• This topic has 71 replies, 49 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by bakey.
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  • Pushing kids at sport – I have a dilemma…
  • chakaping
    Free Member

    Your daughter is approaching the age when many girls are lost to sport entirely. If there is a sport she is passionate about support her in that, just be glad she is still keen on any sport.

    Yes, I bet many parents would be very envious of your dilemma. Don’t mess it up.

    fasthaggis
    Full Member

    We aren’t really pushy parents, but we feel that if we let her stop now we’d have failed her in some small way.

    and that’s how it starts.
    Give her all your support in the gymnastics and enjoy sharing the ups and downs with her.Maybe help out at some events and get to know the gymnastics crowd.

    sweepy
    Free Member

    Give her all your support in the gymnastics and enjoy sharing the ups and downs

    You’re thinking of trampolining

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    inigomontoya
    Free Member

    The four months are going to be very intense, tough pregrading sessions, a lot of pressure. Sounds like you need to discuss this with her instructor, perhaps postpone the grading so she can enjoy just training. From what I have seen, the training and pressure up to 1st kup is very different to what she is now experiencing.

    spawnofyorkshire
    Full Member

    my parents didn’t push me at all when I was younger and I have plenty of regrets now. I wasn’t mature enough to make the right decisions myself (I was basically a bit lazy) and I really needed parents to nag me a bit more. I had some brilliant opportunities that I let pass me by and I could have done with a parent who would make the decision for me in my best long term interests.

    This was me ^

    Parents were both county level at sport (dad at multiple sports) and they never really encouraged us so i ended up fat and lazy. Only now as an adult do i push myself and i’ve found there is some latent ability in there (especially now i’ve shifted the chub).

    It’s a difficult one with teenage girls, i’ve coached hockey for years and you can get a really good player just up and disappear on you with no warning. The enjoyment side of the sport she’s doing is absolutely the most important thing. And have you seen gymnasts and what they can do? There are much worse sports out there for her

    gypsumfantastic
    Free Member

    This x 1000.

    The way I see it is life is a buffet table, how will she know what she really likes until she tries everything? Right now she really likes the sausage rolls but the pickled onions on sticks might blow her mind, she’ll never know how they compare until she tries both. You are the custodian of buffet table and your job is to show her the pickled onions (or some sh*t like that :D)

    Also this, make sure she’s thinking straight and making the decision for the right reason. Arm her with some facts, be there to support her and let her decide.

    As an aside in my experience sport stopped being fun when it got too serious. I enjoyed cricket and basketball at school as it was a bunch of mates spending time running around and having a laugh. In 6th form it all got too serious belicose jobsworths on and off the court ruined it, so I got a mountain bike and look where that landed me!

    All the best with whatever she decides, I’m sure she’ll be fine.

    thisisnotaspoon
    Free Member

    Saw this this morning, barely on topic but “you’ve done this much, you may as well carry on” isn’t always the right thing, just like making a cup of tea.

    [video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zXju34Uwuys[/video]

    As for sport, the number of kids who drop out of sailing in their late teens is enormous, there’s seemingly barely anyone in the sport at a grass roots level in their 20’s. OK it’s not the cheapest sport at the sharp end when your trying to save for a house, run a car and have a life all on a starting salary, but I think a lot of it is parent’s (and the coaching setup) just stop it being fun. The ones who stick with it are usually the ones who’ve always sailed crap boats to mid-fleet results for the fun of it, or went straight into coaching rather than those who’s parents threw time/money at it.

    cheekymonkey888
    Free Member

    why not carry on with both.. after all its only 4 months out of 12years. Make a deal, at the end of 4months after the grading she can make the decision herself. You save the cash and time and she gets to do more gymnastics if thats what she wants. There is a level of pushiness up until they realise they can make the decisions and take the consequences.

    2tyred
    Full Member

    Some great stuff on this thread, sweepy!

    So many girls are lost to sport in their teenage years, never to return. It doesn’t take much to create some negative associations and from what you’ve described OP, there’s a big danger of this in your situation, however well-intentioned your approach is.

    Good luck with it – your attentiveness, care and support can be a huge positive influence with what sounds like a sport your daughter really wants to do.

    TurnerGuy
    Free Member

    It’s the giving up and the potential regrets bit that’s key.

    Another 4 months of commitment and hopefully that’s over and she has achieved something.

    It is doubtful that she will ever look back and regret getting the black belt, but chances are reasonable that she could regret not making the commitment to get it – could be the start of a life of underachieving and giving up on stuff.

    Also might not be, but why take the risk as establish the beginning of a potential pattern?

    the-muffin-man
    Full Member

    You’re thinking of trampolining

    She does this as well (seriously!). Just once a week to help with gymnastics.

