If I gave you an enema you’d fit in a matchbox

Too Posh to Poo

You can’t spell.

just googled and despite being the mirror there are some hilarious one here for anyone interested

If shit were music, you’d be an orchestra.

Someone said you weren’t fit to **** pigs the other day. I stuck up for you though, and told them you were.

Your girlfriend told me she needed shagging badly. I told her you were the man for the job.

Who spat in your test-tube?

Got any pistols

‘Why are you so fat?’

‘Every time I shag your mum, she give me a biscuit’

Google cricket sledging, there’s some belters in there…

Don’t listen to what everyone else says, I think you’re okay.

If brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your cap off.

You’re uglier than a blind welder’s bench.

Shame we didn’t just leave this after post#2, but since we’re going:

The mighty Dennis Skinner, needed the preceeding context but “OK, half the Tory members aren’t crooks” was magnificent

A mate and his brothers were being introduced by his old mum to long lost American relatives;

‘This is Marcin, he’s a Surgeon, this is David, he’s a headmaster and this, this is Conrad. Doesn’t he have a lovely smile’?

🙂

Who cut you hair? The council?

Two I used in real life as a custody officer, both to pissed up belligerent students

Don’t worry son, I remember my first drink.
and
You do know your hairdresser’s taking the piss, don’t you?

I’d explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9IfvJahZ1o[/video]

Got any pistols

I keep seeing this on here. What is it referring to?

There’s an oft-told story in Ghana — perhaps apocryphal, perhaps not entirely — of Richard Nixon’s visit as vice president in 1957, during the newly born nation’s independence celebrations. Turning to a group of revelers drunk on the emotions of the day, Nixon asked, “How does it feel to be free?”

“We wouldn’t know,” came the reply. “We’re from Alabama.”

That’s one of the best I know.

got any pistols is still my No1!!! 😆

Churchill being spiteful about Clement Attlee:

“A modest little man with much to be modest about”.

And

“An empty car pulled up outside the Houses of Parliament and Attlee got out”.

But then he lost the 1945 election to him, so maybe that was the best put-down of all.

You are one load your mother should of swallowed

You smell and your mother dresses you funny.

Also, the last person to insult me could spell phenomenal, and knew the difference between of and have.

I keep seeing this on here. What is it referring to?

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/nearly-had-fisticuffs-this-morning

Can’t remember who it was, but one of those bluer comedians, Bernard Manning or Chubby Brown or someone. You know the type that picks on you and gives you a hard time if you get out of your seat to go and have a pee or get a drink. A guy gets up and wanders of, comic says something along the lines of” oi where the **** are you going” guy answers back without breaking stride, ” just going to get a drink before the comedian comes on”

“Well stop ******* clapping then”

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.”

Yer Maws got baws and your dad loves it

Overheard in the works canteen.

“No, I don’t want any chips. You don’t get a body like this by eating chips!”
“Yep, it’s going to take a lot of Sausages too.”

Same lad, next time he is trying to loose weight.

“I’m going to have to put a new hole in me belt!”
“Which end?”

In a student house back in the day we had an unpaid lodger on our sofa who showed no intention of leaving and was becoming an increasing PITA as time went on. One day, after about 4-5 months, things came to head so I said to him “Rich, are you going to sort your sh*t out, or are you just going to be a c**t for the rest of your life.”
He moved out the next day

Sgt major pokes pace stick into soldiers chest and says ” there’s a piece of shit on the end of this stick”. Soldier looks at it and replies “nothing my end, sir”

I think this comes from the legendary Don Whillans, whilst trying to push some new routes in the mountains. A group of German climbers, after nabbing the first ascent, said to him “Ha, we have beaten you English at your own game!” to which Whillans flatly replied “We beat you at yours. Twice.”

“Got any pistols”

🙂

A lad I used to work with was a nice bloke but liked a drink and would frequently be off on a Monday after a drunken weekend. One day the manager asked him “why do you only work 4 days a week?”

The reply – “because I can’t live on 3”

i can explain it for you but i can’t understand it for you.
keep up the work.

You’ve got a face like a stuntman’s knee

If you want my come back you’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth

I think this comes from the legendary Don Whillans, whilst trying to push some new routes in the mountains. A group of German climbers, after nabbing the first ascent, said to him “Ha, we have beaten you English at your own game!” to which Whillans flatly replied “We beat you at yours. Twice.”

Close, but I think it was actually on the 1972 International expedition to Everest, after they received the result of a W Germany V England football match “We have beaten you at your national game”…

Some woman to Churchill “You, sir, are drunk”

Churchill supposedly replied ” And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober”

A lad I used to work with was a nice bloke but liked a drink and would frequently be off on a Monday after a drunken weekend. One day the manager asked him “why do you only work 4 days a week?”

The reply – “because I can’t live on 3”

Sort of a related answer…
After the SAS Iranian Embassy siege, allegedly in debriefing one of the soldiers was asked why he’d shot a terrorist 18 times.
He answered “I ran out of bullets, sir”

Another Churchill.

“Sir, if you were my husband I’d put poison in your coffee”

“Madam, if you were my wife I’d drink it”

Or words to that effect.

You sound poor.