Viewing 38 posts - 1 through 38 (of 38 total)
  • Relationship track world – Same second time around?
  • mandrake
    Free Member

    Sorry for the long post but just wanted to check my thinking here…

    I’m 37 now and didn’t properly fall for someone until the quite late age of 32.

    I’d had relationships before then, and lived long’ish term with two people. Back then I thought this was how it was meant to be, you got on with them, they liked you, you liked them, that was that…but later on I realised there was a huge bit missing, then i bumped into someone and fell completely head over heals for them, we started a relationship but we were both in the wrong place at the wrong time, after two years of trying to make it work it just wasn’t happening and I gave up, finished it and moved on, this was hard and took a good few years due to the intensity of how I felt but I think I’m pretty much there now.

    I met a new person last year, they were very different from the previous, but a lot more of actually what I wanted, not what I thought I wanted, we spent nearly every hour we could together and it was all going pretty well, but…

    I had this doubt that it didn’t feel the same, it was less intense and it took me a while for me to develop my feelings properly, the O/H picked up on this and put it down to me not being over my ex (they’d had a similar experience themselves a long time ago) then that doubt lingered…and it was never the same after that. I was always completely honest and said how I felt, later on they asked me how it felt different and I said ‘the highs aren’t as high’ this pretty much ended everything, although it was the truth. I put it down to the second time around, your more adjusted, more adult, you don’t feel like a teenage kid, it feels deeper, more real, stronger, calmer, but the nervous butterflies of some untainted new experience aren’t there, you’ve moved past that to something more.

    Does this sound logical? I know if may not be the case for all, but it makes sense to me and why I feel like I do. I just wish I knew this before, trying to work things out in my head while moving along really hasn’t helped.

    That first time you fall for will always have a special place, as it was the first person, so you do have a few fond memories, but it’s just that, your not hoping to get back to that place, or see them again, your just reminded of something and it brings a smile, then you think about I dunno, if there’s more to Radio than Radio 6….

    I would have like to have spent a lot lot longer with that second person but I think it’s truly ended this time around, there were mini breaks before due to these reasons, such a shame, although I put some of the blame on Walt F’ing Disney….

    Edukator
    Free Member

    So what are you asking? I follow what you’ve said and yes it’s logical. I’m late fifties and the highs are still high after years with the same person, so if highs are an important part of being in a couple then I can assure they can still be had and there are no doubt lots of partners out there that you could reach them with. Don’t be surprised if there are lows too along the way, life isn’t one long high.

    IME, which isn’t enormous, some do it for me, some don’t quite and some I can find really nice but it’s mechanical/logical not love/passion/high/lust or whatever you call it. The day someone creates that spark and isn’t a nightmare to live with just hope they feel the same way too.

    mandrake
    Free Member

    Yeah I though the question might get a bit buried in ramble..
    I’m still in shock a bit and trying to figure it out a little,

    I guess its, can your second love feel different to the first, is it usual for it to feel slightly less intense and this be OK?

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    JoeBones
    Free Member

    I blame tinder

    MrPottatoHead
    Full Member

    My 2cents worth…I was with a girl when I was about 20, and it was very intense. The highs were amazing, the lows were crushing. It didn’t last for long but probably shaped me a lot as a person, so she’ll always be in my memories.

    I’ve never experienced the same intensity in a relationship since, but I’ve been with my wife for 10 years now and it is a far healthier relationship and deeper love, despite being very different.

    muppetWrangler
    Free Member

    I blame center parks for the mini breaks.

    mandrake
    Free Member

    Thanks MPH, that’s pretty much how I see things hopefully working out one day.

    esselgruntfuttock
    Free Member

    When I was 15/16 I went out with a girl same age as me, but of course it didn’t last. Fumble fumble, touchy feely, all that stuff. Always remembered her though, something nice about that one.
    I got married at 23 & wish I hadn’t (nearly didn’t) got divorced 12 years later, (2 great sons though), had a good relationship with someone for 10 years & then..*girl same age as me* reappears after 30 odd years!
    Wev’e been together for 15 years & married for 8.

    That’s Mrs Egf. 8)

    EDIT, probably nothing to do wit the OP, just thought I’d mention it.

    Edukator
    Free Member

    Counts fingers, dismisses those that were lust more than love (no toes needed). It didn’t matter where they came chronologically, the intensity just depended on how they were. If you can rationalise what does it for you into some kind of formula you’re doing better than me. Lots of women’s magazines print pages and pages on how to seduce men and make them happy and fail, only you know why the second lady didn’t produce that high and I really don’t think it’s because she came second.

