Bindun ^^^^

Outside Durham post office. Fat lass in tracksuit is pushing a pushchair up the hill. Thin lass in tracksuit is pushing one down the hill…
TL: Eeeeh hiyaz!
FL: Eeeeh hiyaz!
TL: Are ye alreet?
FL: Aye, guess what? Ahm aaanly **** pregnant again, inn I?
TL: Eeeeh!

Overheard by my wife a few years ago – two lads about 12-14 years old walking down a residential street.

“At least she was wet when it was your turn – she were dry when I was licking her out…”

Overheard by me a few months ago – two matronly ladies on the reception desk and one was relatively new.

Pointing to the reception television that constantly plays BBC News 24 “Is that a smart TV”
“No, it’s not Pam.”
“Shame.” said Pam. “I could have logged into my account and we could have had a bit of Netflix and Chill every day.”

Sat outside Costa having a post-ride coffee when a suit wearing gentleman in his mid to late 40s greets his colleague with the word “dude”.

Reminds me of being in Oxford one day several years ago. Two classic red-trouser-wearing Oxfordians parting company at the corner of a road (outside Blackwells, should you know Oxford). One says “OK ya, see you later then” and the other replies “Yes, yes. Keep it real, eh.”

I smiled. 🙂

A few years ago, in a small nightclub toilet, in Hereford.

I’m at the sink washing my hands/trying not to pay £3 to the ‘toilet attendant’ for a piece of chewing gum and some knock off aftershave.

One lad at urinal (trough type) already, another walks in and stands beside him. A few seconds later………

” ‘Kin ell, you don’t shag with that, d’ya? ”

In Homebase, from the next aisle where a little kid is doing a bit of whinging:

“Will you shut up, you’re pissing me off.” “And now you’ve made me bloody swear. I didn’t mean to but you’re pissing me off.”

All said sounding very much like a cockney Joe Pasquale.

” ‘Kin ell, you don’t shag with that, d’ya? ”

….”Yep and I also beat a cheeky **** to death with it once”

Bindun ^^^^

Oops. That’ll teach me to skim-read.

not so much as overheard as said directly to me… a few years ago minivader was playing at superhero’s and of course i was the baddie… up comes superminivader and announces in a loud voice “You cant kill me daddy! I’m INFLATABLE”
cue much laughter from me and other shoppers around

I hope you let him down gently.

I ordered a beanburger without cheese. I was duly informed that they couldn’t fulfil my order as they’d run out of cheese.

You should have asked if you could have it without coleslaw instead.

daftvader – Member

not so much as overheard as said directly to me… a few years ago minivader was playing at superhero’s and of course i was the baddie… up comes superminivader and announces in a loud voice “You cant kill me daddy! I’m INFLATABLE”

Kilmarnock used to have a player called Danny Invincibile. Boy beside my brother decided to heckle him with “You’re not very Invincible are you, we can all see you” To be fair, being a bit mentally defective is pretty much a prerequisite for being a Hearts fan.

In a takeaway pizza place in my hometown a woman asked the guy behind the counter, in all seriousness……..”can you tell me how big a 10″ pizza is?”

……..”can you tell me how big a 10″ pizza is?”

254mm

A lady at my daughter’s gym asked me to give a rough estimate for something she was looking at on ebay – how long is a foot?

I lifted my foot up and showed her.

She didn’t seem pleased until i pointed out that my foot (size 10) in shoes actually is give or take about 12″ longer.

(I could have shown her another part of my anatomy and asked her to imagine it halved, of course)

(I could have shown her another part of my anatomy and asked her to imagine it halved, of course)

Your arm?

I loved this one, which I read on a business travel website. Somebody in Business class on a Lufthansa flight from Dallas to Frankfurt overheard a conversation across the aisle:

Steward: “So you are going to Germany for a holiday?”
Texan man: “Yeah, last year we went to Munich and we liked it so much that this year we thought we’d go to Munchen.”
Steward: “That’s good… but Sir, don’t you know, Munich and Munchen is the same place!”
American: “Gee, looks like we goofed again. Oh well!”
Steward: “Yes, never mind. Now, how about some of this caviar?”
American: “Cayveear? Cayvyar? What’s that?”
Steward: “Oh you know, fish eggs.”
American: “Okay, give me two!”

Chamonix, Aguile du Midi cable car, Packed full of skiers.
Loud American nervously says to his guide “Are we going to see any Glaciers today”

To those that haven’t been there, you have to try pretty blooming hard not to see any glaciers…and the only run down from the top of the lift we were on is completely on a glacier..

