Also frankly having kids cant be much fun so maybe it would be better if the misses had time off.

scu98rkr – it would appear that is the main reason for you reckoning you shouldn't look after your children when you have them – lots of other stuff attempting to justify the point, but that's the fundamental. Can you not do what me an mrs aracer do and both go part-time? I suppose it is still seen as somewhat unusual for a bloke to go part-time to look after kids – I only know one other man who does, and several who are adamant it would damage their careers. I should point out that I'm far from being into babies etc., and would hate to be at home looking after kids full time.

Of course like lots of others on here, our son does go to nursery – 2.5 days a week at the moment. As also pointed out, that's at least partly because it's good for him. As always, he had to be reminded to say goodbye to me when I dropped him off this morning, he's so eager to go and play with his friends at nursery. There's a little boy a few doors down almost exactly the same age who's been looked after at home until very recently, and the difference in social development is huge.

40 post bug fix

yossarian – Member

Lovely, but the mortgage needs paid otherwise we're all spending that quality time outside in the cold.

we changed ours to an interest only for 5 years to lessen the hit and take a couple of months holiday on that each year and spend the money on summer holidays. We'll have more to pay once the kids are in school but we'll be better equiped to pay it.

That strikes me as someone who is living beyond their means. You are hoping that you are better equipped to pay it in the future? What if you arent?

We put ours in nursery so we could sit at home all day smoking joints watching adult orientated movies whilst procreating some more (all 8 kids are 10 months apart in age), with the benefits we got paid we could have spent it on a private education for us both but that would have meant we'd have had to put the kids in care and sooner or later we'd have got done for benefit fraud, instead we found a really cheap childcare company that took tesco clubcard points in px, which means we get to keep an extra £755.43 a week, which just about keeps us in smack.

That strikes me as someone who is living beyond their means. You are hoping that you are better equipped to pay it in the future? What if you arent?

when the boys are both at school my wife will be going back to work. OUr income increases by circa £25k a year, more than enough to cover the increased cost of our mortgage. As I said previously, for us its more important to have time with our boys before they go to school. My wife has loads of friends who have the same outlook and is off out every day to the beach, the woods (all the kids take their bikes and race up and down the trails :-)), play centres, museums, football training, wildlife centres etc etc etc. Our decision was that this is better for us all (yep slightly selfish from our perspective) than paying someone else to look after our kids.

edit – should also say that my eldest (3 year old) has just started at nursery school for 3 mornings a week and doesnt have any issues 'fitting in' or whatever.

Crikey, thats brave. Thats like living life on the buy now pay later schemes.

Crikey, thats brave. Thats like living life on the buy now pay later schemes

i guess you could look at it like that. Who knows what the future holds for any of us? Would rather have spent as much time as poss with the kids before they are off to school and that time is lost forever than paying off a mortgage. We'd pocket around £50k if we sold our house tomorrow so I'm not too worried.

I'm with C-G on this. Watching with interest…..

Paying a stranger to look after your children defeats the purpose of having a family IMO.

That said, I'd not second guess anyone else's choices – because everyone else's priorities are different.

I can see Yossarian's point though, although its not my style. I started working away when my lad was 7 months old and was made redundant when he was nearly three. I've been full time carer for 12 months now and I realise I've missed that time with my lad, and I deeply regret it. Having decent time with him now, before school, is some compensation, but I'll never get his toddler years back. 😥

That said, I'd not second guess anyone else's choices – because everyone else's priorities are different.

should say I agree with that as well, our decision is best for us and our needs. Its an emotive subject and everyone will feel differently.

Paying a stranger to look after your children defeats the purpose of having a family IMO.

What IS the purpose of having a family?

To keep my wife happy of course!
😆

I'm really quite impressed that other than a short burst of handbags, this has been a remarkably reasonable and civil thread.

Obviously it's a ticking timebomb and no doubt some numpty will wade in and break the truce but carry on for now 🙂

(working Dad with wife working too and son in Nursery a significant proportion of the week)

To keep my wife happy of course!

Does my family keep your wife happy?

Does my family keep your wife happy?

No but I do 🙂

(Sorry, you set that up too well to resist!)

