Do I have to use the horrid standard shifter that looks like it came off gran's shopping bike, or do any other shifters have the same actuation ratio which I could swap for?

Cheers.

Nexus uses the same actuation as the Alfine, so an Alfine trigger shifter will work.
I use the nexus grip shifter with my Alfine.

trigger or twist from shimano alfine or nexus respectively.
otherwise j-tech bar end or versa drop shifters. that's pretty much it.

Thanks for the responses. The versa costs a few quid!

I take it they are not 1:1 ratio that a normal 8-spd shimano job would work with?