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  • Pushing kids at sport – I have a dilemma…
  • the-muffin-man
    Full Member

    …my daughter is about 4 months or so away from going for her black belt in Tae Kwon Do, but she’s really not enjoying it anymore. She also does gymnastics and her heart is in that, she practices all the time and it’s all she talks about.

    The missus and me feel she should stick with the TKD until she gets her black belt. She’s put so much work in over the years it seems a shame to pack it in so close, but I feel we may be flogging a dead horse.

    So push and have arguments or let it go!?

    wanmankylung
    Free Member

    Going for a black belt at tae kwon do is very hard work. The motivation for that hard work needs to come from her. If she doesn’t want to do it dont force her.

    sweepy
    Free Member

    Is there any reason she can’t go back to it later? assuming she hasn’t been made to hate it by being pressured into it now.

    Stainypants
    Full Member

    I’d let it go, especially if she’s passionate another sport. What’s the point if she’s going to pack it in straight after getting the belt. I won’t mean anything to her in the long run.

    I took my son for ages to football and he was into it I pulled him out when stated been disruptive. But a few years on he loves football and I’m ready to take him back now.

    the-muffin-man
    Full Member

    Is there any reason she can’t go back to it later?

    From what I understand, once you get black belt, you are always a black belt. If she packed in now and wanted to go back to it she’d have to start at a much lower grade depending on instructors opinion.

    wanmankylung
    Free Member

    From what I understand, once you get black belt, you are always a black belt. If she packed in now and wanted to go back to it she’d have to start at a much lower grade depending on instructors opinion.

    Nah – she keeps the belt she’s at. She might want to regrade at her current belt, but there’s no way she should be made to go down a few belts.

    sweepy
    Free Member

    That sounds like a no, it would slow her progress but that’s all. If you pressure her to do it she might hate it forever.
    And you dont get that far without being keen, she is probably frustrated that her progress in a sport she is passionate about is being held back, you don’t say how old she is but 4 months can seem like an age to a youngster.

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    I understand the dilemma, but if she gets her black belt and then stops, she will only be a Black belt in name only. If she went back two years later the blue belts would kick her butt.

    Iirc she’s about 12 same age as my lad? I’d let her follow her heart. She can go back to TKD if she wants.

    Facing a similar problem with a gymnastic obsessed daughter wanting to quit swimming lessons.

    sweepy
    Free Member

    What have you lot got against gymnastics 🙂

    the-muffin-man
    Full Member

    She’s 13 in December.

    Junkyard
    Free Member

    I would make her as

    1) she has worked a long time to get there and most dont make it – teaches we complete what we started

    2) she is so close its pointless not to it its not like she is 2 years off

    YMMV

    smatkins1
    Free Member

    The training leading up to a black belt grading can be very intensive. There is probably a lesson for her to learn from seeing this one through and feeling the reward of working hard and achieving something.

    Although if she’s really not enjoying it though obviously don’t insist she continues. It’s not exactly a bad trade, TKD for gymnastics.

    Whathaveisaidnow
    Free Member

    children are notoriously poor decision makers

    hora
    Free Member

    Evening. I stopped at brown belt (not TWD).

    I just got to the point where I was enjoying other stuff more. It happens, why push? She may comeback to it but any negative memories will block that. My sons drifted into football but yearns to go back to bmx. It’s my job to keep him happy and engaged not push.

    wanmankylung
    Free Member

    People children are notoriously poor decision makers

    FTFY

    fourbanger
    Free Member

    Push her to be a black belt for what reason? What will she get out of being forced to pursue a pastime that she doesn’t enjoy? It’s not like she’s dropping all sport to be a moody teen.
    I enjoyed rugby and so did my dad. I played from under 8’s up to county rugby at u16. All I really wanted to do from age of 5 was ride my bike. Rugby stopped after my county season and I’ve not played since. My dad always says it was a shame I stopped playing. Still ride my bike, still love it, still my passion.

    Kryton57
    Full Member

    Pretty much every successful sports person enjoys what they do. Some don’t start as early as your daughter and are still successful.

    Take from that what you will.

    CaptainFlashheart
    Free Member

    Pretty much every successful sports person enjoys what they do.

