I was in the supermarket the other day and saw a loaf of bread that reminded me of you.

Said “thick cut” on the packet.

Mrs Toast – Member
Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

Mrs Toast may be pleased to know this had me and my son crying with laughter last night. We were reading a book about dogs and it fitted nicely. 😀

who is the coolest person in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy………………….

when the ultrasound guy is off work ,
who is the coolest person in the hospital?
The Hip replacement guy.

An essex girl is pulled out of the rubble of the world trade center. A paramedic rushes over.

‘where are you bleeding from honey?’ he asks

‘romford’

Went to the zoo the other day, saw a chameleon……

Crap chameleon

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What do you call a woman with a chimney on her head?
Ruth.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man with a ship on his head?
Captain Boat Hat.

What do you call a man with an oil rig on his head?

Derrick

Went to the zoo the other day, saw a chameleon……

Crap chameleon
I lol’d. 😀

When Caesar invaded Britain, what did he say to his men before they got off the boat?

‘Get off the boat, men.’

What do you call a man with a ship on his head?
Captain Boat Hat.

Howard Keel.

Skeleton walks into a bar and says “give me a pint of lager and a mop please”

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

Had to laugh at the Caesar one, V good.

Found an app on my phone that makes my wife look fat.

it’s called “Camera”

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.

The Mrs said, turn the bedside light out and I’ll let you stick it up my bum… To be fair I probably should have waited till the bulb had cooled first!

In the gym last night I bspoke to this bird. I said, “Have you tried skipping?” She said, “What, like boxers do with a rope?” I said, “No, meals fatty…

When my girlfriend told me that Davy Jones of the Monkees had died, i thought she was joking,….. And then i saw her face. Now I’m a bereaver!

When I was young,my dad used to sit me in a tyre and roll me downhill,those were Goodyears.

I’ve just sat there watching Fatima Whitbread, in a skimpy bikini, having a shower under a jungle waterfall & thought to myself, please don’t get an erection…

…but she did!!!!!

A catholic Priest was on the tellypraising one of his alter boys for saving his life. The 14yr old apparently found a lump on one of his testicles.

I went for a testicle check up last wk. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls & said, “Don’t worry, it’s quite normal to get an erection during this procedure”
I said “I haven’t got an erection”
She said “No, but I have.”

A man walks into a pub

Ouch

It was an iron pub

A local radio station are running a phone competition to win either $200 or tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don’t know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

The wife screamed “I’m sick of you wasting your time on all these inventions! None of them flipping work!”

It was at that point that the “slap-a-mouthy-trollop 3000” sprung into action

And the one and only physics joke:

Beware of quantum ducks

QUARK QUARK!!!

Only two things smell of fish.

what’s blue and doesn’t fit?

a dead epileptic

Surely not Sparkyspice! –

Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip? …. to get to the same side!

A neutron walks in to a bar “How much for a double 25 year old Bruichladdich”?

Barman – “to you sir, no charge”!

da dum.

With thanks to Dr Sheldon Cooper.

Blonde in car accident and the paramedic gets to her and checks her brething and pulse etc then checks for blurred vision holding two fingers in front of her says “How many fingers have I got up”
The blonde replies “Oh my God I’m paralysed”

I was accused of interfering with a kid in our street, got off with it because there are no cute kids in our street! (This is a joke by the way not a statement!)

Why did the broccolli keep swearing………..he had florets.

Polar bear walks into a bar. Goes up to the barman and says
‘I’ll have a pint of…..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
lemonade please’

Barman ‘No probs, but why the big pause?’

Polar Bear ‘Because I’m a bear!’

That’s up there with,

Horse goes into a bar.

Barman asks, “so, why the long face?”

After digging to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2000 metres and headlines in the U.K. papers read: “English scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.”

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: “After digging as deep as 5000 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology.”

This is a true story:

Man goes and visits remote tribe and asks them how they get news of the outside world. “We use the Bush Radio” was the answer. He assumes this is some version of the Bush Telegraph that he knew about from Tarzan etc. He’s slightly surprised later on when someone brings out a transistor radio and tunes it into the World Service.

A really scruffy, tangled piece of string walks into a bar…
The barman points to a sign which reads ‘We don’t serve pieces of string in here’
The string says ‘ah, but that doesn’t apply to me’
The barman says ‘why, aren’t you a piece of string?’

The string says ‘No…I’m a frayed knot’

Horse goes into a bar.

Barman asks, “so, why the long face?”

The horse says ‘Well, if you must know, I’ve just had some bad news’

A man walks into a sweet shop and says to the girl behind the counter: “I’ll have a kitkat chunky”.

She gets him a kitkat chunky.

“No I wanted an ordinary kit kat, you fat cow.”

Building on andrewh’s…

What’s got 2 legs, spots and bleeds..?

Half a leapard!

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a….
.
.
.
.

mop.

Three American hunters come across some tracks…

Biff says ‘I reckon they’re mountain lion tracks’
Hank says ‘Well I reckon they’re bear tracks’

But before Chuck could say anything they were all hit by a train.

A little old lady goes to see the doc…

“Doctor, I’ve got constant TERRIBLE flatulence, but it’s silent and it doesn’t smell”

“OK” replies the doctor “Take these pills and come back and see me in a week”

A week later she returns
“Doctor, I’ve still got the terrible flatulance, it’s still sielnt, but now it smells AWFUL”

“OK” grimaces the doc “That’s sorted your sense of smell, now lets work on your hearing!”

I rear-ended a car this morning …

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn’t you know it! He was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, “I’m NOT f***ing happy!”
So I said, “Which f***ing one ARE you then?”

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

pingu66 – Member
Blonde in car accident and the paramedic gets to her and checks her brething and pulse etc then checks for blurred vision holding two fingers in front of her says “How many fingers have I got up”
The blonde replies “Oh my God I’m paralysed”

😆 😳
found my level

What’s red and isn’t there.

No tomatoes.

Why are pirates called pirates

They just arrrrrrr!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave ’till it’s Bill Withers.