an almighty row.

Also I’m not talking about financial support, more just showing any kind of interest in this person and their children.

I’m my parent’s favourite.

I’m sure of it, I’ve met my brothers and they’re just not as awesome as me.

Yep, or at least wife has. Her whole life her sister has been better at whatever even when generally she wasn’t. Her parents funded her ‘travelling’ (holiday) in Aus whenever she got low on funds and ‘lent’ her £16K toward a house which she moved into with the partner she hadn’t told them about before moving again with said partner and renting the house out without paying any capital off or repaying the initial loan. Then she is held up as a glowing example of mother hood as she doesn’t have to work.

There are numerous other examples, but they just don’t see it. She had a mildly uncomfortable time in her late teens which her mother feels (because she told her) she is responsible for. Truth is it’s her and always is.

If I knew how to fix it I might have tried 🙂

Nah – the blonde female one is the least favourite.

Strawberry blond? As that’s still ginger.

I’m sure my parents had/have favorites, doesn’t mean they don’t love you though, just means they are human.

My kids are aged 5 and 3

One is an angel, his primary motivation is making others happy, he is eager to please, placid and very gentle and caring..

My other son is the polar opposite, he enjoys mischief, pushing boundaries, making people react to his bad behaviour and generally being very very difficult and naughty, he positively loves it..

As a result, I have to treat him differently, in that his behaviour needs addressing more often, and he has to be constantly reprimanded for crossing the line..

He already resents the people around him for treating him differently, I imagine that it’s possible that he and his brother could each grow up to have a different type relationship with us..

But I can’t stand stand adults who are jealous and resentful of so called sibling ‘favouritism’ – jealousy and resentment are very ugly character traits, and are almost undoubtedly the cause of any preferential treatment

Piss off and grow up…. what’s that? Your mum and dad hate you? My guess is that they probably think you’re a **** 🙂

yes but i’m an adult and deal with it, my partner on the other hands sees it as a struggle. Pointless waste of energy! Tel the person to grow up and think about themselves / immediate family. I was most certainly middle child syndrome, but i now do far better for myself than either of my siblings – the past is probably what’s got me where i am. No hard feelings, i appreciate what i did/do get, but don’t hanker after what i didn’t/don’t get..

simple.

Which one of mine I prefer tends to change by the hour depending what the little sods have been up to

Neither is ginger though

binners – Member
Which one of mine I prefer tends to change by the hour depending what the little sods have been up to

Neither is ginger thoug

+1 – although my son is usually well down the list

also not ginger –

just reading some replies, it’s making me feel better about the behaviour of my 5 and 3 year old..

although Yunki makes a bloody good point and is actually a perception of how the “middle child syndrome” manifests – never thought of that.. apparently i was sod so left to my own devices a lot.

Buy I can’t stand stand adults who are jealous and resentful of so called sibling ‘favouritism’ – jealousy and resentment are very ugly character traits, and are almost undoubtedly the cause of any preferential treatment

Piss off and grow up

This person is niether jealous nor resentful. However seeing their children ask why their grandparents will not visit hurts them because they know they are affected by it.

yes but i’m an adult and deal with it, my partner on the other hands sees it as a struggle. Pointless waste of energy! Tel the person to grow up and think about themselves / immediate family. I was most certainly middle child syndrome, but i now do far better for myself than either of my siblings – the past is probably what’s got me where i am. No hard feelings, i appreciate what i did/do get, but don’t hanker after what i didn’t/don’t get..

Thanks Sui, that’s what I have been trying to do, but it doesn’t seem to be helping.

Oh god, where do I start

One of 3 brothers, I am the middle boy. Oldest is always in debt and needs constant help/ Youngest went in the army as early as possible, need little bits of help but has a lovely home life etc. I have always looked after myself from the age when my parents moved 250mls away when I was just turned 16. I have everything I want and I paid and worked for everything I have.

My parents have only ever downplayed any success I have had. They have always given oldest preferential treatment and because he is twice divorced this has now spread to his kids/their grandkids. I went decades swallowing their preferential treatment with my brother/s but when it came to my own kids I flipped after a few cutting incidents.

