REALLY bad jokes that make you laugh

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  • REALLY bad jokes that make you laugh
  • Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    They’ve just found a Mummy in Egypt that’s covered in chocolate and peanuts.

    Apparently he was called Pharoah Rocher.

    LapSteel
    Member

    A man walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”

    Premier Icon DezB
    Subscriber

    Knock knock

    andyruss
    Member

    Wife went mad at me because l didn ‘t open the car door for her mother.
    I just panic ‘d and swam for the surface

    Premier Icon edd
    Subscriber

    What do you call a donkey with three legs?

    A wonky.

    LapSteel
    Member

    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: “Is this some kind of a joke?”

    Premier Icon tomhoward
    Subscriber

    What do you call a fly with no wings?

    A walk.

    Premier Icon edd
    Subscriber

    Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    It drove down the road and turned into a field.

    Premier Icon edd
    Subscriber

    What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?

    Pat.

    What’s grey, and would almost certainly kill you if it fell out of a tree on to your head?

    A multi-story car park.

    Two goldfish in a tank. One says, “How do you drive this thing?”

    Two birds on a perch. One says, “Can you smell fish?”

    Premier Icon DezB
    Subscriber

    (ok, that’s not going to work!)

    Knock knock

    Who’s there?

    Petersfield

    Petersfield who?

    Petersfield his pants. 😀

    (Local joke, but gets me everytime!)

    Squidlord
    Member

    For lunch today, I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple.

    That’s hawaii roll.

    Premier Icon D0NK
    Subscriber

    (ok, that’s not going to work!)

    tough crowd huh

    Why are pirates called pirates?

    They just arrrrrgh

    edit VG squid 😉

    andyruss
    Member

    What do you call a dog with wings?
    Linda mccartney

    Premier Icon Harry_the_Spider
    Subscriber

    A white horse walks into a pub and orders a whiskey. The barman says “What a coincidence, we’ve got a whiskey named after you!” To which the horse replies “Bernard?”.

    Premier Icon teamhurtmore
    Subscriber

    LapSteel – Member
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: “Is this some kind of a joke?”

    +1 my favourite of this genre along with: A man walks into a bar and says, “ouch”

    don simon
    Member

    My dog has no nose.

    Mr Woppit
    Member

    Man at the doctors: “I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass Of Home.”

    Doc: “That’s what we call TJOCD.”

    Man: “What’s that?”

    Doc: “Tom Jones Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.”

    Man: “Is it common?”

    Doc: “No, but it’s not unusual…”

    Try the fish, I’m here all week.

    Omar Little
    Member

    What do you call a Spanish gay man?
    Senor Willy

    Mrs Toast
    Member

    Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog.

    It was a shih tzu.

    Premier Icon thepurist
    Subscriber

    William Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman shouts “Oi! You’re Bard”.

    fasthaggis
    Member

    ” Do you have four candles ?”

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    Man: Doctor I’ve got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.

    Dr: Bend over I’ll have a look…mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.

    Man: That’s just the tip of the Iceberg

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    Hipster’s children should be Scene and not Herd.

    andyruss
    Member

    Spanish fireman called his twin sons
    jose
    And JosB

    fasthaggis
    Member

    ” Hello,I am a wide mouthed frog ”

    alpin
    Member

    why is 10 scared of 7?

    because 7 8 9….

    RealMan
    Member

    A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says “PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!” Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
    “First,” says the bartender, “you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there’s a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there’s an eighty-five year old woman in the back who’s never had sex. You have to have sex with her.”
    The guy think it over and says “okay, sure. You have a deal!” He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he’s basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There’s a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what’s going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
    “What’s he doing?” asks the bartender.
    “What’s left of him is back there in the croc pen,” she says, her horrified face pale with shock. “His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to **** the croc. The croc…the croc ate him.”
    “Oh, Jesus,” whispers the bartender. “Jesus.”
    Nobody says a word.

    What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple?
    The Holocaust.

    Premier Icon senor j
    Subscriber

    Heard the one about the fly that won the lottery???…….
    it bought a dog in Spain. 😀

    works for me.

    Premier Icon stewartc
    Subscriber

    Doctor: The results are in, I am afraid you have Hermes
    Man: Dont you mean Herpes?
    Doctor: No, your the carrier

    wilko1999
    Member

    Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot

    Whats brown and sticky?
    A stick

    Muke
    Member

    Knock Knock…….

    Doorbell repairman

    What do you call a fat computer?

    A Dell.

    rogg
    Member

    What’s green and smells like yellow paint?
    Green paint.

    I bought a dog from the local blacksmith.
    As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

    You’ve been a lovely crowd, don’t forget your coats….

    A colleague of mine came out with this the other day:

    Did you know that the people of Dubai don’t like the Flintones? But Abu Dhabi do.

    I’m afraid to say – I laughed.

    Any more awful ones?

    Premier Icon kayak23
    Subscriber

    An English Cat and a French cat are always trying to beat each other.
    The English cat is called ‘one two three’, and the French cat is called ‘Un Deux Trois’

    They decide to have a race to see who is first to swim the channel..
    Anyway, the one two three cat won because the Un Deux Trois Cat sank…

    Premier Icon kayak23
    Subscriber

    What do you call a fish without any eyes?
    A Fsshhh..

    (Works better with sound…)

    fasthaggis
    Member

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
    Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
    The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
    Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
    The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bar stewards.”
    They don’t have any other levels.
    This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
    The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
    The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
    Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

    The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”
    They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.”
    Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.”
    So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

    A final thought – “Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”…

    DrRSwank
    Member

    Why did the baker have brown hands?

    Becuase he needed a pooh…..

    Premier Icon kayak23
    Subscriber

    What do you call a dog wearing a bomb belt?

    A Terrierist…

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