‘Your face’

Drac called me a troll
Solid burn.

I think

Dunning Kruger 😉

Can you google that for me?

“Would the miniature for sport please stand up please”. Dennis Skinner to Colin Moynihan

Thick as mince.

Crazylegs, it was the Gibraltar ambush involving the SAS and IRA
http://www.csmonitor.com/1988/0927/osas.html

‘cheers, youv’e been a right laugh, shut the door on your way out’

Rodney Marsh: “Hey, Botham. How’s your wife & my kids?”

Botham: “Wife’s fine, thanks, but the kids are retarded”.

“I remember” – Gough Whitlam

He also took aim at Sir Winton Turbull when the rural MP shouted: ‘I am a Country member’. Whitlam quickly responded with ‘I remember’, which earned an applause from both sides of the house

If wit was shit you would die of constipation.

Johnny Gahagan, ex Motherwell FC winger and boyhood hero, now an after dinner speaker, went to see recently appointed manager Jock Wallace. Asking why he couldn’t seem to hold down a regular first team place, he enquired of Mr Wallace “why are you only playing me in the reserves?”
To which the less than sensitive manager replied “because we haven’t got a third team, now f#*k off”.

Spotted on Twitter, regarding Theresa May:

“She’s got the negotiating skills of a crackhead with a broken DVD player in Cash Converters”

Just remember, Jesus loves you…
everyone else thinks your a Cu…

The Churchill ones above: the coffee one is attributed to an exchange with Lady (Nancy) Astor but is believed apocryphal, with no evidence supporting it. The ugly / sober one was an exchange with Bessie Braddock (a Labour MP) and confirmed true by Churchill’s bodyguard. However, it is also often attributed (incorrectly) to Lady Astor.

Favourite was when i went to Frankie Boyle at Hammersmith Apollo, some lad was heckling him and he just responded “I don’t know what the **** your shouting at, you look like they shaved a monkey and threw it through a branch of Top Shop”!

Guy asks a girl in a bar, “Would you sleep with me for £10 Million?”
Girl looks the guy up and down and says, “Yes!”

Guy says, “Would you sleep with me for £5?”
Girl replies, “No! What do you think I am?”

Calmly the guy responds, “Look, we’ve established what you are, now we’re haggling…”

“Got any pistols…”

Idongeddit..

Please explain!

DrP

One told by Warren Mitchell from when he was touring in Australia. About halfway during the show a bloke walks into the theatre and takes his seat somewhere near the front.

“Where the bloody hell have you been? We’re halfway through the show!”

“Ah” says the bloke, “My mate came to watch you last night and said not to bother with the first half as it wasn’t any good”.

My brother was doing lights for some comedian in teh festival, the guy had a big run of jokes about terrorism and “muzzies”. Anyway, halfway through this, a big arab dude stands up and walks out. Comedian says “Can you not take a bit of criticism”, the guy shouts back “No, it’s just I’ve finished setting the fuses so…” and then walks out.

Guy asks a girl in a bar, “Would you sleep with me for £10 Million?”
Girl looks the guy up and down and says, “Yes!”
Guy says, “Would you sleep with me for £5?”
Girl replies, “No! What do you think I am?”
Calmly the guy responds, “Look, we’ve established what you are, now we’re haggling…”

I’ve heard a variation of that that was attributed to Churchill as well.

Not necessarily a put-down of the person in the argument, but a line that killed it.

My Dad had a go at me when I was at school, thought I was ‘falling in with the wrong crowd’ or some such (I wasn’t, but had been partnered with a couple of our class idiots for a project and was being more-or-less forced to hang about with them until the work was done).

Dad: “That Lee lad, he’s a bad ‘un”
Me: “Dad, Lee isn’t **** smart enough to be a bad ‘un. If he had a brain he’d be dangerous, but he hasn’t. I’ve had yoghurts worse than him…”

For once, my smartarse father had no response.

Geoff Boycott ruefully asked a teammate:

“Why do people take an instant dislike to me?”

Teammate:

“Because it saves time”.

I love Stuart Lee talking about Adrian Chiles. Paraphrasing here “that man signed a contract with ITV for six million pounds. When I was younger there was a man called Lee Majors, the six million dollar man. He could outrun a train. Adrian Chiles can’t even out walk the cloud of bitter disappointment that follows him around the corridors of ITV.

“Got any pistols…”

Idongeddit..

Please explain!

DrP

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/nearly-had-fisticuffs-this-morning

Not proud of this one, but it came out of my mouth before I could stop it. Irritating lads at work was partnered up with a significantly younger, prettier and funnier lass, and lass A was complaining about it bitterly.
Lass A “Oh come on, next to ‘X’ I look old, fat and ugly”
Me “Oh come on <redacted>, you’re not old…”
Cue stifled guffaws from the other people present. I felt a bit bad. But she IS annoying…

Favourite was when i went to Frankie Boyle at Hammersmith Apollo, some lad was heckling

I always liked Billy Connelly’s come back to a heckler “Don’t tell me how to do my job. I wouldn’t come into your work and tell you how to sweep the floor.”

Brian Sewell once said of Arthur Negus ‘He was someone who knew very little about an awful lot’.

I don’t know why but I think Arthur would have felt quite at home here.

I’m sorry but I don’t get into arguments with idiots as they tend to drag you down to their level and best you with experience.

‘He was someone who knew very little about an awful lot’.

TBF, that’s ostensibly me.

I always liked Billy Connelly’s come back to a heckler “Don’t tell me how to do my job. I wouldn’t come into your work and tell you how to sweep the floor.”

Jimmy Carr version

“I don’t come to your work and knock the sailors cocks out of your mouth, do I?”

TBF, that’s ostensibly me.

Can you Google that for me as well?

Frankie Boyle describing Boris Johnson as “a cross between a head injury and an unmade bed”.