Consider that over a 6-7yr period of my kids being born I only ever got 1-2hrs appearances from them before they buggered off to other friends houses to visit. If we wanted longer we had to drive 250mls to them and stay weekends with them. But no, we only ever got a fleeting hour or so. But here is the worst

1) Phone call on Thursday to us to let us know they would be ‘around’ on Friday evening at 6-7pm to see us and the kids. At the time my son was about 7 and my daughter 3. The fact that we got late notice was a pITA but worse was to come. I told my son and he, as always got really excited to see them as and grandkid does. He was in his pyjamas at 7pm still waiting for them on the Friday when we got a call from my mother telling me they had decided to go with my auntie to Bingo instead. My son was sat at the window looking for them at the time.

2) Speaking to my mum on the phone and she dropped into the convo that dad had just got back from being up to look after my brothers kids for 2 weeks in the summer holidays to help my brother out. I didn’t even effing know my own family were in the area for 2 weeks and they hadn’t even thought it normal to let me and my family know. This was about 3yrs ago

3) Speaking to my younger brother he asked me if I had spent much time with mum and dad last week (This was about 18mths ago). I responded puzzled. He asked if I knew they had been up again for a week together looking after my brothers kids. Again I was dumstruck.

There are loads and loads of incidents, like them refusing to come to my wedding abroad but going to the 4x wedding for my other brothers (Both twice) including one abroad. Telling me they buy presents for my brothers kids because they come from a broken family etc etc etc.

The visiting my brothers kids and ignoring my own is the one which kills. I haven’t spoken to them for 18mths and will never speak to them again off my own back. There have been a couple of letters from my mother and I asked the same questions in reply that I ask my wife every time it happens. My parents did not think their behaviour was anything abnormal. Its not worth the hastle and now that I have drawn the line I don’t have a fraction of the concerns I used to. There have been a couple of family gatherings where I have acted pleasant and I know my mum wants to stay on good terms but she still doesn’t undertand when I point out the things they do. So I am happy to cut them out as its not worth it.

Only downside is the heartwrenching times my kids ask why they don’t see grandma and grandad anymore. I have said to my parents that I am not stopping them seeing their grandkids and they are very welcome to visit. Funnily enough they haven’t visited once in the 18mths since I stopped bothering…….

Moving on was the best thing for me and my family. It lifted a huge weight

If you look at my post history I also have a small festering of my kids thinking there is favouritism going on. Using some of the advice I got off here I am doing all I can to avoid it. I don’t expect my two kids to be a carbon copy of each other and there will be times where I do something with one but not the other. But I will always love them both equally and they will both be welcome to my last breath if that’s what they need

My sister and her off spring get more financial help than I do but then they need it more than I do. My mother to her credit though realises this and will occasionally buy me something nice out of the blue to redress the balance.

Theres some quite interesting and honest replies here.

People spend a lot of time feeling bad about their less than perfect life/family life, yet many people have the same and similar problems! What really doesn’t help is those around you who lie and keep up appearances, often gossiping and mocking other peoples woes between times, these people are the true c$$ts and I bet we all know at least one.

My brother thinks I’m their favourite.

He got quite upset when I pointed out to him that he’s 25, still lives at home rent free, crashed the car (several times, and the 125 scooter before that) that they effectively bought him, can’t seem to hold down a relationship and works in a dead end job despite them financing him through a good degree and later a masters. If we were starting from any kind of level he’d be despised by now!

He’s so lazy that he went through a degree that pretty much guaranteed work placements, sponsorship and jobs afterwards (and the masters even more so), without even applying for a single job.

Anyone want a Geologist / Hydrologist, still dresses like a grungy teenager but I believe that’s normal for them until they hit middle age and adopt a jacket with elbow patches.

I think he’s just got a persecution complex and should MTFU and have told him such.

My sister and her off spring get more financial help than I do but then they need it more than I do. My mother to her credit though realises this and will occasionally buy me something nice out of the blue to redress the balance.