I'm really quite impressed that other than a short burst of handbags, this has been a remarkably reasonable and civil thread.

I think its because a. everyone on the thread is confortable with their decision and b. a parent 🙂

8)

Also frankly having kids cant be much fun so maybe it would be better if the misses had time off.

Sorry this sentence came across quite badly I meant being pregnant cant be much fun. I dont really know I've never been pregnant. You might not want to go straight back to work after that but then looking after kids is probably more difficult.

I'm going to see if Nick is taking Lodgers… sounds like he has it sorted!

Paying a stranger to look after your children defeats the purpose of having a family IMO.

Umm – I don't think people are talking about doing it 24 hours a day.. just long enough for you to go to work then come back and spend time…

And I am still waiting for that poster to come back with the definitive description of the purpose of a family. 😉

But I DO know the purpose of having a family isn't to spend my life washing and cleaning reusable nappies 😉

I agree with the OP but only to a point as its a bit blinkered. It is about compromise for us. I have twins who will start daycare nursery in September. We made the choice for my wife to take an extra 6 months unpaid leave after her maternity leave and then for her to go back part time. They will be 21 months when they start.

I think they'll be at Nursery for long hours as you say, probably 8 till 5, 5:30 3 days a week. Whilst the hours are longer than ideal 3 days is a good balance IMO. Also you have to consider that my wife doesn't want to stay at home all day every day with the kids and it will be good for their development to have the social interaction and structure that nursery brings. Of course money is a motivator and my wife doesn't want to loose the benefits that staying at work in a fairly senior position afford her. But there is more to a career than money.

Anyway we are pretty happy with our decision, plus it will mean that I will have the money for the 4 ltr BMW I want!

I went back to work when both my children were 3 months old.
Child-care was shared between MrFC who does shift work, and a child-minder.
Judge me all you like…I really don't care.
Foolishly, I didn't marry a high-earner…how silly of me! 🙄

Surely the reason to have kids is so they can look after you, pay for you and wipe your backside for you when you're old and decrepit.

Alternatively, they might just bung you in the cheapest care home they can find and forget about you.

Hmmm. Some parallels here…?

(FWIW, won't be having kids as both the missus and I hate the little bastards, and we're both too selfish to waste our lives dragging them up when there's bikes to be ridden)

(Oh and my boss was back at work a week after dropping her second sprog and was available on email for all but the day she was in hospital)

..Seems that majority of people here are agreeing that leaving your child all day, every day in a nursery is 'bad' and that you need to be able to strike a balance.. hardly surprising

I personally wouldn't want to be stuck at home all day with children. I could perhaps do it for a year or two but I have other interests – I want to put skills I have learnt to good use in the world of work – I don't want my life to be just about looking after babies!

I say good luck to anybody who chooses to have children – it's very (valuable) hard work and puts me off ever having any myself 🙂

miaowing_kat – Member

………………
I personally wouldn't want to be stuck at home all day with children. I could perhaps do it for a year or two but I have other interests – I want to put skills I have learnt to good use in the world of work – I don't want my life to be just about looking after babies!

This is the bit most of the folk who want full time stay at home parentsforget. A mother / wife who's brain has turned to mush from years of nothing but home and children is not always going to be a happy and fulfilled person. I would be insane if all I had was a house and children to occupy me. Not exactly stimulating.

The kids I know that have turned out best have had a part time stay at home parents and part time nursery. Happy and fulfilled parents appears to be the key thing however and a loving environment.

I find myself agreeing with TJ, so I'm off to open a bottle of scotch and leave the kids in front of the telly……………. 😉

It would be interesting if contributors mentioned whether their parents worked/whether they were put in child care/grandparents' care etc.

Just wondering if your decision re your own children was affected by those circumstances.

My mother always worked – but part time / as a teacher so she was always home when I was. I was in nursery at 9 months ( I think full time)

My Mum stayed at home and brought up 4 children.
I naively presumed that is what I would do(not the 4 kids bit!!). 😯
Didn't work out like that.
Quite glad it didn't really.

Hmmm, the purpose of a family? Not sure there's a definitive answer to that one. I'm sure evolutionary biologists would say its to maximise the survival chances of the young.

