Gah, talk about embarrassing, but I’m a bit stuck the moment as I find there is something missing in my life.

Pretty much, I worked hard all my life, went to a good Uni, got a good degree and now have a secure job. Throughout this time I kept telling myself that all the work would be worth it. Now, I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to do, because there are no more goals. Worse, I’ve sacrifised my social skills and about the only thing I’m secure with is working.

Constantly working is getting a bit unhealthy. I find I cannot connect to anything outside work. Also, I think I’ve aged mentally as I find myself hating everything that young people seem to enjoy which makes finding new people to talk to difficult.

I’m in my early 20s and I’ve come to the point that I realise I need to sort out my non work life, otherwise I’ll be a hermit until I die. Saddly, I don’t seem to have the balls to stick my neck out and do things that other people can do easily, so that has to be corrected. How I turned into such a wuss is beyond me.

Anyway, feel free to ridicule me as much as you want, but if anyone has any suggestions as to what steps to take to becoming more rounded that would be much appreciated.

Probably the wrong place to ask, but it’s worth a go.

Thanks,

T

Group ride with some chaps off here?

read this, then do something about it

you are on a biking forum right?

So I assume you are into riding bikes and there lies your answer.

wonder about this myself constantly to the point where i waste so much time thinking about the things I don’t do which leaves me no time to do the things I think about doing.

Advice I got thrust upon me was to do little things, nothing special or amazing, and build up from there. Make some time a few days a week to go out for a ride, somewhere new each time if possible.

The time you have riding will clear your mind a little and the endorphins always help too. From there you’ll have a better launching point to try new stuff should you wish.

What I’ve found is doing the ordinary stuff (bit of cleaning around the house, sitting down with a magazine and listening to music with a nice cup of coffee) can sometimes be better than going out and trying paragliding or skydiving, but as people there is always a burning desire to be adventurous.

[mock mode] you could try M’ingTFU [/mock mode] only joking 😀

Where do u live timothius??

Anywhere round the east coast of scotland and ill treat you to a few beers and some fantastic biking/climbing/skiing etc.

Let me know fella…..

Yup, I should definitely go on a group ride. Unfortunantly the prospect is rather intimidating. Still non-serious rides in the Surrey Hills would be good start. Any way to find such a group?

Edit: Boba – good advice! Never thought of taking small steps for some reason. And yup, I often spend so much time thinking about it that nothing ever comes about.

mactheknife – I’m near Guildford so no where near, but thanks for offer. Much appreciated.

What sort of things do you want to be doing? Are there some simple, basic goals that you could list, and attempt them one at a time?

What’s currently stopping you doing these things?

I’ll be flat out honest and say recently biking’s been the best thing in my life, it’s got me outside, put me back in touch with old friends I should never have lost touch with and new friends I would never have met. I basically lost the social life I had when I broke my hip, I was too immobile for a while and then too much of a miserable c**t for a long time, and getting back on track is not easy at all. But it comes along bit by bit.

Hey man, I am not far from you and very much prefer non-serious riding!

Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have any workmates you socialise with outside of work? Do you have family nearby or siblings? You could go to Salsa, or a photography group or become a volunteer planting trees!

I think the key here is to feel the fear and do it anyway!

How about taking a week off work and getting yourself to somewhere like Switchbacks?

Not exactly a small thing but sounds like you need a holiday, and the experience could change the way you feel about yourself…

Beej: Pretty much just mundane things. Drinks at the pub, cycle rides, having a laugh. Finding someone that you can talk to about life in general. Being more confident and less intimidated over mundane things, such as what people think of you, how you look etc.

The main problem comes down in insecurity. For some stupid reason i’m adverse to anything unknown. So I pretty much stick to the same routine (wake up, go to work, work, go home and sleep) and never go out except to get the essentials.

I know I should MTFU, but how? Do people just walk into a pub have a few drinks and talk to people? Seems completely alien to me. I just need to find some non intimidating way of talking to similar people.