+1, I had to stall my parents from chipping into help us buy a house recently until they just transferred some money into my account as a birthday present. I don’t resent that they give my brother money all the time, or him, I resent he fact that he’s been too lazy to even dig a hole to get stuck in and has just sort of sunk into it.

I’m not ginger but the longer I grow my beard the reder it gets.

My sister has always been the favourite. But on reflection I’m a right ****, and she’s lovely, so I can’t really blame them.

Neither of us is ginger.

I’ve must admit my youngest is my favorite, my eldest is all about me, never does much around the house, never drives and expects us to taxi her about, expects loads of presents on birthdays etc. WE have to pay for her holidays and spending money, pretty much refuses to get a job. the list is endless, when she turns 9 this year things will change oh yes things will change…..

I’m very fair to all 3 of my kids.

…I dislike them with equal amount …but then again, all 3 are ginger 🙂

I jest, the first born (a girl) is the apple of her dad’s eye, but then I have two proper lad, little boys too.

One of them is a lazy so and so and gets it in the ear when it comes to getting ready, but generally he is quite polite and well behaved.

The other lad does everything you ask him, without having to ask again…but he can get a proper cobb on at times and you have to knock that into touch.

I’d like to think I dish out the punishment and love and praise in equal amounts to all 3…but then again, my sister was the favourite, so I’ve gone out of my way to keep things level.

Mate of mine had an older brother who was Mr Golden Bollards, he was a bit of a kno8, I remember the time my mate flipped out and gave him a good slapping, I could have stepped in, but he deserved it and it helped bring him down a few pegs….thankfully the old hag didn’t do the same with her grandkids.

yunki – Member

But I can’t stand stand adults who are jealous and resentful of so called sibling ‘favouritism’ – jealousy and resentment are very ugly character traits, and are almost undoubtedly the cause of any preferential treatment

Piss off and grow up…. what’s that? Your mum and dad hate you? My guess is that they probably think you’re a ****

I’ll respond on my own behalf, as that comment reflects on my post.

To start, I’m neither jealous of resentful of my sibling. I have a great life with two kids and (in my opinion) we are good parents to them both and are able to provide much better for them than I or my wife were provided for at the same age.

However, there is an impact on children when growing up psycholically. I have a particular character trait which people find annoying which I only became concious of several years ago (I’m 43) and thats the “look at me” issue. I thought I was being proud of myself, and letting people know I’d accomplished something; most others translate that as arrogance, bragging or attention seeking, it isn’t. I put it down to the fact that when I was young – from the age of 12 – having to worked to pay for my own clothes (except school clothes), hobbys, bike stuff, comodore 64 etc, and not having a single accomplishment met with congratulation, or being supported I’ve grown up with a “self advertising” mechanism to achieve the subconscious desire for recognition. My sibling had his way paved for him, cash injections for uni, new bikes, cash injections for his divorce and a new car, he was housed when divorced etc. When we were kids I was jealous – no more. I’ve made my way to a pretty good place on 5 grade C GSCE’s and some hard work.

Secondly, both my sibling and parents live far away and expect me to be the one to help first, make an effort, acknowledge my brothers “success”, yet he can’t my kids birthdays right, spell my daughters name correctly, hasn’t spoken to me in 18 months, got married without telling or inviting me, is spiteful to his own kids and is generally very selfish. What I referred to in my above post, was giving up this one way street of effort. I don’t need them, I have enough to deal with without the mental anguish that would add, and I’d like to focus on being a good parent to my own kids. An example of the selfishness; for my 40th my wife who works part time 3 days a week on average salary threw a surprise party and let everyone order thier first drink free (she paid) from the bar. He ordered a bottle of Champagne for himself.

So Yunki, please consider that such comments may be wrought from far more intricate detail that you implied.

Edit: and to add, with my recent mindfulness studies etc helping my fragile psychology, I don’t care if they (or you for that matter) think I’m a ****. I am who I am, and I’ll seek to improve that for my mine and my kids benefit if I can but beyond that I’ve nothing to prove to them or you.