Perhaps my choice of words weren't the best. I don't see any point in having children and then farming them off so that you have a limited relationship with them: an in-extremis example would be those boarding schools that take children from the age of four! IMO that can only be damaging for the child, and the parents would seem like strangers.

I want to spend as much time as possible with my kids having fun and preparing them as best I can for the world. I want my relationship with my kids to be the best I can make it and the more time and effort put into this, the better. This is well established stuff.

Despite this, I'm not anti-childcare, as I tried to say earlier. Its value as support to parents is incalculable. From 6 months, both of my kids went to daycare for the full day every Friday – and we made full use of the free childcare sessions provided by the local authority – You can't have them on the apron strings forever after all.

I do wonder, especially with pre-school age children, how much of a relationship you can develop if they're in daycare every day, all day during adult working hours. Most little kids I know, including my own two, we ready for bed between 18:00 and 19:00. That leaves an hour every evening and maybe the same in the morning? Factor the morning and bedtime routines into that and that leaves the weekend?

I'm not having a pop here, I really am wondering how it works, because we didn't do it like that, and therefore have no experience of it. ❓

FWIW, won't be having kids as both the missus and I hate the little bastards

Heh, with attitudes like that I'm sure your kids WOULD be bastards 🙂 Mine's lovely tho.

Surely the reason to have kids is so they can look after you, pay for you and wipe your backside for you when you're old and decrepit.

Alternatively, they might just bung you in the cheapest care home they can find and forget about you.

Hmmm. Some parallels here…?Well if he bungs me in somewhere I get to make fires in the woods and play with cars with my friends I think I'll be happy.

Just like to mention that although my comments to Yossarian come across a little blut they werent intended that way. Actually quite impressed with his methods

I'm with Soul Rider. A great line from 3rd Rock From The Sun…."I want to have babies like the humans….and pay complete strangers to look after them.
What amazes me is,people think it's perfectly acceptable to pay somebody to look after their child,less than the parent is earning to do a far more important job.
There's logic in there somewhere.Or not.

The way we worked it was my wife went back to work three months after having each of our daughters, but working three, sometime four, evenings a week for the same company as me, 5.30 – 10.00pm evenings. It meant during the week we hardly saw each other and was frankly f*cking hard work, but it meant the kids were always with one of us, we had no childcare costs, and a reasonable income. They both went to (free, council-run, and very good) nursery half a day each day from the age of 3, but that was for their benefit, not out of necessity.

Personally, I couldn't / wouldn't have put my two in all-day care from a young age, but everyone's cirumstances vary, and it's a personal choice.

Am deliberately staying out of this
me too. Am going back to work when ours is 9 months. My choice, only mine and GF's business, no one elses.

Likewise. I've no idea what Mrs North will, or will want to, be able to manage workwise when the time comes. For now, she's concentrating on being as well as she can during her pregnancy (15 weeks still not at all well).

I shall support her in her decision and cut our cloth accordingly. She won't work for the sake of money – it's not her motivator – but because she is fiercely independent, so a sense of being driven by money won't apply.

A colleague who was once paid the same as me and had 5 kids. He and his wife managed. He is now paid, say 40% more (with the attendant stress), has one more child and they still manage.

What amazes me is,people think it's perfectly acceptable to pay somebody to look after their child,less than the parent is earning to do a far more important job.

Do you also think it strange that people think it's perfectly acceptable to pay somebody less to clean their house than they earn doing their more important job? Or to pay the people serving them food in a restaurant (so they don't have to cook) less than they earn?

You do realise that staff at a nursery can also look after more than one child each?

*deletes long, boring story*

Nursery 40 hours a week is nuts. Be lucky if the kid doesnae grow up a total heidbanger.

My oldest needed regular (non life-threatening) hospital operations from the age of 2 together with associated visits to consultant, tests etc etc. This went on for 15 years.

Every few months he had an operation, that is if it was deemed that he was well enough. Every single time I went with him to the operating theatre and was there when he later woke up.

There was no way I could "out-source" that. He needed his mother.

I was a stay-at-home mum and that was the right decision for my children.