    Thanks all – all comments taken on board, we may need to let this one go. And thanks for this sweepy…

    Your daughter is approaching the age when many girls are lost to sport entirely. If there is a sport she is passionate about support her in that, just be glad she is still keen on any sport.

    …we should be positive. I’ll talk it over with the missus tonight and show her this thread.

    thehustler
    Free Member

    At 12 going on 13 she should be allowed to do the sports she wants to, IMHO a child ‘black belt’ is not a real black belt, for me attaining dan grade was the start of learning a martial art, up until dan you are taught how to do do a technique or a pattern of techniques, after dan the real enjoyment/ science of the art is adapting those patterns/ techniques to your own style, this is the ‘mastery’ of the art not just learning a few words and coriagraphed movements.

    growinglad
    Free Member

    Haven’t read any of the previous comments, but this has reminded me of something.

    When I was at school, one of the lads got his black belt (karate I think). Even then I realised his father was a pushy over bearing type.

    Skip forward 30 odd years, I saw a picture of him (the son) on facebook a while back….he is huge…..and I don’t mean in a good way. Obese!

    So what relevance that has on your situation…not much I suppose.

    If you daughter is still into something sporty and positive, I think you should back her up….She’s still achieved a great deal….Be thankful it wasn’t horse riding and you’ve just bought her a horse 😉

    ferrals
    Free Member

    Tricky one, have no kids so can’t comment on that side. However, like franksinatra, I wish I’d been pushed a bit harder as a teenager at sport. I’m pretty much rubbish at all sports, but I’ve always had decent stamina and was pretty naturally good at xc mtb. Raced youth cat well without too much effort, not quite podiuming but not far off (and this was mid nineties so 50-70 even in youth), went up to first year junior got thrashed by 18 ear olds for a few races and stopped racing, just rode dirt jumps and then stopped riding completely when i went to uni.
    I’ve regretted not being pushed by my folks a bit to train and keep racing for a long time.
    But then again, its that regret thats fueled me to keep training hard since I started riding again a couple of years ago.

    breatheeasy
    Free Member

    Don’t suppose she has friends in the sport that have just dropped out does she?

    I was high county level/near national squad level in my youth but it got pretty hard when a couple of pals dropped out. Lost a bit of motivation and ditched myself, though to be fair a lot of that came with uni/job/beers/girls.

    wanmankylung
    Free Member

    The effort for the black belt grading is not simply a continuation of what has gone before, it’s usually at least a doubling of training time and being pushed a hell of a lot harder during those sessions. I have a question – does your daughter compete quite successfully at the level which she is at? If so, is she apprehensive about going from being successful in her current category to potentially being thumped by higher grades?

    Northwind
    Full Member

    Not a parent, but, if she’s got a passion for one thing it’s bound to overrule others, do you want to distract from her main interest? It’s not like she wants to sit at home and play Fallout. You can say “It’s good to stick at it” but if you make her, she’s not sticking at it really. And it all seems pretty arbitrary, not to mention maybe undermining her previous achievements if you make it all about the black belt.

    Junkyard – lazarus

    2) she is so close its pointless not to

    Remember what it’s like being 13? 4 months is a pretty decent chunk of her conscious life to date. It probably won’t feel close for her.

    nemesis
    Free Member

    I did a different sport to a pretty high level from the age of 13 to early 30s, most of that, training 6+ days a week and largely living my life around training and racing.

    In the earlier years, I raced several other kids who were being pushed by their parents, shouted at when we beat them, etc. I always thought that was pretty awful. luckily none of my team had parents like that.

    I did it because I wanted to. No pressure from my parents other than a general attitude of aiming high but if I’d wanted to stop they certainly wouldn’t have questioned that decision beyond maybe checking that it wasn’t a whim.

    People I know who were pushed as kids tend not to be that happy IME. They may well be ‘successful’ be it in high flying jobs, achieving sporting results or whatever but that doesn’t link to being happy.

    I guess it really comes down to individual views on what’s important. I know people who would consider wasting talent or ‘under-achieving’ to be unforgivable (applied to themselves or their kids) while others, including me, feel more that being happy is more important than outward success, even if they’re typically of the high performing mindset.

    I’m very conscious with my kids that I want them to do sports because I think it’s a good thing for body and mind but really the motivation has to come from them. If they’re happy bumbling along, not training much or achieving what they could then so be it so long as they’re doing it and enjoying it. I think I naturally have to bite my tongue to avoid putting pressure to perform on them given my own mindset and I’m very aware of that so hopefully I avoid the pushy parent trap.

    To the OP, let her do what she wants – she’ll come back to do the black belt later if she wants.

    IdleJon
    Full Member

    Seen a few pushy parents in climbing and cycling,it never ends well.

    At Battle on the Beach this year I was chasing around the kids course cheering my 8 yr old on. I was a little disturbed to see another father on the course itself bellowing at his daughter. Things like “Who told you to freewheel. Start pedalling..” and so on. Properly bellowing. The poor child looked really unhappy.