    What if their heart isn’t in it? Perhaps they take up another sport, hoping for fame, glory and money, only to find that they’re not really very good at it. Then, they scurry off back to their original sport, even if it is a minority one no one cares about.

    😉

    OP – If she’s not enjoying the TKD, at this age if you were to push her, it may manifest in other problems. I’d say, encourage her to do what she wants to do, what she feels is best for her. Don’t downplay the TKD, though, play on the positives of the gymnastics. Perhaps you’ll get her to enjoy both. I suppose my key thought here is, if you push even slightly, it’ll come back and bite you!

    shermer75
    Free Member

    If she completes her black belt then she’ll never experience the hollow despair of defeat. What kind of childhood is that?!?

    Kryton57
    Full Member

    CaptainFlashheart – Member
    What if their heart isn’t in it? Perhaps they take up another sport, hoping for fame, glory and money, only to find that they’re not really very good at it. Then, they scurry off back to their original sport, even if it is a minority one no one cares about.

    I reckon someone who displays the characteristic to which you refer was probably a bit naff at the “another sport” at that point in time. Oh and 😉

    If she completes her black belt then she’ll never experience the hollow despair of defeat. What kind of childhood is that?!?

    Eh? Having a black belt doesn’t make her unbeatable for the rest of her life.

    twonks
    Full Member

    We had a similar dilema with out youngest over football.

    She played at the highest level a schoolkid can and a few of the coaches said the England team would be an achievable goal.

    After 4 seasons she got into the U17s then decided she didn’t like football any more. Just like that gave it all in.

    I had a chat to make sure she was thinking straight but didn’t push it.

    It was dropped and she went on with her life just without football.

    14 months later she decided she wanted another go and now plays for a senior womens team but not at the same level. However she is enjoying it immensly and quite probably could get to a high level if she wanted to – but she doesn’t.

    Oddly enough my wife got to a 2nd dan at TKD (or something equivalent) when she was in her teens. She gave it up as she stopped enjoying it. At 35 she joined a local club with me and the girls to see if we all liked it. Within 2 sessions she had her form and speed back and made the instructors question how she had learned some of the form.

    We didn’t stick with it as there wasn’t much passion to go but it proved that things are not forgotten.

    convert
    Full Member

    In a boring personal statement for UCAS application kind of way I’d encourage preserving and getting the black if it’s achievable without a massive hissy fit (if she plans to go to uni). They love that shit (and music tops grades), but are singularly unimpressed by folk bothering to mention anything but the top grade available(I know it isn’t actually the top available, but the the first grade to impress an ignorant admissions officer). It’s an all or nothing kind of mentality.

    Yes, being able to throw people around in your pyjamas has absolutely nothing to do with writing a good History dissertation and yes it’s a crap reason to persevere with a sport but in the real world it might make the difference.

    brooess
    Free Member

    Have a chat with her coach? (I assume she has one?) They must have seen stuff like that?

    I wonder if it’s a fear of failure thing – give up rather than try and fail? Obviously I don’t know her so it’s not supposed to come across as judgemental, but sometimes people do prefer to quit than fail. As a few others have said, the learning she gets from working hard to a goal and achieving will stand her in good stead as an adult – so long as it’s done because she wants to.

    My career has been an utter mess but I keep going because I remember how it felt to win running races at school – and I still want that feeling of success. Without that early learning of perseverance, hard work and feeling of success I think my life would be a real mess right now -I’d have quit.

    Superficial
    Free Member

    if I could get a black belt in 4 months I’d love to. Clearly from my starting point it’d take years. Anyway, when she’s older, being able to call herself black belt will be pretty cool. Brown belt (is that the next one down?) is nowhere near as impressive.

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    OP, talk to your daughter and ask her what her thoughts are, why she wishes to stop now. IME she is at an age where;

    1) she wants to make her own decisions
    2) she wants to express indendence, I’d do the opposite of what her parents say potentially especially her mother
    3) she realises TKD isn’t a “girls sport”, ie the cool girls who get the boys don’t do martial arts

    In my view we should expose our kids to as many opportunities as possible. You are right to point out how close she is to something special and to see something through till completion but equally of she doesn’t care about the sport why force her to go through it ? Also what impact will this have on her school work and also potentially her relationship with you ?

