Sorry.. this is depressing but I just have to say it to someone.. anyone..

I’ve never been one to handle death well.. the death of others that is. In the past when confronted by it, I’ve usually tried to forget it’s happening/happened and get on with my life, denial being the easiest option. During my 47 years I’ve known quite a few deaths, be it parents, family or best friends, through illness, accident or suicide, I’ve been forced to tackle them all. Each time I handled it the same way, put it in a little box and close it away. Yet one particular death, the death of someone I barely know has affected me more than I’d thought could ever happen. It’s the death of my son-in-law’s mother. A braver person I’m never likely to meet.

What gets me the most about her death is the perplexing turmoil in my head as to whether it was a life wasted. She’s the same age as me, I remember her as a petite, pretty little thing. I should explain; when I say I barely know her, I’ve known of her my whole life. She grew up opposite me as a child. Her parents were deeply religious, so much so that she wasn’t allowed out of the house. In fact, I probably caught less than half a dozen fleeting glimpses of her during my whole childhood, with most of them being just a pretty little face at the window staring out. I moved away and never met her again until a couple of years ago when I discovered to my horror that her son was with my daughter. The fear of my child being brought into a family so cut off from reality filled me with dread. My fears were unfounded as her son had no religious leaning whatsoever.

A couple of months ago I discovered that she had just been diagnosed with cancer. I’d seen her a couple of times previously, but saying ‘hello’ being as far as my contact with her had gone. I learned from her son that her religious beliefs had forced her to refuse certain treatments. Whether this would have saved her, I don’t know.

Over the last few weeks my wife has become quite close to her, taking our recent grandchild to visit, even so far as bringing her to our house for dinner a couple of weeks ago. I sat opposite this frail woman sat sipping her morphine from a plastic cup and chatted to her. I was completely amazed by her handling of the situation. Here was someone who by my view, hadn’t lived at all. She had been shut away her whole life, firstly by her father, then by her husband who she met from the same church. Yet her contentment with her all has rendered me completely dumbfounded.

In her 47 years I don’t believe she’s travelled more than 40 miles from her hometown. Yet here she was, bravely facing death with more dignity than I could believe possible.

As a lifelong atheist, part of me couldn’t help but see her life as being an utter waste, her tragic illness proof if ever it be needed that there was no compassionate god. Yet her complete and unshakable contentment with her all has shocked me profoundly.

Unable to eat or take fluids, yesterday she slipped into unconsciousness. At home surrounded by her family, there she still sleeps, barely breathing, but for all intent and purpose already gone.

Maybe religion does have its place at times… who knows.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BatjCj88Q1g[/video]

Sorry for your loss.

The one thing I’d perhaps pick up on though is these two statements.

I learned from her son that her religious beliefs had forced her to refuse certain treatments.

Maybe religion does have its place at times… who knows.

So, religion gave her the emotional strength to cope with her own mortality, which is a good thing. However, it would also appear to be directly culpable for her own death, which is not.

As an alternative, I’ve met a fair few people who were dying and all of them were calm and accepting regardless of their religious or none religious approach.

It’s people who are amazing and inspiring rather than what they believe..

Because her life was very different to yours, it didn’t make it a waste. She was clearly a strong person and respect that in her, don’t judge her.

And I think her life (and death) effected you because you perhaps saw her as a bit of an enigma – nothing more than the ‘pretty face at the window’.

Yet her contentment with her all has rendered me completely dumbfounded.

Yet her complete and unshakable contentment with her all has shocked me profoundly.

Some people are just happy with their lot. Not necessarily a result of her faith at all.

However, it would also appear to be directly culpable for her own death, which is not.

Anyone can refuse treatment, its not an exclusively faith decision. And people of faith can and do pick and choose which tenants of their faith to adhere to – daily. I know people for a Jahovas Witness background who abstain from treatment generally – as a matter of principle – but they are also capable of choosing not to do that. Their faith is a guide, not a law.

I think we have moral issue broadly around mortality as we have the technology, more and more, to sustain life far beyond what many people might feel is natural and many people have to make decisions and choices between life sustaining treatment and pain management. They need to decide, really, what their “Living Will” is – make decisions between a fight for life and dignity in death. Its something non of us really understand until we’ve no option but to make those choices for ourselves and we can’t guess what we’d do until then.

Anyone can refuse treatment, its not an exclusively faith decision.

Sure. But that’s not what the OP said about the lady s/he is discussing.

Sorry for your families loss.

This is what I have learned in my meager 29 years of life.

God doesn’t exist.

It really is that simple

Anyone can refuse treatment

They can. My Aunt has done for her advanced stage cancer – she knows she is going to go soon and wants to get on with it I think.

I wish my mum had done the same – the drugs she took to ‘help’ during her cancer simply made her lose the final months to ill health and what I could only describe as delirium.

—

sorry for your loss. Maybe what touched you is that she showed more dignity in death than many of us show in life

God doesn’t exist.

It really is that simple

Of course I know that. I was simply saddened by her lack of a fulfilled modern life (as I percieve it) due to her religious conviction.

Yet in stark contrast.. the contentment that same conviction brought her when faced with most peoples biggest fear.. their own mortality.

the contentment that same conviction brought her to face most peoples biggest fear.. their own mortality.

I think a terminal diagnosis tends to remove a good deal of that fear, partly by removing uncertainty, and morphine is an excellent adjunct to that.

I think I would have to respectfully disagree with your interpretation; I think people who are religious deal with situations like that by using religion, but I don’t think that is any better or worse than dealing with it without religion.

Not quite sure what you mean by a fulfilled modern life. This is bound to be different for us all depending on your values,upbringing and beliefs.

Being religious,she would have accepted all this as god’s will.

The OP needs to watch The Thin Red Line, it deals with this kind of stuff. It’s the only film that’s left me in the same kind of shivering awe that Beethoven or nature does.

Religion and Death are just like Britishness and Weather.

You can’t let it get you down.
You can always find somebody to chat to about it.
You will never be dressed quite appropriately.
(same goes for all 4)

I’m sorry for your loss.

Faith is personal, if she believed the big man was by her side then so be it. You may one day understand, or you may never understand but you must respect her choice.

At the end of your innings, you’re only responsible to yourself and whichever God/Gods you choose to believe in. Sounds like she was content with that. Can’t ask for any more. Again. I’m sorry for your loss.

You don’t miss what you don’t know. Sometimes blindness is a blessing. I feel here in the western developed world we see so much of the whole world and then we want . If we hadn’t seen it or heard of it, we’d not want it, we’d happily live in ignorance. Sometimes I wish that was me.

Sadly there is no cure for death. We all get it in the end and nobody gets out of here alive. We mostly choose to ignore this fact as long as we can. Occasionally we see it when others die but then we go back to our lives and most continue to ignore it, forget it, and probably many of us waste our valuable existence. That’s who we are. We’re a long time dead.

I think British culture is mostly terrible at dealing with death. It is the only certainty in life after all, so why do most people avoid talking about it?

Everyone is unique. You can view that uniqueness as a good thing or a bad thing. I see it as being good.

Of course I know that. I was simply saddened by her lack of a fulfilled modern life (as I percieve it) due to her religious conviction.

Yet in stark contrast.. the contentment that same conviction brought her when faced with most peoples biggest fear.. their own mortality.

Ah okay. Yeah I guess it is nice how much comfort it can allow some people in the face of the starkest adversity.