    Remember what it’s like being 13? 4 months is a pretty decent chunk of her conscious life to date. It probably won’t feel close for her.

    I was thinking that, as well.

    ghostlymachine
    Free Member

    Had this at a cross race i was organising a few years ago, three or four marshalls commented, so he was taken to one side it was explained very clearly to him that behaviour like that wouldn’t be tolerated. He got an earful from his wife too, never done it since. His son still rides, lots.

    andyfla
    Free Member

    why not carry on with both.. after all its only 4 months out of 12years. Make a deal, at the end of 4months after the grading she can make the decision herself

    I would be tempted to try going with this myself – she can make the decision and I think she will prob regret you not pushing her in a few years.

    I have found with my kids (younger admitedly) they have dips and troughs of interest- what is brilliant one week isnt the next, they need encouraging through them sometime

    We are much softer that our parents generation on our kids – mostly it is for the best but sometimes …..

    wanmankylung
    Free Member

    I have a question: If you suggested delaying the grading for say 6 months or a year would your daughter continue with TKD?

    the-muffin-man
    Full Member

    Well we’re 5 months down the line from the start of this thread and last night she picked up her Black Belt in Tae Kwon Do!

    We went down to Bristol at the weekend for the grading assessment and her and fellow club mate passed with flying colours.

    Down to her now if she carries on, but she seems to have renewed enthusiasm for it and hasn’t mentioned stopping at all.

    Sometimes kids do need a bit of a push!

    RobHilton
    Free Member

    Nice one muffin-daughter!

    Coyote
    Free Member

    Congratulations to her!

    Really glad this worked out for you all.

    perchypanther
    Free Member

    Sometimes kids do need a bit of a push!

    I wouldn’t push her. She could probably give you a good hiding now. 😉

    shooterman
    Full Member

    Well done to your daughter Muffin Man!

    Similar situation here. 11 year old son is showing promise at soccer but needs to work on speed and agility to play midefield.

    There was an interesting prgramme on Radio 4 recently where they interviewed the parents of successful sports people. Common theme was facilitate and don’t nag. The child has to want to do it themselves.

    epicyclo
    Full Member

    Good result.

    However, speaking as a parent of grown up children, you got it wrong.

    If you had followed the other course, you would have got it wrong as well of course.

    In 15 years time expect the following conversation “You shouldn’t have made me do ….”
    And if you hadn’t, “You should have made me do…”

    There’s no winning for a parent. 🙂

    yamyamblade
    Free Member

    Had similar situation with my lad so I remember this thread, he’s in his 3rd season at a football academy so U11’s.

    Every season around Jan/Feb he has a slump in his enthusiasm and starts with I’m not enjoying anymore , were not playing well as a team , so and so is so greedy and doesn’t pass. I always say to him I will never force you to go so you make your choice but remember last season and the season before we get to March and the team gel and good performances come oh and don’t think that means if you stop it’s night after night of XBOX..

    Academy football is very much about the development of each player not the team so results are not important but try telling that to the lads, parents are very much in the back ground so unlike grassroots with coaching and shouting on the side-lines is a strict no no.

    Anyway he’s got through his mid season slump and playing great at the moment and they beat their nearest rivals 4 0 at the weekend so I suppose my post is backing up what OP has stated and for all we can encourage our kids they have to want to do it but a little nudge is also acceptable.

    ekul
    Free Member

    Every season around Jan/Feb he has a slump in his enthusiasm and starts with I’m not enjoying anymore

    Probably something to do with the weather as well. I know from my experiences that playing in the cold on various muddy pitches from November to February used to drain my enthusiasm for footy and rugby. Used to love the start of the season and the end of the season! Played summer league and loved every minute. Just as well I spend most of the worst months injured haha.

    I am most definitely a fair weather sportsman.

    yamyamblade
    Free Member

    Ekul – Firmly believe weather has a big part to play in it as well, his Granddad suffers from winter blues as they say and he has a lot of his traits in his character.

    The one thing he doesn’t suffer from though is muddy pitches as the facilities are first class with sand based grass pitches and if really bad either outdoor 4G pitch or an indoor one so he hasn’t played on a pitch with a puddle or a divot in 4 years.

    I make sure he keeps grounded by taking him down the local park to see what proper football is about!!

    bakey
    Full Member

    We had the precise issue. My eldest son fell out of love with TKD a few months before his final black belt grading (he was 13). We encouraged him to stick at it, but not force him to do so.

    He decided to stick with it, although you could see his heart was not in it. He did however pass well and once a black belt, always a black belt. I’m sure he’ll look back in later years and be glad that he did. He’s given it up fully now and is concentrating on rugby.

    I stopped at 2nd Kup…

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