Not mine, the GF’s.

Essentially, she’s absolutely horrid. The daughter, not the GF. 13 years old, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding and violent. In and out of trouble at school, too. Usually for back-chatting teachers or fighting.

Apparently she was as good as gold until the hormones kicked-in.

I have no experience of this, I have nothing to bring to the discussion and obviously have no jurisdiction… But the GF is at the end of her tether. I think we are just after some reassurance that this really is “just a phase” and that she’s “at a difficult age”. Is there an end in sight?

Is she just a textbook teenage daughter who’s not had a useful father-figure around for most of her life?

Tell me she’ll grow out of it soon. Before she and I have a major falling-out. 😐

Grit teeth. MTFU.

My mate’s daughter’s just started with this, same age – up until last year she was the model child. Now she’s just a little $h!t. She’ll grow out of it. When she’s about 16.

Is there an end in sight?

parents with older children tell me by the time they’re 23 it’s usually all settled down again.

My son is 16 and approaching gcse’s in the Spring. We’re taking the approach of ‘if we can just get him to do some revision we’ll put up with the attitude and language’. Tbh, he’s not going out and drinking etc just being an arse at home.

I’d just buy some really good noise cancelling headphones or move out for a few years.

It’s the bad language and name-calling directed at my GF that I find hardest to deal with. She swears like a docker. Never known anyone with such a bad attitude.

Could be worse, she could be pregnant.

violent. In and out of trouble at school, too. Usually for back-chatting teachers or fighting

that bit sounds worse than the usual stuff, does she have contact with her dad? maybe some issues to deal with….buckle up for a bumpy ride.

Her dad is a useless fecker. Thinks her anti-school behaviour is commendable.

What kind of punishment regime are you / the gf running. I assume the naughty step is no longer in operation but you need to replace it with some form of structure (money tends to be the major motivator with teenagers). So what is the pocket money situation, what else are you doing for the girl?

She is docked allowance for every ‘infringement’. The docked monies then go to charity at the end of the financial year (!)

Doesn’t seem to be much of a deterrent as the daughter just has to do the sad, big-eyed thing at the GF when she needs a few quids.

mmm….offload her onto dad as much as possible…if not stay as calm as you can, be firm and fair….its a marathon not a sprint.

Doesn’t seem to be much of a deterrent as the daughter just has to do the big-eyed thing at the GF when she needs a few quids.

So really there is no actual reprimand in place for her actions ?

There will be something she cares about or “needs” that the two of you are in control of, figure out what that is, and remove/restrict it when required.

The main problem will be not sticking to it when you need to.

Dunno, I wasn’t bad as a teenager so maybe it’s not relavent.

I did spend a lot of time arround adults (Sailing club, Mountainbiking*, working in a ‘proper’ summer job not washing up/waiting tables/supermarket), which I reckon gave me the perspective that the kids being tools at school and acting out weren’t the ‘grown up’ ones, which probably made me act more grown up rathar than stereotypical ‘teenager’.

*maybe not the most healthy, it meant I was in the pub on school nights from thage of 15!

You could just find a GF who dosent have kids, or problem kids.

Almost half the population is female, so its not like its hard to find a GF.

Dont make life any harder than it needs to be.

(unless of course you are a Single Speeder)

There will be something she cares about or “needs” that the two of you are in control of, figure out what that is, and remove/restrict it when required

That’ll be lifts to/from places. Thing is, she’ll just hitch-hike if we deny her a lift. Seriously.

Wise words, Trimix. However, this one’s worth sticking with. And, yes, I do SS 😉

Is she just a textbook teenage daughter who’s not had a useful father-figure around for most of her life?

I reckon this isn’t far off it. My Ex moved out to BC Canada about 5 years ago with a guy (new husband) who could barely tie his shoe laces, that marriage failed in about a minute followed by a string of easy to push around boyfriends.
My daughter is now 13 and kicking off big time. Bunking off school, smoking weed like its going out of fashion (which it is of course), She even nicked her mums truck for a late night joy ride.

She has managed to maintain a straight A school report for this entire duration however which is re assuring but I’m still worried as you would expect. When I talk to her she is sweetness and light but I believe she gives her mum plenty of abuse.

