• This topic has 73 replies, 54 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by taffy.
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  • Remarrying after being widowed
  • robdob
    Free Member

    I’ve talked about this to MrsRobdob and she says I would need to find someone nice pretty soon if she passed away as she wouldn’t want me moping around and being depressed – she knows me very well! I have said to her the same if she wanted to but to find someone who cherishes her as much as I do would be the most important thing…..

    Of course there is no hard and fast rule about when you can move on and maybe have another relationship. People who are “outside” that situation may think that 1-2yrs it soon soon – maybe thinking that they have forgotten that deceased person when the new relationship starts. That doesn’t happen though – all your memories will still be there and you will still chrish the times you had, they don’t go away once someone new comes along. Hopefully that new person will respect that you will still have those feeling, and if there are kids in the equation they will also need to know that their birth dad/mum’s memory will not be forgotten or pushed aside.

    There was a feature on R4 recently where a woman had lost her husband suddenly – they were soulmates and she was paralysed with grief. the way she described it was shocking, saying things like she cried in ways she didn’t know were possible. She was able after a few years to remarry another great bloke who respected the love they had and the memories the kids had and fitted himself in the right way to make room for the lost husband but not replace him (hard to describe but it worked well basically). It was a very uplifting story in the end and gave a great insight into how devastating grief can be but how it is possible to get past it and start again.

    andymc06
    Free Member

    Drac you are over-reading into this. You need to make sure your moral compass is calibrated……….

    hora
    Free Member

    I’m still out of kilter. I’m not sure I could move on. At very best, casual relationships but replace and even marry after so long together? Personally- I’m not sure. I’m happy with my life, I’m quite happy in my own company, I have my interests and friends. Everyone is different and I accept that mrshora may feel the need to move on to someone new. Me though? Not sure tbh. Throughout life I’ve known a few girls, worked with quite a few and tbh not many have shown themselves to be great.

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    theteaboy
    Free Member

    Before she died my mum told me that she had instructed my dad to find someone nice to look after him after she was gone – “someone like that lovely x from work”

    2 years later my dad married “that lovely x”.

    leftyboy
    Free Member

    So having been through this I think it’s such an individual thing. I meet my wife at 20 we married at 22 and she was diagnosed with breast cancer at 24. After fighting hard she died aged 28 1/2. I was totally devastated and have never got over her death, however I have accepted it and moved on. I meet my current wife when I was 30 we got together properly at 31 and got married at 32.

    Was that too soon? No idea but we’re still together at 49 so i’m guessing not? For somepeople it’ll always be too soon but at 28 I didn’t want to be on my own forever.

    Mrs MTG was widowed at 41.
    There’s too many variables to put a set time limit on it.

    chip
    Free Member

    I think you should leave it long enough for the heat to die down and the insurance money to land in the bank.

    hora
    Free Member

    Old owner of our house- his first wife died in the house aged 30. He then remarried and his next wife died of a heart attack in the house before we bought it. Hmmm.

    chip
    Free Member

    I knew of a woman (now dead) who had two husbands and one lover die.
    And the dead lovers body was found at the grave of one of the dead husbands.

    The woman and her associates were under suspicion but after a full investigation by the police no one was any the wiser of how this came to be.

    sadmadalan
    Full Member

    My father died from a long illness, during which my step mother had come to terms with his death. So at his death there were very few tears and in effect she had already started to move on. She has only just re-married, but had been in another relationship which started only a couple of years of my fathers death. Within the family we were delighted since we believe that life is for living, the memories of the dead should be treasured but not stop people living.

    roper
    Free Member

    I suspect I have put Mrs roper off relationships for life. In answer to the op, the time is right when it is. There’s no such thing as normal.

    creagbhan
    Full Member

    I was married for 20 years when my wife was diagnosed with cancer. She succumbed 4 years later and I was sure that was it for me, aged 46.
    I didn’t intend to go looking for someone else but met a fantastic lady about 6 months later and we got on really well. She helped me through the grieving process.
    We were married 7 years ago,which was 3 years after my first wife died, and I’ve never been happier.

    loddrik
    Free Member

    I’m not judging people who do, granted 2 years seemed quite soon (not inc preceding courtship) but whatever works for them.

