Man walks into a Buddhist chip shop,
orders some fish and chips and hands over a tenner.
He gets his food, and waits, and waits…..nothing.
He says, ‘hey mate, hows about me change?’
‘Change must come from within’, the chip dude says…

Why are poets always sneezing?
Because of their analogies….

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients. He felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and betrayal. But, he kept hearing this voice in his head, reassuring him, “Dave, you aren’t the first doc to sleep with a patient, and you wont be the last, just let it go”

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, “Dave, you’re a **** vet!”

Man walks into a Buddhist chip shop,

I think that’s a chain. I went into one of their pizza shops and ordered a Zen Pizza. So, he made me one with everything.

Q) What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
A) Nothing.

Bloke walks into a chippy and says, ‘Please help me, I think I’m a moth’.
The chippy owner says ‘Well, that’s all very well, but this is a chippy, you need to see a doctor’.
The bloke says ‘I am seeing a doctor’.
Chippy owner says, ‘Well, what are you doing in here?
Bloke says, ‘Well I was just walking past and your light was on…’

What’s ET short for?

Cause he’s got wee legs!

What do you call an Irishman with a pane of glass behind each ear?

Paddy O’Doors

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom demand.

I think I got this from a similar thread some time ago.

A penguin is driving along the coast when his car breaks down. He takes it to a garage and the mechanic says he’ll look at it in about half an hour. As he’s at the seaside the penguin decides to go down to the beach to pass the time. It’s a nice day so he has an ice cream and lies on the beach for half an hour.
On returning to the garage the mechanic is looking at the penguins engine. “Looks like you’ve blown a seal” he says.
The penguin wipes his mouth, blushes and says “It was just an ice cream!”

Just to get this post back up there seeing as its Friday.

Dear Dierdre
I was at the bedroom window watching the nextdoor neighbour’s daughter sunbathing topless.
As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded….watching me!

Do you think she’s one of those perverts!!

A man walks into a sweet shop and says to the girl behind the counter: “I’ll have a kitkat chunky”.

She gets him a kitkat chunky.

“No I wanted an ordinary kit kat, you fat cow.”

Brilliant!

I’ll add my effort:
Paedo goes up to a kid and says “if you come in my car I’ll give you a sweetie”.
Kid replies “I’ll come in your mouth for a whole pack”.

(shudders at what I’ve just posted!)

DrP

Two Mexican bandits lost in the desert. Sunstroked, crawling in the sand and slowly dying of hunger, when suddenly:

“Look.. looook José…eeetz a bacon tree.”

“Estúpido. Eeeet eez another mirage Miguel. There eez no such thing as a ‘bacon tree’.”

“No, eet eez real José. I must have bacon”

Buoyed by the thought of the fresh pig flesh, Miguel summons all his strength, gets up and runs towards the tree. As he gets near a single gunshot rings out and Miguel falls to the ground. With his remaining strength he crawls back to his amigo.

“Don’t… don’t go José… You were right…. Eetz not a bacon tree.. eetz.. eetz..”

“Si, Miguel?”

“Eeetz…eetz.. a ham bush”

Camel says to a horse “Why the long face?”

Horse replies “Cause I’m fed with you always having the hump”

Wanted:
£20,000 reward.
Schroedinger’s Cat.
Dead or Alive

alternative punchline – Dead and Alive

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, who will be henceforth be addressed as ‘the lawyers’ and the party of the second part, henceforth addressed as ‘the light bulb’ do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2.Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (‘receptacle’), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part (‘new light bulb’). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact actually becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
NB: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so with the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as ‘The Firm’.

What do you call a dog with two dicks…

N~DUBZ

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None.

The bee’s have gone on strike. Thy’re demanding more honey and less flowers.

Why dont communists like Earl Grey?
Because all property is theft.

I got stung by a bee yesterday.

Six quid for a jar of honey!

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette’s suffering girlfriend for years now.

I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

How many Murdochs does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s far easier to be kept in the dark.

That’s satire, that is.