Back to your issue though. Her dad needs his fortune telling. A united front from her parents regarding this would be critical I would have thought. I buried the hatchet with my Ex pretty quick once I found out what was going on

old, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding

What’s her STW User name? That could be a few folk on here….

old, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding

Sounds like the worst version on Snow White ever!

That’ll be lifts to/from places. Thing is, she’ll just hitch-hike if we deny her a lift. Seriously.

That’s not “it” then 😉

Keep thinking !

There will be something she cares about or “needs” that the two of you are in control of, figure out what that is, and remove/restrict it when required

we’ve found that a screen ban works fairly well..no computers, phones etc…start small, maybe an evening or 8hrs…

Is this just a generational thing?

For sure I had my moments as a child and probably a few when I was a teenager too. But growing up I did (and still do) have the upmost respect for my parents and would never dream of swearing directly at them.

What kind of punishment regime are you / the gf running

I haven’t got older kids, but I can’t imagine punishment works on older kids. It sure as hell didn’t work on me. Teenagers aren’t like dogs. Life is a hell of a lot more complicated than reward/punishment, at least in material terms.

Not only did it not work on me, I found it incredibly patronising, which just made things much worse.

Does she have good responsible moments? If so, maybe film her being a **** and play it back to her on the big telly so she can see how awful she’s being.

Black bag, clothes, then show her the door. Let her stay with her feckless father. We did this with Mrs notlocal’s demon. What returned after 2 months of shit food, and zero parental input, was a 180 degree turnaround in attitude.
It sounds harsh, but they soon learn that a clean, warm house and food that doesn’t get cooked in its packaging is worth behaving for.

Is this just a generational thing?

Probably not. Her mum’s an Oxbridge grad and a teacher. She does, however, have three older brothers all of whom are hardly… erm… role models 😐

Tune in next week.

You could try rewarding the good behaviour, but access to cash will be a great motivator as will internet and phone access. Got teenage boys, the latter two are good levers to pull.

Have you got a cellar?

Has anyone gone with her to the doctors at all? It could be that hormonal imbalance is causing this to get out of hand.

Or she could just be a 21st century female teenager.

Honestly? Get professional help.

Ignoring her or punishing her isn’t going to turn her into a good girl, it’ll just make her feel more of a victim and she’ll play up more. Contact some counsellors (CBT or PCC) and ask them to speak to you and your GF first, then get your DiL to go on her own to try to get her to understand why she’s playing up. Getting her to go might be difficult, but you could reward her for going to counselling rather than punish her for being naughty.

Perhaps say that if she goes to 5 counselling sessions you’ll take her somewhere (One Direction tickets or whatever it is girls listen to).

Sending her to her Dads (“as you can’t behave yourself you can just go live with your dad”), could make things worse…if her Dad leaving is the reason she has behavioural issues, then ‘sending her away’ is possibly going to make it worse.

I say the above based on my experience only…I was a little shit in my teens.

Sweep her feet from beneath her and stand on her head?

Her dad is a useless fecker. Thinks her anti-school behaviour is commendable.

theres your answer, time for him to man up and be a dad. and you get a spare room for more bikes.

Have you got a cellar? patio?

…do you want one?

(well it had to be said 😉 )

boarding school?

, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding and violent

Sounds like she is on the path to woman hood.

I haven’t got older kids, but I can’t imagine punishment works on older kids. It sure as hell didn’t work on me. Teenagers aren’t like dogs. Life is a hell of a lot more complicated than reward/punishment, at least in material terms

I don’t entirely agree. At the end of the day reward and punishment is how society in general works. As long as you and your GF lay the ground rules clearly and stick with them I would think it would be a good deterrent. I would also look into some professional counseling too though to see if there are some underlying issues. Very often people are more willing to open up to strangers than they are to family. Does the school not have a social worker?

Good call, Roter Stern. Will look into it 🙂

Ditch the GF?

Problem solved at source

My daughter is now 13 and kicking off big time. Bunking off school, smoking weed like its going out of fashion (which it is of course), She even nicked her mums truck for a late night joy ride.

She has managed to maintain a straight A school report for this entire duration however which is re assuring but I’m still worried as you would expect.

Probably sleeping with teachers or faking reports – both are useful life skills – she’ll be okay.

As explained, djglover, not an option. But thanks for your input.