Not mine, but still amusing:

Child on bus: “Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum….”

Mother of child: “I can’t believe how happy I was the first time you said that”

A genius on a phone at work.

“yes, that’s a for apple, x for xylophone…”

And my wonderful wife aka Mrs Malaprop ”ah, the twig drops”.

At a wedding in Essex a few years back, a large Pat Butcher like chain smoking lady.

Yeah, I had to give that (:£! one of me kidney in the divorce, he wanted to ‘ave one of my £!?*ing boys and I weren’t ‘aving that!

on a train to Blackpool, mid afternoon, busy

“Micky’s getting the drugs for tonight, its Vanilla Diesel, its good stuff”

Group of young backpackers, mostly British, female, with a young male American backpacker. Drinking coffee around the table:

Backpacker 1: ‘Omigoooohd guys I nearly forgot – today’s Stan Day!*

American: ‘Who invented ‘Stan Day’?’

Backpacker 2: Me!

American: So, like, so what if you actually call your dick ‘Stan’ and you’re really having a joke on us?

Backpacker 1: Do you call YOUR dick ‘Stan”?

American: No I call it ‘The Octagon’

(Deafening, near hysterical, laughter)

‘Why The Octagon?’

(Thoughtfully) ‘I think I thought it sounded fierce?’

(Laughter/numerous ‘omiGOHDuh’s)

—————————————————————-
*’What exactly is ‘Stan Day’ remains a mystery!

In 2005 when I was playing cricket, our overseas for the year was a short-arsed aggro Aussie. He was bowling to an ex county pro of 15-20 years and giving him loads of shit. Eventually he got him out and ran past to the wicketkeeper giving it large.

Ex pro: “Who the **** do you think you are?”

Aussie lad: “Me? I’m the **** who just got you out………… now **** off!”

There weren’t many friendly beers in the bar after that game.

As told to me by my Dad. A long time ago before cash machines the work lot went out to the pub after work with a young graduate guy in tow. When it was his round, he didn’t have any cash on him, just a chequebook.

Young lad to landlord: Errr, do you cash cheques?”

Landlord: “Ah, well, I’ve got an arrangement with the bank about things like this.”

Young lad: “Oh yes? What’s that, then?”

Landlord: “They don’t serve beer, and I don’t cash ****ing cheques”.

Cannock again today. Up the wooden ramp between the trees and down the rocks on the other side. Two lads in front.

“Come on!”
“You come on! I can’t get me f***kin bars through!”

And I also liked the US golfer Tony Finau the other night being interviewed at the Open.

He said he liked playing links golf courses even though he was more used to ‘traditional’ golf courses. Had to chuckle at that one.

Over heard at a wedding reception, a distant lady relative of the bride, “and his parents bought them a lovely new cooker, it’s even got a rotary spitoon’!

A discussion on the death penalty, ‘well I don’t care what you say, there’s got to be so sort of detergent’.

Today, on the beach..

“It’ll foil in 5knts”
“reaaaallllyyyyy“
“It will, I’ll need the 15mtr kite, but I can assure you it’ll foil”
“It’s blowing 14 now, how will I know to believe you”
“Watch, help me launch and I’ll show you”

Hmmm, beach bullshite heard the world over.

On the bus to Leightonstone tube, picks up a load of kids from the college, 2 girls chatting, “I only let him pound me in my ass coz I like his locks hitting me on the back”

Just properly spat tea on the keyboard at kimbers story! 😆

Two work colleagues years ago discussing the film Troy
“did you enjoy it”
“yeah, but when they came out of that big dog I didn’t know what was going on”
“yeah, that’ll be the Trojan horse ”

I was getting changed in a gym locker room when two young lads walked in, one with a large holdall full of beer.

Lad1: I went to a beer wholesalers today and the guy sold me a bottle of the strongest beer in the World!

Lad2: Yeah?

Lad1: Yeah , and he said he had some even stronger out the back.

By the time I was cornered like a rat into doing the diner questionnaire I’d run out of shits to give, so had a bit of fun with it. One question that sticks in my mind was “how would you describe a Fish In A Bun to a prospective customer?” So I wrote, “it’s a bun with a fish in it.” I earned a verbal warning for that one.

Just reading through this thread, and for some reason that struck me as extraordinarily funny, I had tears in my eyes.