Join a MTB club ?

Do people just walk into a pub have a few drinks and talk to people?

Did a fair bit of this as a mature student in Edinburgh – all my classmates were about 17 and liked things like Slipknot and cheap cider 🙁

Have to say, walking into pubs and starting conversations with strangers doesn’t come naturally to me either – usually made a bee line for the pool table. That way you can be in the company of other blokes without ever actually having to talk…

Hmmm – stick with bikes maybe….

Do people just walk into a pub have a few drinks and talk to people?

You can do that but then you will just end up meeting drunk people. Much better to find a way that you are in regular contact with a group of people of a similar age, like salsa or volunteering. That way you get to develop relationships over time rather than expecting some instant spark of rapport with some strangers. Internet dating is always a hoot as well…

talking to similar people

Vive la difference old chap, everyone is different and sometimes talking to people completely different from yourself is exactly what you need to shake a certain mindset.

Pick something small to try – walking into a pub alone is fairly intimidating. Have you got a local bike shop? Always good places to chat plus you can ask about where to ride etc.

Are there people at work who you get on with? Anyone else you could ride with? It’s easier to go out with one person you sort of know, than turn up with an unknown group.

Torminalis’ “feel the fear and do it anyway” can work – but start small. Where do you buy food? Could you go to a local butcher/baker where you can have an easy interaction with a “stranger”?

(EDIT – you realise you’ve just walked into a virtual pub and struck up a conversation with a bunch of strangers?)

Hey Timothius, if you fancy coming on a ride in Sussex let me know, you’d be more than welcome. I’ve just got back into riding and have met some great people through it.

Do you not have any old mates at all that you could get in touch with?

Otherwise, join a mtb club? Do you play an instrument? If so, form a band?

Yes, it’s taking small steps to get out of your comfort zone.

Some very good suggestions have been made and you’ve already got some invites for rides so that’s a terrific start. 🙂

See, nobody has ridiculed you. You just need to believe in yourself and remember that other people aren’t necessarily as super-confident as they appear.

Good luck.

beej makes a good point. If you really uncomfortable socially: when next in a shop…

Say hello, how are you?
They’ll ask you the same back.
Reply with yeah not bad (or whatever) then mention the weather.

Standard British conversation starter.

Going into a pub alone, unless you have a tale of the Mrs doing your head in and needing to escape, your watching sport, or you live in a small village, is not that normal IMO.

Try taking up a martial art. Brilliant for fitness, confidence and meeting people. And you get buff.

Torminalis’ “feel the fear and do it anyway” can work – but start small.

Fair point. There does come a point though when you have to move out of your comfort zone and trying to chat up the local butcher might just make you feel like an oddball. I think a reasonably bold move, something as simple as starting a night class might be a very good way to do something different but also allow you to pick your level of involvement at any one time.

All IMO of course, I do not know the OP but wish him the best of luck.

Do people just walk into a pub have a few drinks and talk to people?

Go into a gay pub or club and people talk to you, just explain politely youre not gay if asked, but just called in for a drink, all very chatty they be.

I used to be exactly the same now i talk to anybody , the girl or lad onn the checkout, the bin man, the customers i have,anyone,some you get a responce from and some you dont, just be freindly ask questions about their job, dont smile like a loony, just be yourself and things get easier as you meet more people.

Remember theres a lot of lonely people out there all with exactly the same fear, just embrace them, not physically at first,try to talk to one stranger per day, just possibly say hello, or say you do a good job to the cleaner /canteen staff etc, the sort of people who rarely get acknowledged by others.

C-G is right most people aren’t as confident as they appear, myself included.

Go into a gay pub or club and people talk to you, just explain politely youre not gay if asked, but just called in for a drink

Erm what now?! That’s very strange advice IMO. As is chatting up the local butcher….

User removal,
No, it helps build confidence and takes you out of your comfort zone, walk intoa normal pub , and usually only drunks or the idiot in the corner want to speak to you.

