Torminalis – Member
Don’t forget, it’s having kids that is selfish
Yet strangely one of the most selfless things you can ever do.

The whole selfish / not selfish thing is a load of old rubbish.

People don’t have kids because they’re worried that the planet is dangerously under populated, they have they because they want to (which I guess you could argue is a selfish desire, but no more that the desire to not have them.)

It’s a miserable, selfish, egocentric existence without them I know I’ve been there.

Why? I don’t understand. I am a Father of a 2yr old. I don’t understand how someone can’t lead a well-meaning life to the community etc without children.

Lets not forget you could father a child and struggle to raise it correctly leading it to be disruptive etc etc.

I don’t get the view above.

Lol the grass is always greener on the other side, don’t for a second believe it 😉

Samurai speaks the truth

In my 20’s I never wanted kids so me and my Partner at the time just got on with enjoying life “to the Max”, In my 30’s I felt the twinge of “should I, shouldn’t I” and my Partner at the time was in the same frame of mind so we tried to start a family, this didn’t work out even though we tried, we split up. Now I’m in my 40’s and I don’t want them anymore, something MrsBouy and I have had many a heated debate about, mostly it’s on my side as to not wanting them and her body clock ticking like a time bomb, but we’re over it for now but who knows in a few years time what will happen.
Ce
La
Vie

Regrets , nope I tried once for 4 years and it didn’t work out and created total mayhem whilst trying to the nasty end result.

Vie
La
Ce

If you don’t want kids, definitely don’t, because you’ll be doing your bit to avoid overpopulation. I’m not, but it’s one of the reasons we’ve stopped at two. We can all safely have two kids and the planet’s population will fall.

I wasn’t sure about kids, but then I thought about what it would be like when I was old and I’d have no-one but my wife to care about or to care about me. Then if she were to die before me, it’s a lonely old way to be.

However having kids now there are expected and unexpected emotional impacts. My kids are fantastic and it’s brilliant to be able to create and develop a couple of good people brought up the way I want, but there’s more to it. When I look at my daughter I see myself looking back, only young, and with a whole lifetime ahead of her. I understand both of them better than I could understand anyone else because they are both part of me. It sounds daft but it’s really true.

only silly little regret is we didn’t do it a few years earlier.

I tend to agree with this a little, but up to being around 35/38 I didn’t think I could cope as a parent – I knew I always would want to but never felt ready)

johndoh – 32. How old was your missus if you don’t mind me asking? I believe potential complications start to get more likely.

It’s a miserable, selfish, egocentric existence without them I know I’ve been there.
If you don’t have kids you will regret it for the rest of your life

Hmmm…. for you maybe. Bit of a huge generalisation there. Seems some people want to have kids to fix what’s wrong with their lives – not sure that’s a good enough motivation personally.

I thought I’d never have kids – my gf thought the same, neither of us were at all interested in kids, and we had too much fun going off on snowboarding holidays and the like.

I don’t know here it went wrong, but we now have one.

I don’t regret it for a moment – but it is a life-changing decision, one of the few decisions you will make that will be with you for ever.

But don’t let biology rush you into it – you can always adopt later. My aunt never had children of her own, but adopted an 8-year-old girl from a troubled background. That girl now has a family of her own, and my aunt is much more her mother and a grandmother than any biological parent was.

Yes and no.

My Mrs did not want children and I was ambivalent. She had her own reasons, while I never felt like a responsible enough person, and parenting demands that.

The part of me that wants to parent obviously feels some sense of regret; it’s biological after-all. But we made the most of the freedom afforded by being childless and I don’t regret that.

johndoh – 32. How old was your missus if you don’t mind me asking? I believe potential complications start to get more likely.

I was 42, my wife 33. Complications can arise (and fertility decrease) as people get older but medical knowledge offsets that somewhat.

IMO just get on with it.

Its like giving up smoking – you never really want to but until you do it you always wonder why you never did it before.

Seems some people want to have kids to fix what’s wrong with their lives – not sure that’s a good enough motivation personally.

It’s a really, really bad motivation.

If you don’t have kids you will regret it for the rest of your life

Rubbish.

