Hello, I’m lucky enough to be father to a 4 week old boy. It’s been a very tough pregnancy with plenty of MTFU being done, and I’m very fortunate to have both him and my wife as things weren’t looking good.

My problem, which has been noticed by my wife and mate is I’m hot and cold towards the baby. One moment I can’t stop singing/reading/talking to him and love him to bits, the other I feel like he’s on object I just have to look after. Not my baby just an object.

Is this common? Has anyone experienced this? I can’t get a DRS appointment easily but wanted to know how others got on.

ITs a really tough time at the start with the first

I always loved my kids but you dont really know what you are loving initially as you just feed it as it deprives you off sleep and free time so it acts just like a very demanding object

its gets so much easier and better and they develop a personality and everything

Hang in there but seek help if you need it but we all took time to adjust to kids.

It is very common.
Until they start interacting they are dull as hell and just an annoyance.
Keep in mind that once they start responding to you they are amazing, you have to hold on tight to that. And use those little windy smiles they do as an encouragement, it has to be one of the few things that ensures the little shites get through the early stages.

Sorry forgot to add, I would switch on a 20 minute basis at first, from having tears in my eyes from love, to what the **** is this evil thing I have hold of.

Mate, it’s normal for you to feel this way. Having children means a massive process of readjustment for you, whilst you are tired and harassed. If this is happening on the back of a traumatic pregnancy its going to be even more challenging. Parenthood is a long term commitment. Hang in there and don’t beat yourself up, as things stabilise and you adjust to the new normal you’ll find that your emotions become more consistent and controlled. It may be that deep down in your subconscious there is some kind of trauma/resentment for the ordeal that you/your partner went through in pregnancy. Again, this will fade in time. Be easy on yourself, there is no right or wrong way. I’m father of a 9yr old and an 8 yr old. Weeks away from no.3 and still don’t know what I’m doing! Never be afraid to ask for help or advice. All the best, you’ll be fine!

Same as these chaps, it’s very common and it WILL change as they get less boring. Hang in there.

Nothing seems to prepare you for how much work it is either. The bonding will come with time.. There are no written in stone rules in parenting. Just be aware of how sleep deprived you are and that it can really screw you up physically and mentally. Congratulations, good luck and just continue what you are doing…

First 12-18mo is just a job of work, I’m afraid. Then they wake up, show a personality and start giving back. Hang in there, it definitely gets a lot better.

My first has just gone to Uni.

Congrats on the baby.
I was bloody hot and cold with my three year old terror this weekend!
Seriously though,the bond your missus has with the baby at the moment is way stronger than yours..it’s very early days, we were like rabbit/headlights etc for the first few weeks tbh.its normal.
I’m a hippy and did all the skin to skin stuff to build a bond early days.
He now regularly tells me he doesn’t like me, so the bond is obviously strong.ha.
Keep at it.

On a positive note too. Our little boy is now 16 weeks and is the most awesome thing I have seen/done.
To see the unbelievably fast changes in them is just astonishing.

Can only repeat what the others have said – it’s a huge adjustment, a very emotional time, even without the sleep deprivation and the extra problems you appear to have had.

From previous similar threads on here, most dads have similar issues, but it gets easier with time. Being a dad is the hardest and the greatest thing I have done, and I wouldn’t swap it for the world. now. But in the early days, there were times when I would have done.

The important thing is that you have identified that you think there is a problem and asked for advice – even if it was us. If it doesn’t get better in the next few weeks, maybe seek more expert advice.

But remember your partner is also going through huge upheavals as well – remember to talk – and listen – to her as well.

Hang on in there and enjoy the ride.

One moment I can’t stop singing/reading/talking to him and love him to bits, the other I feel like he’s an object I just have to look after. Not my baby just an object.

Mine range in age from 6-24 it doesn’t really change 😉

You’re overthinking. Most new parents these days do.

It’s very common, dont worry about it. As has been said above things will improve in time. New born babies are boring and ugly. It’s not until they start to do stuff that they become fun.

You’ve also got to keep in mind that you’re way down the foodchain in the family now too. I dont think it’s very fair of your wife or mate to be making comments about how you’re bonding with the lad either.

What tired said – boring shite machine that suck the life and joy out of your life (and money).

From 18 months it starts to be a bit more fun.

As others have said the assumption that parents fall head over heals in love at first sight with their babies is not always true. Take the pressure off yourself and just relax. It will happen. Mums get baby blues or more serious post natal and blokes can to, usually to a much lesser extend.

A one and a three year old here.

First few months are pretty brutal as the learning curve’s pretty much a cliff face.

Don’t want to go over what others have said but hang in there, right now it-s all noise and poo, wait until you get the first smile or the first giggles, suddenly it’s all worth it. Remember to make a fuss over your wife, you’re in this together.

Not going to pretend there aren’t going to some bloody tough times ahead, but things really do get better, and toddlers are bloody hilarious!

I was not one of these gushing new dads. My wife had a terrible 30hr birth. He was two weeks over and massive, things were touch and go for a bit. It took a bit of time probably 6 months before we fully bonded if I’m honest.
Give it a bit of time and don’t beat yourself up about it, it will happen.

Exactly what everyone above has said. I had a stress related breakdown that came to a head on the due date of No. 1. Those next three months were brutal.

He’s now 2 and I was only saying today how much I’ve loved the last 6 months in particular.

I’m typing this from the labour ward as my wife’s in the very early stages of No. 2’s labour – so it can’t all be that bad otherwise we wouldn’t be here doing it again.

Dig in, and come back and read this thread in 6 months time when your life will no doubt be better than you could ever expect.

It is very common.
Until they start interacting they are dull as hell and just an annoyance.