In our house there is no favouritism coming from us the parents, but I am my daughters favorite and mrs-g is the boy’s favourite

My brother always thinks I’m favourite.
The day before our mum’s birthday he put a shelf up for her.
On visiting her my birthday card had pride of place on his shelf.
This is the picture I tactfully sent him.

Mate of mine had an older brother who was Mr Golden Bollards, he was a bit of a kno8, I remember the time my mate flipped out and gave him a good slapping, I could have stepped in, but he deserved it and it helped bring him down a few pegs

Sounds like my best mate that. His older brother was (and still is) a proper dick. His dad, for some inexplicable reason, thought the sun shone out of is arris. I remember my mate finally having enough of the totally disproportionate tretament they got*, and when older sibling loftily issued some parentally-sanctioned order, giving him a proper shoeing.

Like you, I let him get on with it. In fact I laughed. It was well and truly deserved. He’d had it coming a long time. He was (and still is) a prize cock! No doubt a product of a life spent so hopelessly indulged. My mates one of the nicest blokes you’ll ever meet. His brother is a ****! They haven’t spoken in years.

* For his 18th Birthday, their dad bought his brother a restored and customised VW Beetle. My mate got a Happy 18th mug. I kid you not. It was that ridiculous!

I asked my daughter once who was her favourite and I was in between the stick insects and the fish.

I’m an only child, which I’m kind of glad about! Not only reading some of these stories, but also seeing what my partner goes through.
Her sister is seen as the golden child, presents galore, everything paid for, lifts everywhere at any time without question. My partner gets nothing, never has, was really poorly treated as a child (probably the stepchild effect).
Her room growing up was a sofa bed in the conservatory, which was also the main thouroughfare in/out of the house.

She left home at 16, no financial support and made a success of herself, went through uni etc, worked her way up to a really good job without a single penny from her parents. Her sister only left home last year aged 25 into a flat round the corner, still gets lifts everywhere and gets help with rent, has been ‘let go’ from about 30 or 50 jobs in the last 5 or 6 years but was praised for doing well recently for having worked as a waitress for 4 months at the same place. My partner was promoted last year to about the 4th highest job level dealing with jobs and accounts worth millions and nothing was said.

When she was 13 or 14, her step dad went mental at her for speaking out of turn as she left the house, threw an overhand right at her – she lifted her recorder case (solid music case) and blocked the punch, which mangled his hand, blood everywhere. She ran off to school, by the time she’d got there he had phoned up saying she had thrown the case (it was a school instrument) at a wall and she should be punished. He then told her (bio)mum his hand was mangled as she had thrown the case at him, and she went along with him.

Recently her parents went on a holiday along the west coast of Scotland, her sister got clothes, chocolates, makeup perfume etc. My partner got a bar of £1 chocolate from Asda which was hastily fetched from a cupboard to make it look like they’d actually gotten her something.
I have suggested (numerous times) she should just bin them forever but she worries it would upset her gran.
Amazingly, a few weeks ago, my parter’s mum said to her “I think your gran has always preferred my sister” before going starting to whinge.
Really infuriates me! Sadly I’m banned from interfering, struggle to stand being in her family’s company for more than a few minutes.

The day before our mum’s birthday he put a shelf up for her.

How did he manage to muck it up so badly? She only put the card there so she wouldn’t have to look at the big gap.

It wasn’t me who got punched in the face by Dad and subsequently disappeared myself from home in 1958…

I don’t think my parents meant to treat me and my brother differently but in a very middle-class way they prized academic achievement which came to me more easily than my brother. Not helped that he had a problem with reading and writing (possibly dyslexia) and also, IMO is on the Autism spectrum to some extent.

Either way I think he resented me and what seemed like my easy achievement and that he felt he was treated differently for his lack of it. We fought a lot as kids as a result and we’re still not very close as adults. He’s 45 now and I’m 42.

To be honest, it’s long overdue for us to deal with this. I keep meaning to tell him I think he was treated like crap by our Dad, and the day my brother tried to thump him out of sheer resentment of the bullying he was receiving, I really wanted to cheer him for it, it was long overdue… and I was definitely on my brother’s side.