I’ve just had a pretty incoherent string of messages from my girlfriend, after a few minutes of cooling down it transpires that for the 3rd time today she’s been asked “What does success look like” on a conference call.

I’m genuinely worried that over the next 6 months of her contract she’s either going to blow a gasket or end up speaking like that herself.

I’ve just told her that she needs to ringfence the unicorn.

Makes me so glad I ditched the corporate career path.

To be fair, she needs to wake up, smell the coffee and synergise her paradigms.

That should help with her key value proposition as a contractor.

Tell her “She needs to take ownership for this, as there’s no ‘I’ in team, it’s a no brainer & she needs to push the envelope, & give it some blue sky thinking… etc etc” 😉

..Doh! Too slow

Think I’d manage about 10mins in the corporate world before going ‘full Michael Douglas’ in falling down 😆
In reality it’d probably be closer to a ‘full partridge’ with no socks and toblerone 😐

If anyone asked me that question the answer would be “not you, that’s for sure.”

I was told to “send me through your proposals and I’ll socialise them and report back” from someone in our finance team last week. He managed with a straight face too. JUST NO

Socialise them???? Does he buy them a pint or something?

Did you see ‘Meet the Police Commissioner’ last night on Channel 4? If you’ve not and want a belly laugh you might want to take a look.

In a meeting to discuss the P&CC’S options, ‘Head of Delivery’ Ollie interjected with “For technical reasons we don’t use the word ‘status quo’ – we call it ‘maintaining existing services’ or something to that effect.”

Good grief.

Socialise them???? Does he buy them a pint or something?

I think its more akin to potty training

Does he buy them a pint or something?

No, it is much much more sleazy than that, think more like a tory mp, wearing stocking and gagging on a barbiturate laced orange.

Oh 😕 yes the socialise word for inanimate objects; what’s wrong with circulate for ‘ecks sake.

Now that journey is passé socialise has become the new word for incompetent corporate cockrings 👿 What’s worse is that I have to use it to communicate with them…

She’ll be fine. She just needs to concentrate on the core verticals.

Did you ask whether she’s been focussing on her core verticals?

:Edit: Dammit, too slow.

didn’t really think we had much latitude to differ from Don’s original suggestion

A direct quote from an email I received today – GENIUS!

When one of my project managers says rubbish like this I just look at him blankly and say ‘I’m sorry I have no idea what you’re talking about’. This usually results in an exasperated sigh on his part at my refusal to play this silly game.

“…and now for our English speakers”.

Despite my customer-focussed current role, even I got told off for using “key value proposition” the other day (hence why I put it above).

Some of the others around the office are gems though. Think “Imagineering” and “Spagility” (speed and agility). That’s way past county-level bollocks, possibly into the nationals with a shot at Europe.

Was she angry because she didn’t know the answer?

I used to work with someone who’d ask what success looked like after every presentation he sat through. I think he was serious too.

I’ve only ever met one client who did actually speak like this and it was hard not to stare. Me and another of the design team starting writing them down and we’d use them for stuff like coffee

“Im going Expedite a beverage circulation memo”

My boss – I think jokingly – told me that there was no “I” in team. I replied by pointing out that there was a “U” in c…..

He has since given up on that kind of nonsense.

” incompetent corporate cockrings “
I just proper laughed out loud at that!

Some of these folks should spend a bit of time on site, that’d show them the error of their ways 😉

There is a ME in Team though.

I read ‘TEAM – Together Everyone Achieves More’ in a CV the other day. The candidate did not get an interview….

There’s a lot of ‘reaching out’ where I work normally used where ‘speak to’ used to be perfectly adequate…

I did stand on the Tube last week listening to a couple of teenagers fit ‘like’ pretty much into every alternate word as they spoke – pretty much double the length of each sentence and they could have had a much shorter conversation otherwise 😀

Literally.

We got a office full of Bollocktics, all the buzz words and acronyms
One of my favourites…Maybe the other half should …
‘take the conversation Off Line’

I sit in meetings playing Deja Moo (thats where you’ve heard all the Bull before) BSB (Bull shit Bingo) is a fun game to play, oops I just about slipped into my own acronym 😆

scaled – Member

… “What does success look like” …

You could always answer: “Success is like boiling water once boiled it’s hot.” … 😆 I win.

What does success look like?

Success may also look like this fellow. 😆

I’ve just told her that she needs to ringfence the unicorn.

success – it looks like this

That’s actually quite a useful one. I’m often asked why so and so isn’t doing very well. I often respond with ‘what does good look like’ if the person can’t answer, it’s normally just an abstract opinion formed on no facts so I freely discard it.

Problem is, it’s like the Khamer Rouge, you can’t contradict it else you’re out…