What do you tell people to do on a day to day basis that out of context sounds extremely bizarre?

No explanations needed, think it’s more fun to let our minds come up with our own ideas. Genuine quotes/instructions only

Me?

I tell people, mainly women, to pee in the shower or bath

I ply house women with wine.

Ok being STW

What’s your preferred rubber?
Have you seen my new studded rubber?
What’s your favourite lube?
Wet lube or dry?
What do you have at the rear? About 6 inches?

Note: I may not use these everyday, but they’ve all been said by or to me at some point.

I tell myself to go sit in front of a computer for 8-9 hours.

I hate mouse milking

I have to tell people that they aren’t oiling thier tool enough.

Are you a taker-offer?

i used to test condoms. several hundred a day 😯

I poke people in the bum, tell them to work harder and put more effort in.

I’ve got a bit more than we talked about, can you take it all?

I quite often instruct people to take a dump.

F*** me

😉

“We need to take a dump.”

OK I work in IT and need to refresh databases often.

[Edit] I do not drive an Audi, or own an Orange 5

Looks like I’m hanging out the back if you today then

Houns, I say that too… are you “one of us”?

“Stick it up your arse” is an often used

Your nipples have seized.
If it was a horse, I’d have shot it.

Meehaja 3 numbers that are the same but not 999

‘Ringfence the unicorn’ and assorted sales bullshit patter.

“It’s time to say your prayers”

yup. CH or CA?

I have in depth and first hand knowledge of piles.

Health adviser/call handler

what area are you? I’m a clinical advisor for yorkshire (P.S isn’t it great being universally hated by the media/ general public?)

“Have you shot her before?”

I’m currently looking at some gussets with big cracks in them.

You don’t want to suck too hard!

It took me 2 days to crack it!

I’ll put my probes here…and here

Are you going to erect that column?

Lets get her nice and wet then give it a good pounding! was uttered about half an hour ago

who’s got the smallest hands it’s tight in there