    I’m pretty sure that if I were ever in that position then I’d never be in another relationship, but then that’d probably apply if we ever split up too, I just like my own company too much and loneliness not really an issue, not prepared to share myself emotionally with anyone else again.

    wallop
    Full Member

    Throughout life I’ve known a few girls, worked with quite a few and tbh not many have shown themselves to be great.

    You have a somewhat unique view of women.

    chiefgrooveguru
    Full Member

    You have a somewhat unique view of women everything.

    Tom_W1987
    Free Member

    How soon is acceptable? Listening to the 5live phone in and I’m surprised by hearing people losing a partner and being rightly devastated, only to hear they remarried a couple of years later.

    Imagine how **** lonely you’d be after losing your wife/husband, if you were genuinely good together.

    2 years is fine, in fact, 2 years of grieving probably isn’t very good for a person so I’d say a year. I wouldn’t like to think of my wife wallowing in self pitty for two years, that would be utterly narcissistic of me.

    Either you believe in an afterlife where you meet your pissed off ex wife or you don’t, this sounds callous but if you don’t, any number is utterly arbitrary.

    There was a feature on R4 recently where a woman had lost her husband suddenly – they were soulmates and she was paralysed with grief. the way she described it was shocking, saying things like she cried in ways she didn’t know were possible. She was able after a few years to remarry another great bloke who respected the love they had and the memories the kids had and fitted himself in the right way to make room for the lost husband but not replace him (hard to describe but it worked well basically). It was a very uplifting story in the end and gave a great insight into how devastating grief can be but how it is possible to get past it and start again.

    This +1, that’s what I’d hope my missus would do. As the famous song says, life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, I’d be more upset if my other half spent years in misery.

    Stoatsbrother
    Free Member

    Either you love your partner and you’d want them to be happy after you die, or you are stuck on how important you were to them and this needs to be proven by them being unhappy enough for the prescribed period??

    leftyboy
    Free Member

    Trust me you don’t know how you’ll react until it happens. Hopefully for most of you reading this you’ll never have to find out how you’d feel and how long it might take to accept such a life changing event.

    konabunny
    Free Member

    good for you, leftyboy

    Edukator
    Free Member

    A guy in my mtb club lost his wife to cancer a few years ago. Three young kids further complicated things. He bounced back and was in a happy relationship within months (and still is). Any time after the funeral seems fine to me though I’ve no idea how I’d react personally.

    twinw4ll
    Free Member

    My wife’s on her way to the US today, so we discussed what i would do if anything happened to the plane, apparently, two weeks before i am allowed to go on Thailady4you.com.

    Matt24k
    Free Member

    The answer is whatever feels right for the surviving partner as it’s their life to go on living. If the neighbours talk and the ex in laws aren’t happy, that is entirely their problem.
    If I dropped down dead tomorrow all I’d hope is that my Mrs was able to find happiness again in whatever time scale suited her.

    hora
    Free Member

    You have a somewhat unique view of women. both sexes

    From a young age I became too aware of how adults act. No one ever grows up in life, you just add loans and titles to the child.

    Sorry if I’m a cynic. I think I was 9 when my eyes started opening to the world.

    chiefgrooveguru – you do realise this is the internet and not ‘real life’. A place for fun, frollicks and not taking yourself generally too seriously.

    Anyway, back on topic. An extreme example is Nigella and her ex-ex(?) husband.

    freeagent
    Free Member

    My Brother died last year, after a 6 year battle with cancer, he was 36, and his wife 34.
    She has had a tough year trying to get on with life, but has mentioned a couple of times that she hopes to find someone else one day, when the time is right.

    I know my brother would have wanted her to be happy, and have someone around to take care of her. So although it’ll be very odd for us to see her with someone else, I hope she finds someone to start a new life with when the time is right.