My missus is the same age. So I guess I can always have a mid life crisis in ten years time and go get some younger woman pregnant. 🙂

Oh, and the money thing. Ignore all that stuff that says that a kid will cost you £250,000 or some rubbish like that – those formulas include stuff like buying them their first car, they’re not realistic.

Ours hasn’t cost all that much – some clothes, but a lot gets donated and bought second-hand (and passed on as soon as it’s grown out of), no expensive pram or pushchair (just a couple of slings), some more food but not all that much.

If you can live reasonably comfortably now, you will do with kids too, just with fewer luxuries.

And to me, lots of the joy comes from really silly little things. Like this morning, playing ‘dens’ in bed and having my girls tell me about an imaginary woman ‘knock’ on the door bringing imaginary food like ‘dragon snot’ and ‘bird feathers’ for them to eat, putting them into fits of giggles.

Equally they can be the most utterly frustrating things when they throw strops because I didn’t help them put their pants on ‘correctly’ or something trivial like that.

“My wife and I have decided we don’t want Children.
Anyone who does can come and get them after the show”
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Stewart Francis
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Never wanted any, never seen the attraction at all, and now my mates have started having them I have seen nothing at all which makes me want to change my mind, even more certain I don’t want them. Kittens, puppies, yes can see me with one of those at some point but never children.

Oh, and the money thing. Ignore all that stuff that says that a kid will cost you £250,000 or some rubbish like that – those formulas include stuff like buying them their first car, they’re not realistic.

Ours hasn’t cost all that much – some clothes, but a lot gets donated and bought second-hand (and passed on as soon as it’s grown out of), no expensive pram or pushchair (just a couple of slings), some more food but not all that much.
They also lead to some short sightedness, forgetting stuff and denial….

Indeed – without kids, you’ll never know the genuine pride as your daughter presents you with the first bogey she’s managed to remove from a nostril by herself…

They also lead to some short sightedness, forgetting stuff and denial….

?

I’m 35, wife’s 31.

Zero plans to ever have kids. In fact my missus absolutely detests them. Getting quite sick of being told we’ll change our minds.

I’m sure it’s great for people that want them but we can see zero point in having them. Nothing missing in our lives that we feel a child would fulfill.

Best thread of 2013 already this.

For me, i never had a desire to have kids. However, i now have one… he’s 5 this year and words can’t be found for what we have. The closest was Molgrips perspective on things. I find myself having regrets daily, about 5.30am with “daddy, can you put my duvet cover back on please”…. but then i get a smile, or a kiss or a hug and truely it’s like nothing else exists on the planet in that moment. It’s all encompasing.

Would i like to do ‘more’…. yes, possibly…without him i could have more trips to the Alps, more trackdays…. but you know what, it’s worth missing them.. it’s worth it just for the first time he does something.
Last week he sang the Alphabet song… all the way through without mistakes… he was SOOOO excited… it made the fact that i wasn’t out MTBing pale into insignificance.

bencooper – Member
They also lead to some short sightedness, forgetting stuff and denial….
?

The bit where people forget/don’t see stuff to do with their own children. The bit where they do buy them their first car and re mortgage to pay for uni and buy lots of expensive toys for no reason at all…

250k sounds about right bit more than a dog/year

oh actually this all depends….
I also don’t want to have kids right now because I am 23 and young and there are many things to do in this life besides being a nurse. BUT…I think that in future time will come when I want to have kids…I think that everybody has its own time when he/ she is ready to have kids.
The problem is that it is not late when you will want to have kids finally. It may be problematic in future…
But you should do as you feel guys:)

Totally personal choice, We didn’t want kids either, no burning desire, Loved our life Skiing, Scuba, Holidays etc. etc.
But, When I was 37 my Farther in law had a stroke and we almost lost him. That really made us both evaluate what was important in life and four years later I have a four year old and one year old girl.

Its bloody hard work, hardest thing i’ve ever done, and your life does totally change, but I love it…not some mornings but yes its great..to see the world through there eyes is so special.

The thing is, you really can’t tell someone who hasnt got kids what it will be like… Best advice is watch this McIntyre video from 5mins onwards….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70XfGDfNq0o

Not wanting kids is fine, but I’m a little bit suspicious of people who actively detest kids, to be honest.

