I thought I would, in my bored state, regale you with the last 24 hours or so of my life.
I got to work about 7 as normal. I'd already been for a poo before leaving the house so was slightly alarmed when once at work, I felt the stirrings of another one brewing. Assuming it was trapped wind, I carried on with my day. By about 10 it was clear I would have to see to it. Halfway to the toilet it became apparent this would not be a normal poo. Suddenly things took on a much more worrying turn.
I crunched over in the corridor as spasms rocked my body. Leaning against the wall I desperately tried to avoid going there and then and waited for the pain to subside. This was a now issue.
All I need now would be for someone important to walk past and lo', here comes the finance director. I try to stand upright but my guts have other ideas so half bent over, face sweating, arm against the wall, I nod greeting to him with a cheery grimace on my face. He nods back and without any further interaction or enquiries about my health, he continues on his way.
Leaving a series of slippery, sweaty hand stains agains the wall, I waddle down the corridor. I'm going to have to walk through recpetion where there will be visitors, people having meetings and the morning receptionist. Speed is clearly the most important attribute here so I apply both hands to my doubled over stomach, grab hard and lurch forwards, nothing is moving from the knees up. I take quick, fluttery steps, eyes focused on the toilet entrance. My knees do souble time, my buttocks, hips and thoighs are locked in place.
Someone says my name but I ignore them, no, I will not be stopping for a chat. I'm through the door into the toilets but there is another issue. Both traps are occupied. A tear of pure diamond leaves one eye. No-one has ever experienced more mental and physical anguish than this. My suffering has created an orb of pure, tempered carbon of the highest quality. Unfortunately another spasm runs through my abdomen and my eyelids close in agony. The prcieless gem is shattered to a million pieces.
I'm preparing to head for a shower cubicle when I hear a toilet flush. Doing an about face I lurch towards the traps and am in almost before the other guy has left. Ignoring the ripe, hot smell of his waste I fumble the door shut, push my trousers off my hips and seat. A loud grown emits from my lips....and my bottom. This was not going to be a poo. This was going to be a suicide.
Explosion. Would be a better word. I'm sure they could hear it back in Blackburn. I am empty but still I convulse and rapture. The paint is peeling off the walls with the smell. My fingers are digging into the porcelain as I clamp myself to the seat, afraid I will take off. I'll stop there but it took some time for my body to calm down and for the ensuing cleanup operation to complete. Thank god that is over.... or is it.
I gingerly sat back down at my desk and almost immediately felt the stirrings once more.
Now this was a very bad day to have bottom problems. I had a supplier meeting which was very important and I'd organised a professional qualification chapter meeting at our place that evening. Going home was not an option.
So I spend my day spending more time sat on the toilet than working. By about 4pm, I have nothing left to give. My stomach feels like someone is gripping it har, my ring feels like it is being bleached with a wire brush and I'm sweating like a pig, constantly. All I've taken on is water. I feel like death. Still 5 more hours to go.
The professional qualification people arrive, all 30 of them, and I stand in front of them looking like I've spent a week living the life of a Delhi pauper. I stare emptily into space as I explain where the fire exists are before staggering back to my seat and slump cock-eyed over the back of it.
All I can think about is getting home for another empty, arse gurning, stomach ripping poo. The meeting finishes but my torment is not yet over. The cleaner, upon finding my car keys on my desk, has taken them over to the security lodge. This is around a half mile round trip. Nice. I fart constantly all the way there and back, my hips slide, I thank god there is no-one to see.
Eventually, I get home about 10pm. I run upstairs and scour myself out and take a long desired shower. I am absolutely exhausted and collapse into bed.
I've taken today off mainly because I don't fancy being too far away from a toilet but I suppose the important question is, WTF was that? No-one else had anything so possibly not eating issues. We were due to complete on our house purachase on Monday but it's been delayed till Friday so maybe it's a stress thing. Dunno. I don't want it again though. thanks.