Hmm, not sure if teasing the local gay community will build confidence, but I won’t knock it ’til I’ve tried it 🙂

Lots of excellent advice and I’m feeling far less down now.

The Southern Yeti: I think your right, a holiday is needed. I’ve taken 2 days off in the past 6 months, so I should do something. Jumping on a plane and going to spain doesn’t sound all that bad – if things go horribly wrong, well it all happend in spain!

Torminalis: I have a sister which I get on well with, but we are so different (she does plays lots of classical music, I don’t) that we don’t often do things together. Girlfriend… Hah…

I have been considering volunteering recently after hearing about old people homes needing people to talk to the residents. I’ve always got on with older people much better than the young.

User-removed: Sticking with bikes does sound preferable. My friends at uni were also very goal orientated. They all went into banking (I went into engineering) so we now have little in common. They never respond to my messages to them so I’ve given up.

beej: The people I get on with at work tend to be married, with kids etc, so don’t do much outside work. Our social events suck as well – they tend to book a place and you end up talking to work people about work all night. Gah. Talking on the internet is easy though, because the sudo anonymity removes all risk.

Everyone: Overall, thanks again for all the advice and the ride offers. I will definitely have to follow up on those. I thought this would turn into a massive timothius bash but that has not been the case. The suggestions have been excellent and it’s up to me to make the effort to fix my existance. Sorry to the people I’ve not responded to specifically to this post – you advice is just as appreciated too.

There’s a slight difference between chatting up the butcher and asking “what do you recommend”? Depends if the butcher’s cute or not. Though in my experience they rarely are. Bakers might be a better bet, ask about floury baps.

Lots of good suggestions here – it will almost certainly be uncomfortable doing something first time – whenever I’ve gone to something new it’s been hard the first time and much easier from there on. Night classes are good as most people go there alone and tend to be open and friendly because of that.

Share your problems, talk about them and make freinds, oh so easy, and possibly have a laugh along the way. 🙂

On meeting folk in pubs – I have done – met a whole group of friends some of whom have become close lifelong friends.

This is after moving to Edinburgh when I was 30 and not knowing anyone.

Obviously a lot of beer was drunk but also motorbiking / camping / mountainbiking and all sorts of shenanigans

Just from sitting at the bar blethering to people

The gay bar idea although crazy isn’t so bad. If I ever find myself hundreds of miles from here it might not be such a bad idea. People might talk to me first for once heh. (Would have to be somewhere that I never intend to go back to though – if the word got out some people would just not understand)

Talking on the internet is easy though, because the sudo anonymity removes all risk…

Go Fishing for girls…

Just say more than ‘Hi’, but not something perverted and they’ll start talking back. Many hours of fun. If you seem to hit it off with one of them, don’t waste time with loads of messages… ask to meet her in the real world.

TSY, you cheeky scamp – plenty of fish is awful! fine for vicky pollard types… there are better sites… so I’m told….

Wow – just looked at night classes in Guildford. Never realised that there were so many and so varied. Most don’t require dressing up and gyrating about either… Bookbinding sounds appealing.

The Southern Yeti – Never knew such a thing existed…must be some interesting stories centered around meetings on that site.

😆 iDave, but it’s free!

Possible explains why it’s the Weatherspoons of internet dating I suppose…

I would steer clear of plenty of fish. From what I’ve heard, the girls only seem to be interested in casual sex and one night stands.

sc-xc – Member
I would steer clear of plenty of fish. From what I’ve heard, the girls only seem to be interested in casual sex and one night stands.

Sudden influx of new members………..

See Timothius, you’re not lacking social skills… I was about to start harping on about the fun a different site has provided me with over the last few months. But it apparently makes me sound too Awesome.

Yes there are stories… the one’s I’ve been told (about other guys) by the women I’ve met are very interesting indeed!

I met someone who looked nothing like her photo as it turned out she was only on Plenty of Fish to stalk her ex 😯