The bit where they do buy them their first car and re mortgage to pay for uni and buy lots of expensive toys for no reason at all…

Not sure any of that is mandatory. Is it?

in the end of the day for those that do it’s like trying to explain that you don’t like nuts etc. Just say you can’t they will get all embarrassed and shuffle on with some sympathy.

some of us just don’t have that thing that you have, we are all normal and we can all have fulfilled lives. We are not all pre programmed the same, we do not need the same things.

I want kids but the problem is finding someone that wants to mix and to store my genes with hers first.

To OP if you ask this question you will regret not having kids in future.

The question of having kids should not coming into your mind if you are a person that does not want kids.

I didn’t want to have any children, mostly because I’m a self-centred arzehole.

But this thread made me think of baby-removed’s happy smile and that made me smile.

Smiles are a rare commodity sometimes. Whatever you end up doing, don’t forget to smile 🙂

i’d be suspicious of anybody who decides on the number of kids to have relative to population growth 😉

kids are cool when you can give them back after you’ve pumped them full of sugar, new swear words and reasons not to listen to their parents. i like my nieces, struggling with the youngest niece as she might turn out ginger.

Not wanting kids is fine, but I’m a little bit suspicious of people who actively detest kids, to be honest.

Depends – I sometimes detest other people’s kids 😉

The bit where people forget/don’t see stuff to do with their own children. The bit where they do buy them their first car and re mortgage to pay for uni and buy lots of expensive toys for no reason at all…

Fair point – and I’m sure ours will get more expensive as she gets older, but I still think a lot of the costs are inflated. You don’t need a £700 “travel system”, you don’t need a £150 high chair, stuff like that.

I wouldn’t take advice off any parent who hasn’t, within the last week, wanted to kill their offspring with their bare hands. As that would indicate that they’re either not in control of their mental faculties, or either themselves or their children are heavily sedated. Probably both.

Its an indictment of how loveable my kids are the majority of the time that they’re still alive 😀

pmsl Binners spot on.

I also have a theory that if parents do not get pretty inebriated on a Wednesday night, they would murder the whole Family by Thursday. This gets reset again on Friday nights.

To OP if you ask this question you will regret not having kids in future.

The question of having kids should not coming into your mind if you are the kind that does not want kids.

I disagree.

It is perfectly possible for someone to really and truly believe that they want to have kids and then regret it once it has happened. Trust me, I know from personal experience. And I think that is a much worse situation to find yourself in than thinking you don’t want kids and then deciding too late that maybe you did. If you’re not totally sure, you shouldn’t do it, because the stakes are far too high and more people will be hurt as a result.

I also have a theory that if parents do not get pretty inebriated on a Wednesday night, they would murder the whole Family by Thursday. This gets reset again on Friday nights.

Haha! So true. I look forward to my Wednesday night glass of wine 🙂

It is perfectly possible for someone to really and truly believe that they want to have kids and then regret it once it has happened. Trust me, I know from personal experience.

Can you elaborate on this? Assuming this is a personal experience, why do you regret having kids?

Nothing missing in our lives that we feel a child would fulfill.

I don’t think people have children just to fill a ‘void’ in their life … 🙄

I sometimes detest other people’s kids

Children are like farts – you don’t mind your own, but you don’t really want to smell anyone elses .. (or something like that)

😀

Similar position a few years back, I’d say sit down with the missus and have a proper discussion about it. You may find if its a ‘green light’ we want kids it actually isn’t as straight forwards as make a decision and it happens. We put it off until we felt we could cope financial and had stable jobs.

Many people I know in their 30’s who are trying for kids have had various issues with either getting pregnant / miscarraiges etc.. We made the decision over 18 months ago that we wanted kids – we are now going through various fertility tests so junior is still at least a year away, probably more, maybe never. Time goes very quick. If you want them get on with it is my advice, avoid the procrastination, wish I had.

You can borrow my two lads for the weekend to try it out, decide then. You won’t want to give them back… honest. 😉

Always confused by those people who either have kids and can’t understand people who don’t want them, or the people who don’t have kids and go out if their way to tell people they don’t want kids.
Have them or don’t have them but everyone is different so just accept that without getting all worked up.
My two have only been threatened with certain death once so far today, think that makes it a good day. 😉