    Poopscoop
    Full Member

    I mean this in a genuine and totally non malicious way mate.

    You’re living in the past.

    I say that as I recognise a lot of what you have said in myself.

    I wish you all the best showing this out. Is still something I am trying to resolve and have been for many years.

    wiggles
    Free Member

    I kind of get what you mean, I was in a relationship (first proper one) when I was 18 until last year and it was… well always intense both in the good and bad sense, I was totally head over heals and this made me overlook all the problems and stay for way longer than I should have (2 kids probably helped that) then things ended (she cheated) and I was utterly heartbroken after all the things I put up with/took her side when no one else did….

    But with hindsight I realise it was never going to last and long term I would be better off without her, I briefly started seeing someone else and tried to go slow/keep things casual but she wanted a lot more and I told her I just wasnt ready and things ended.

    But again looking back (always easier) I just didnt feel the same like you said “the highs werent as high” which seems stupid because of the fact of being with someone normal without all the crazy bullshit should be better…

    mandrake
    Free Member

    Thanks PS I know what you mean.

    I’ve been dating for 3/4 years of varying success, and trying to kick on a bit.

    I’ve cut all contact with that first person, deleted all old photo’s etc, not made any contact for over 12 months, we stayed friends after which probably didn’t help but I’ve stopped that as I could see what it was doing. I wouldn’t want to get back with them as looking back they were far from who I thought they were.

    I was told I was still haunted buy that person/relationship but i thought i was past it.

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    girl same age as me* reappears after 30 odd years!
    Wev’e been together for 15 years & married for 8.

    That’s Mrs Egf

    Which must be pretty amazing! Fantastic stuff.

    yossarian
    Free Member

    Poopscoop has it right. I’ve done/felt very similarly in the past and it holds you to a previous version of yourself which isn’t healthy imo.

    I’d seriously consider some counselling or something similar to help you put this to bed.

    Edukator
    Free Member

    Nothing to help “moving on a bit further” like meeting someone who raises the bar higher than you realised it could go. Come on STWers, there must be someone out there who met someone in their forties or later that made everyone they’d been with before seem lacklustre.

    mandrake
    Free Member

    Thanks for the advice, I really thought I’d sorted it but i guess I was just kidding myself.

    RamseyNeil
    Free Member

    It’s tempting to look back through rose tinted spectacles . Possibly if you are honest with yourself the highs get better as they get more in the past .

    esselgruntfuttock
    Free Member

    Which must be pretty amazing! Fantastic stuff.

    Thanks jamj, she is awesome. We never argue, never have a reason to. If I say, ‘Im off on the bike/fishing/in the shed’ (?) or whatever there’s never a problem. & vice versa (except she doesn’t cycle, fish or even DARE go in the shed)
    She’s my little pal.

    mandrake
    Free Member

    I think the bars still stuck at some daft high level, that needs dealing with first and resolving before it can be raised again.

    Thanks for the input though folks, I’m determined to sort it one way or another.

    tang
    Free Member

    Interestingly my first love who totally broke my heart came back into my life many years, and a couple of good relationships, later and wanted to rekindle things. Part of me really wanted this, but after one night together I knew I was just relying on the past emotional memories to provide for the present. I had actually moved on.
    I then a year later met my future wife. 20 years on still going.

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    OP you can’t generalise. Who is to say you won’t find a stronger love later. I certainly lobe my second wife more than I ever did the first.

    Edukator
    Free Member

    If you’re going to help the OP, Tang, you need to go one step further. Have those 20 years been dull compared with your first love or have the highs been as high/higher with your wife of 20 years, or with any of the partners in between?

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    I have had three reasonably long-term relationships of four years or more.

    My earlier relationships seemed good – especially at points, but neither hold a candle to this one. I used to blow hot and cold, got bored and found them less interesting over time.

    The relationship with my wife however for 15+ years, has been the most intense, deep and obviously enduring. I am more attached, attracted to and appreciative of my wife now than ever. Happily, she continues to put up with me…

    Not sure that helps at all but it’s my only perspective.

    dantsw13
    Full Member

    I’m afraid you were too honest with her. Women think they value honesty but actually want their version of the truth to be reinforced.

    Poopscoop
    Full Member

    dantsw13 – Member
    I’m afraid you were too honest with her. Women think they value honesty but actually want their version of the truth to be reinforced.