    Candodavid
    Free Member

    Mrs C was diagnosed with cancer when our son was only 4 months old, he’s now 14 and the battle is raging on against secondaries all through her body, now in the past few weeks we have been told it’s in her brain too.
    Life is really hard, we try to make each day as good as possible, she doesn’t want me to be lonely and miserable when she’s no longer here, I have my boy and until he’s settled into what he wants to do I beleive at this moment in time I would rather be on my own, but I won’t say never.
    I would never stop loving Mrs C, she’s the most amazing, wonderful woman I’ve ever known, I just know I’ll have a massive void that I can only fill with memories, and no one can take them away

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    So sorry to hear of other people’s tough circumstances past, present and future. I think if you are childless it is what is right for you. If you are a parent it most likely is what is right for you all…

    I hope I could never be replaced in my wife’s heart – but also I would want her to be happy after I am gone, whatever that may mean, should that circumstance arise. This may be a very selfish thing to say though but I am not sure I can imagine the idea of my children calling another man ‘Daddy’ in the same somewhat selfless way… I know it is not an admirable way to feel but there you go… That being said – whatever I would want my children should the situation arise to have a positive relationship with another man.

    seosamh77
    Free Member

    None of my business. If it makes them happy I can’t see it as a bad thing.

    mboy
    Free Member

    Life is really hard, we try to make each day as good as possible, she doesn’t want me to be lonely and miserable when she’s no longer here,

    My heart goes out to you! I’ve been the little 14 year old boy in that situation sadly… My mum died in 1994 when I was 14, my dad was 40. The Big C has a lot to answer for! What wasn’t expected though was just how quickly my dad seemed to move on. I know he’d had lengthy chats with my mum before she died, and she wanted him to be happy, but he’d got a GF by the time of her bloody funeral, only 10 days after she passed away! Me and my younger sister were mortified at the time. Now I realise it was just his way of dealing with things, trying not to get too upset and depressed about my mothers death.

    Anyway, 20 years on, and 2 failed marriages later, my dad is now 60 and getting divorced for the 2nd time. It may be a delayed reaction, but currently he misses my Mum more than he ever has done, and he realises just how special she was!

    spooky_b329
    Full Member

    If I went, I wouldn’t want my wife moping about leading a solitary life and mourning me for years to come, or struggling through what seems to be the three year rule before settling down with someone if she was ready before that.

    I did some work at a guys house and it was sobering, he had turned into a hermit since his wife committed suicide two decades ago. His house was like a timewarp, stacked to the ceilings with various random hobbys and books/newspapers, all shuttered up. Then he showed me his wife’s suicide note framed on the wall 😯

    It was slightly creepy especially has he had rigged up some lock on the only unbarred door and I had to ask to be let out every time I needed to go back to the van!

    In 11 years at BT, its the only job I’ve had to convert an old hardwired phone with the cotton braided flex, to a socket and plug in phone. Thats how timewarp it was, I don’t think they were fitted after the 70’s…

    BenHouldsworth
    Free Member

    My friends wife died suddenly 18 months ago, 3 weeks after the birth of their second child; he was, shall we say, “finding comfort” within 6 months and did introduce one woman to his kids but has yet to have a relationship.

    It’s been taken differently by different friends but as has already been said, it’s his journey, and aside from feeling he needs to put his kids first in any decision he makes outside of that it’s none of anyone’s business how soon or when.

    It’s him who has to lay alone in bed at night thinking of what he and his sons lost and what they need to be happy again, no one else.

    Kip
    Full Member

    Blimey, it’s a bit dusty this morning isn’t it?

    chakaping
    Free Member

    I’m sure that anyone who finds themselves in such an awful situation will be cheered up when they find people discussing it as a hypothetical situation.

    🙄

    It’s him who has to lay alone in bed at night thinking of what he and his sons lost and what they need to be happy again, no one else.

    Precisely.

    julianwilson
    Free Member

    No rules imho.
    I have a friend with a similar story to many on this thread (very sudden and unexpected loss rather than prolonged illness or time to say goodbye if that makes any difference) and nothing has exploded, fallen apart or gone wrong with him, new wife, inlaws, late in laws etc in the eight years since then, they are a lovely happy family. Fwiw he is is also still close to his late wife’s family even though there are no children ‘tying’ them together. In fact he lurks on here sometimes (*waves*)

    taffy
    Free Member

    Unless it’s hapened or hapening to you (lots of cancer families on here me included) you dont know how long or how soon. A sudden loss i would geuess would for me take longer to get over and move on as opposed to a forseen or known of death. Mind my situations like everyone elses is uniqe.

Viewing 34 posts - 41 through 74 (of 74 total)

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