What’s the difference between a woman and a w@nk?

Mmm…maybe not that one.

Oh dear, that one works better with “egg” instead of woman.

What is the bare minimum?
1 Bear.
RM.

I walked into the doctors last week and said “doc, my knobs turned bright orange”.
“Don’t be ridicules” he said “there is no such condition”.

So I showed it to him, “Good gracious” said he “I have been practising for over 40 years and have never seen anything like it”.
“What do you do for a living, work in a nuclear facility, a chemical plant maybe, or even a paint factory”.

“Funny you should mention work actually doc” Said I “as I was recently made redundant, now I mostly spend my afternoons watching porn and eating wotsits”.

Has she cheered up yet then?

I asked my mate Mario last week where about in Italy he came from.
He said,

I come from such a small village you would never have heard of it.
I come from such a small village I did all the building work for everyone in the village, but was I known as Mario the builder, No.

I come from such a small village I did all the gardening for everyone in the village, but was I known as Mario the gardener, No.

I come from such a small village there was only one bus, and I drove that bus, but was I known as Mario the bus driver, No.

But you shagga one sheep!

Has she cheered up yet then?

I dunno, but I have !
Brilliant people, thanks
😀

Planet X

I had a joke about Sodium, but then again… Na.

Shakespeare walks into a pub.
The barman says “get out, ya bard”.

Here ’til Wednesday, try the fish, don’t forget to tip your waitress!

was looking for something to do with the kids during the summer holidays so I took them to a zoo.. It only had 1 dog in it…
It was a Shih Tzu…

What’s the hardest thing about smelling mothballs?

Getting their little legs apart…

Whaddayacall a gun with 3 barrels ?

A Trifle

My sons favourite joke, sorry

Sergeant major: ” jones, I did not see you in camouflage training this afternoon “.
Jones: “thank you sir”.

A freind of mine was recently hospitalised with a Hoover pipe stuck up his bum.

I rang up yesterday to see how he was and the nurse said he was picking up well.

A woman and a man walk into a bar.

The barman says “Why the long face?”

The woman replies. “Because he has to ask on a cycle forum how to have a conversation”

From yesterday s R4 early morning farming programme:

Did you hear about the farmer who won a Nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

Thankyouverymuch……

You say: What’s the difference between a blow job and a chicken drumstick?

She says: i don’t know

You say: Fancy a picnic?

Man walks into a bar

As he passes the fag machine it says “you’re fxxkin ugly and i’ve been screwing your wife”

When he gets to the bar the peanuts say – “that’s a lovely suit and you’ve got really nice hair”

Barman tells him the fag machines out of order and the peanuts are complimentary.

Badooom – tish

Whaddayacall a gun with 3 barrels ?

A Trifle

My sons favourite joke, sorry

It’s now mine too. Thanks for that, buy your son a beer / ice cream as appropriate.

5.) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

I’ve changed my mind. That is brilliant.

20.) What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

The B doesn’t stand for anything, he made it up to sound interesting. So, theoretically, this joke could very well be true.

Teacher says to a pupil “give me a sentance with the word “contagious” in it”

Pupil thinks for a moment then says ” i was out shopping with my grandad the other day, when a lady dropped her bag of apples. My grandad said “it will take that c*nt ages to pick that lot up”

Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual?

He came out then he went back in again.

What’s the difference between oral and anal?

One can make your whole day but the other makes your whole week.

I’ve recently started playing the triangle for my local reggae band .

I just stand at the back and ting 🙂

On and on….

Thanks, I’m here all night.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

Guaranteed blowjob.
or C: All of the above.

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

Oh and what about a very funny video?

[video]http://youtu.be/Vh8l0x9uF-Y[/video]

14.) The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

The bus stop remark in itself isn’t ironic, which demonstrates that s/he doesn’t understand what irony means (thus making the remark ironic*).

*if you’re a Canadian singer….

If anyone has any fish jokes, let minnow….

How do you make a bull sweat?

Give it a tight jersey.

Bloke goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, I’d like you to have a look at my penis.”
She puts on a pair of gloves and gives it a thorough examination. After a few minutes she looks up and says
“I can’t see anything wrong with it.”
“I know” said the man “It’s **** magnificent isn’t it!”

TOMMY COOPER JOKES
1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’
‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘
‘Is it common?’
‘It’s not unusual….’

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s really heavy.’

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Don’t you start.’

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’
I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it!’

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bastard!’

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’
The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore.’

23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

…and for those who’ll be voting no…..

Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered, “If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy.”

“Incorrect”, said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, “That would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand, “If a school bus kerryin’ fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a’body inside, that wid be a
tragedy”

‘I’m afraid not’, explained Alex, “that’s what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: “If a plane kerryin’ you and thon Sturgeon wummin wiz struck by a ‘freendly fire’ missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Alex, “and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Weel”, says the lad, “it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either! ”

A man takes his goldfish to a vet, “I think my fish has epilepsy…”
“He looks fine to me” says the vet…
The man replies “wait til I take him out of the bowl…”

TOMMY COOPER TIM VINE JOKES

FTFY.