No, haven't been watching school netball practice again, the judge said not to 😳

Went for a run the other day (1st in at least 6 months and rarely ever before that) and could barely walk the next day. Went for another today as things were easing off a bit.

Then I had a nice hot bath, which always seem to help

Old Eddie Izard was having cold ones after his marathons though, so I'm just wondering whether I should have too

Questions, then:

What does a cold bath do to promote recovery (I can see it would drop core temp if you were overheating but Eddie was only doing his legs so can't have been that) ?

Is this why I've never been an olympic contender – all for the love of a warm bath ?

stretch.

I'd get a bit more practised first if I were you… but here's some simple science:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sportacademy/hi/sa/treatment_room/features/newsid_3097000/3097114.stm

What jam bo said +1

warm up before you go (but this can sometimes be just having a slow very east first mile) but 15 mins stretching afterwards does an awful lot of good.

clicky loads about this on the internet.

running = pain first couple of times out after a lay off, ime. Once I'm into the swing it becomes almost fun!

You really need to run shorter distances and then build it up gradually. And don't be one of those silly chumps who run around with a rucksack, look towards runs up hill instead and brisk walk back down hill (depending on gradient). No point in buggering your knees up IMO. Agree with the warm up, and possibly jog on the flat for a mile before heading up hill.

I daren't say how short these runs were

You have to start somewhere, just keep at it. Start by doing short runs regularly and make it part of your routine, then build it up to longer runs, otherwise you'll probably stop doing it/give up. If you find pavement plodding boring, try it off road, over the moors/fields etc. or mix it up a bit, a combo of both. Try having a set route and beating your time.
It's obvious, but I'll say it anyway, running on grass and earth will reduce the impact on your legs.

Run 2-3 times a week for the first couple of weeks, a couple of miles no more than that. Run the same distance each time, stop and walk if you need to, try not to. If anything hurts at all, stop straight away and go home and rest. Keep doing this for at least 4-5 weeks, even if by the end of week 4 you're gong mad, don't wear a watch, definitely don't worry about times, or any of that shit, just run, and let your body get used to idea of running.

Only then either speed up or run for a longer time.

Edit: Do this at a comfy pace you think you can maintain