    Good luck, you’re the parents do what you think is right

    TurnerGuy
    Free Member

    Pretty much every successful sports person enjoys what they do

    I think you could pull a long list of tennis players out that would counter that – they were pressured into it by their parents.

    TurnerGuy
    Free Member

    Show her this gif from the gifs thread :

    the-muffin-man
    Full Member

    Thanks all – we’ll try and talk. We still want her to reach her target, and I’ll admit there’s an element of me not wanting her to do what I did as a kid and packing in when it got tough.

    She’s gone all ‘Kevin and Perry’ on us, so conversations are usually met with grunts and you don’t understands! 😀

    She say’s she can’t do the theory (learning the Korean meanings for everything), but she hasn’t got a question wrong since her 1st grading. So we know she can do it, and do it well.

    Brown belt (is that the next one down?) is nowhere near as impressive.

    She does TAGB (ITF – the proper Tae Kwon Do 😉 ), so she’s black stripe at the minute…

    crankboy
    Free Member

    Problem solved she puts tae kwon do on her ucca form and says she attained the level of 1st kup only a geek would spot that isn’t the top level.

    franksinatra
    Full Member

    I would never push anyone who is that good at a martial art, not going to end well for you if she does one of those karate kid flying kicks to you face.

    sweepy
    Free Member

    We still want her to reach her target

    There is the crux of the matter, its not her target any more, its yours.

    mogrim
    Full Member

    What’s wrong with gymnastics? My daughter is completely obsessed with it, and jacked in ballet for it. As long as she’s doing a healthy activity in a good environment I’m happy with it. It’s a sport and at that age it should be fun.

    franksinatra
    Full Member

    my parents didn’t push me at all when I was younger and I have plenty of regrets now. I wasn’t mature enough to make the right decisions myself (I was basically a bit lazy) and I really needed parents to nag me a bit more. I had some brilliant opportunities that I let pass me by and I could have done with a parent who would make the decision for me in my best long term interests.

    So far, and so close, I would do everything possible to encourage your daughter to achieve her black belt. She will thank you for it in the long run.

    ghostlymachine
    Free Member

    I’m guessing you don’t know a huge number of successful sports persons?

    rocketman
    Free Member

    Let it go

    Have been through the same thing with ours swimming cricket xc running martial arts gymnastics dance scouts whatever

    Your adult mentality wants to see things through to a conclusion but ime kids aren’t like that they just want to experience stuff.

    fasthaggis
    Full Member

    She also does gymnastics and her heart is in that, she practices all the time and it’s all she talks about.

    Answer in your first post.

    Seen a few pushy parents in climbing and cycling,it never ends well.
    As sweepy says,it’s not her goal anymore.

    the-muffin-man
    Full Member

    What’s wrong with gymnastics?

    Nothing, nothing at all. She can do it as much as she wants (in four months time!).

    We aren’t really pushy parents, but we feel that if we let her stop now we’d have failed her in some small way.

    jimjam
    Free Member

    I would have to throw it back to the OP and first ask what does your daughter achieving a black belt in TKD mean to you? and why? Is this colouring your assessment of the situation? If she was giving up Hockey in favour of Soccer would you feel the same way?

    With regards to your daughter does she like to compete? does she seem like she might like combat? Could she go forward and win titles? Is she potentially a future Olympian? (an incredible but financially useless achievement) Could she diversify, learn a real combatative martial art and become the next Ronda Rousey?

    Unless she has a real prodigious talent for it, which you see her squandering then I’d have to say let it go. Tell her she can do it, you want her to do it and you’ll support her, but if she doesn’t then it’s okay.

    sweepy
    Free Member

    I don’t want to sound like i’m on a crusade or having a go in any way so I hope you take all my input in the spirit it is intended.

    Your daughter is approaching the age when many girls are lost to sport entirely. If there is a sport she is passionate about support her in that, just be glad she is still keen on any sport.

    I spent hours in my youth wandering the streets while my parents thought I was at an activity I no longer enjoyed.

    chakaping
    Free Member

    Let’s do a little thought experiment.

    Would you still feel the same if you weren’t allowed to tell anyone she’d got the black belt afterwards?

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