As above, really.

Why don’t polar bears eat penguins?

Cos they can’t get the wrapper off, boom boom

What’s black and white and red all over?

A nun reading a newspaper.

I think that’s all of them.

Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
Because they´re afraid of Wales.

all Penguins are Welsh

Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
Because they´re afraid of Wales.

Lovely. In the same vein…

Who is a Penguin´s favourite singer?
Seal.

A woman walks up to a handsome man in a nightclub and shouts: ‘Fat penguin!’
‘Pardon?’ he says, looking bemused.
‘Sorry,’ she replies. ‘I was just trying to think of something that would break the ice.’

Plenty more on sickipedia…

What’s red white a black all over.
A lift full of penguins that just fell 18 storeys.

Why are penguins good race drivers?

Because they’re always in the pole position.

A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks down. Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic. So,he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him that it will probably take a little while to find the problem and asks him to come back in an hour.

The penguin goes over to the supermarket, buys some fish sticks and vanilla ice cream, and spends the rest of the hour hanging out in the frozen section. After the hour is up, he waddles over to the mechanic’s shop.

Seeing him come in, the mechanic walks over, and wiping his hands on a rag, says, ‘Looks like you’ve blown a seal.’

The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, ‘No, it’s just vanilla ice cream.’

Stoner, see also “frost on my moustache”

Good* so far, keep ’em coming!

*In terms of quantity at least! 🙂

How do penguins get around London? By Boris Icicle!

edit….. stoner beat me to it.

Damn…

What do you call a pengiun with deja vu?

‘No, it’s just vanilla ice cream.’

PMSL 😆 😆

Brilliant that one.

Snow White and the 7 dwarves go the Vatican, they stand in the main square listening to the Pope give mass, when all of a sudden Dopey pipes up and shouts:

“Excuse me your holiness, can you answer me a question? Are there any midget nuns in the Vatican?”

To which the Pope, slightly surprised, says “no my son, there is not”.

The Pope continues giving mass and blessing the thousands, and all of a sudden Dopey shouts again.

“Your Popeliness, are there any midget nuns in the whole of Europe?”

Again slightly taken aback, the Pope replies “no my son, as far as I am aware there are no midget nuns in Europe”

The Pope goes back to his sermon, and after another 10 minutes am agitated Dopey shouts again “Your Holiness, are there any midget nuns in the whole world”??

The Pope by this time is getting hacked off and shouts back at him “NO, I do not know of any midget nuns anywhere!”

To which the other dwarves turn to Dopey and say “We told you, you shagged a penguin!”

A penguin walks into a bar. The barman says, “Nice tuxedo, what’s the occasion?”
“I was supposed to get married,” the penguin responds.
“Well then, what happened?” the barman asks.
“I got cold feet.”

groooaaan.

A penguin walks into a bar. The barman says “why the long face”.

that’s not right

A penguin walks into a bar and says “have you seen my brother”, the barman says “what does he look like?”

groaaaoaaaan

What is black and white and cannot turn around in lifts?

A pengiun with a spear through its head

I’ll adapt one originally about polar bears…

Baby Penguin asks his big sister: “Are you sure I’m a penguin?”
And his sister says: “Yeah. Look, you live on an iceberg and have a black and white coat just like mine”

So Baby Penguin goes to his mum and says “Mum, are you suuure I’m a penguin?”
Mum: “Of course you are silly. Look you have a beak and flippers, you can swim but you can’t fly and you eat fish”

So he goes to his dad: “Dad, are you suuuuuuuure I’m a penguin??”
Dads says: “Of course, why do you ask?”
Baby says “Cos I’m blimmin’ freezing!”

http://www.penguinbiscuits.com/jokes

What’s black and white and red all over?

Penguin in a blender.

This guy runs into a bar and shouts “Quick, how tall is a penguin??”

The bartender looks stunned.

“Well, an empire penguin can be about this tall” he says, gesturing.

“Bugger,” says the guy, “I’ve just ran over a nun!”

Tip Of The Day.

Despite what the advert says, do not try to p-p-p-pick up a penguin.
They’re surprisingly heavy and may bite you.

How do you make a penguin cross?

Nail two together.

I’ve got a good un about a chap visiting a lady of the night, but it’d probably upset the mods and you need to do the actions for the punchline to work.