    In truth I don’t think this is gender specific though. Men can be exactly the same.

    dantsw13
    Full Member

    True, but I have no experience of dating men!!

    Poopscoop
    Full Member

    dantsw13 – Member
    True, but I have no experience of dating men!!

    Oh,me neither.

    Ahem…

    mandrake
    Free Member

    I’ve been up most the night trying to sort this in my head and boil it down, I think it comes down to identifying a lot of my own self worth through the first person, that’s why it still clings on.

    That first person was incredibly attractive, they’d walk into a room and nearly every guy would have an eye on her, being with them made you feel amazing at times, you felt validated like being with them told everyone what a great guy you must be, utterly childish I know.

    I’m trying to put it right. Heart breaking because the other person was so much more but never gave me that instant validation I craved.

    I’m going to try relate or someone later and give a few sessions a go,
    I figured out part of the self worth thing some time ago but never knew what to do with the information, I didn’t know how to put it into practice.

    many thanks for the advice, its the first time I’ve really spoken about this and it’s been really cathartic.

    molgrips
    Free Member

    Each person is different, each relationship is different. The early ones are usually more intense because we are younger and less wise, imo.

    Joe
    Full Member

    I would reccomend reading Aziz Ansari’s book “Modern Romance”. The majority of it is about online dating, but a lot of the mental gymnastics you are doing are a theme which run through the book.

    euanc
    Free Member

    I can relate to pretty much everything you have said although I’m probably only slightly ahead of you in terms of ‘getting over it’ so I can’t give you some magic formula as much as I would like to!

    I will say two things, one that talking to a professional is never going to be a bad thing (regardless of whether it is to do with relationships or something else entirely) so I would strongly recommend giving that a go.

    Secondly another book recommendation, I have almost finished reading The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck, not all of it will be of relevance but quite a lot of it might be and it may well answer a few key questions. If nothing else will highlight the benefit of speaking to someone professional.

    traildog
    Free Member

    While it does sound like you are living in the past, comparing your current relationship to a past one which you are almost certainly viewing through rose tinted specs., it also sounds like the newer relationship is missing something for you.
    Closeness takes time to develop, but there comes a time when you realize that whatever it is you seek in a relationship is going to develop or forever be missing. When you find it you know about it.
    Sounds like as good as the current one is, maybe it just wasn’t the one for you. Break-ups are hard, even when they were poor relationships, so good ones that just don’t make it are doubly hard.

    Be kind to yourself. Spend lots of time with friends. Re-find yourself and immerse yourself in your hobbies and passions. Enjoy your life.

    tang
    Free Member

    First love was amazing and I think your first real experience of that will always be something because it’s a first. However, going back to my op my now wife eclipsed anything before in terms of depth of love, even though I thought it not possible.

    mandrake
    Free Member

    Thanks for all the advice, I was in two minds if to post this or not, I took a new user name for this but I’ve been active on here for well over 10 years,

    It’s the stuff like this that always makes me stay

    WildHunter2009
    Full Member

    For me having a proper holiday romance was a bit of an eye-opener in terms of understanding how something amazing isn’t actually right in everyway. If that makes sense. Current long term and getting married relationship is better in almost every way but that 19yr old German will forever hold a place in my heart. Would have seriously wanted to kill her long term though.
    As unlike bikes it’s generally tricky and inadvisable to have multiple partners for specific highs it’s best not to get hung up on the crazy intense ones and embrace what makes you happy in the most situations.

    DezB
    Free Member

    My tuppencehapennyworth is that everyone is different, every relationship is different, some people might experience higher highs with a new person in their 40s than they did with their first love as a teenager, others might not.
    In the wise words of Ronan Keating – Life is a roller coaster, you just gotta ride her er, I mean, it.

    woody2000
    Full Member

    embrace what makes you happy in the most situations

    This seems to sum things up quite nicely.

    finbar
    Free Member

    My 2cents worth…I was with a girl when I was about 20, and it was very intense. The highs were amazing, the lows were crushing. It didn’t last for long but probably shaped me a lot as a person, so she’ll always be in my memories.

    I’ve never experienced the same intensity in a relationship since, but I’ve been with my wife for 10 years now and it is a far healthier relationship and deeper love, despite being very different.

    I could have written that, except for the first passage would refer to the middle of the three long-term relationships I’ve had. So I don’t think it’s always predicated on ‘first love’.

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