This. And whats worse justcas you reach thecend of your tether the **** will smile, and then all is lost.

we had a tough pregnancy and even tougher birth with our second daughter.
Both Mum and Baby were horrifically close to not making it, which really messed with my head.
I struggled mentally for the first few months, I blamed the baby for my wife being so ill, and really struggled to bond with her.
a few months in, and things started to change, and steadily improved.
5 years later and we’re very close, with a great relationship.

Hang in there.

Can’t stress this enough – TOTALLY NORMAL! I have never told anybody some of the things that went through my head in those early days.

Just get by. Each day is a victory, each week worth celebrating, and month by month you’ll notice the difference.

Mine are now 2 1/2 and break my heart every time I look at them for fear I might lose them.

There are exciting times ahead.

Keep at it man. I never felt “the moment” as it was described to me be friends. It felt like we’d brought some kind of alien into the house. 2 years down the line, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do, or sacrifice for her. Being a dad is the hardest/best thing I’ve did with my life. She drives me mental, but is the centre of my universe. There are plenty of Good times ahead for you!

Totally normal not really my experience but very easy for me to understand. The first months are very hard for very little feed back. But 4 years in spent yesterday walking round the supermarket looking for a nice man to be his new daddy as I was captain evil for suggesting he wear a hoodie as it was cold. Spent today being god as I set up every piece of scalextrix we own in our living room and racing him.

It is journey where every step gets better .

Got four of the little buggers ( of various sizes ) myself…

Us blokes have grown used to everything being interactive and responsive. Babies just ain’t that. Let your missus provide the unconditional love, until it learns to say “Daddy” and run down the hall to greet you from work (Heart flip). Until then, they are just, smelly noise machines..

Enjoy. We are all building hogwarts on Minecraft at the moment.

P.S. Your missus now has something she loves more than you

I really loved the first 2 weeks in spite of the lack of sleep and working each day (self employed) but over the next 8 weeks I really struggled. I got to the point where I didn’t really want to go home. On week 10 he smiled and I found my mojo again.
Truthfully, I lacked empathy with him while he was a baby and could not have done the first 9 months like my wonderful wife did. Thankfully, my love for him has grown each day since. So, I suggest you just accept the way you feel, its no doubt not unusual, and look forward to all the fun in the future.

Also, my confident, strong wife became a worry wort that believed everything she read for a while. Be patient, it will pass. If only I had known this, I wouldn’t have been such a pain in the ass!

Also its the little things that make it worthwhile.
Currently he is asleep and clearly dreaming something funny as he is giggling in his sleep.
Hang in there you will get that connection and it will make everything worthwhile (honest….)

As many have said, what you’re feeling is very normal. How many are willing to talk about it at the time is another matter. Got a 10 month old and 2 1/2 year old here. Both were/are hard bloody work and it’s hard sometimes to see how they’ve done anything other than ruin the nice calm life you had before.

When people tell you to “treasure the early days” or similar feel free to suggest they **** right off and don’t feel bad if you’re finding little to enjoy. Talking about it is a good start. Keep plugging away, the older they get the more it starts to feel worthwhile, honest!

Yes it’s hard work, but overall it’s worth it, they eventually can become great riding companions.

Very common, I often felt something between indifference and resentment in the early weeks. It’s not talked about enough, I’m sure some dads actually do have the stereotypical instant bond blah blah blah – I suspect many have selective memories about just how tough the first few months are.

This thread wasn’t long before my daughter was born, and was a huge help in accepting that what I was feeling was pretty common, would pass in time, and to not feel too guilty about it.

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/i-feel-nothing-towards-my-baby

It got a lot better after about 3 months, when you get the odd smile and start seeing little developments every few days. Really enjoying it now she’s 9 months – sleeping well, eating well, super happy little thing.

Agree with everyone, it’s totally normal to feel like that. I think partly it’s because intellectually blokes can understand that their partner is having a baby, but on some level it’s not real because it’s not us it’s growing inside.

Then it suddenly pops out. We didn’t have it as tough as it sounds you did, but my OH still had to have a bit of emergency stitching up – you go from being a normal couple to suddenly watching the person you love being stitched up to stop them bleeding everywhere, and then at the same time you’re handed this small being who’s your responsibility and is also to blame for your OH’s situation. Or that’s a bit what it feels like.

Doesn’t help, of course, that newborns are freaky looking with the all-black eyes. Or was that just ours?

As everyone says, it gets better. A lot better.

Congratulations on the baby. All perfectly normal feelings to be having at the moment, as everyone else says just hang on in there. Mrs King-ocelot has had nearly 10 months bonding on top of you but your time will come. Being a parent is a hell of a shock to the system! Mini teadrinker asked me to get her a new daddy at the weekend from Sainsbury’s. She’s 3.

It’s get better and way more fun in time. Don’t beat yourself up over the feelings you have and if you have any new dad friends or just a good dad friend they can be an awesome support to you.

I agree it’s pretty normal – I love our little dude a lot, but in the early days there were times when I was wondering what we had done!

The birth was pretty tricky, he was ill and in hospital for a week at three weeks old, struggled with breast feeding, my other half had a few complications afterwards etc. This on top of naff all sleep made it tough at times. There were days when i really enjoyed doing ‘dad’ stuff but there were other days when I would rather have been anywhere else.

He’s now 13 months and pretty cool – hard work in a different way now though (walking and investigating everything). Hang in there, talk to your other half and you’ll get there…especially when you get the first smile.

As everyone says, it gets better. A lot better.

….and then gets a lot worse again…..and then better…..and then worse….

<18 years of emotional roller coaster pass in what seems an eternity to the child and like the blink of an eye to the parent >

…. and then worse….and then better….. and then he tells you that you’re a prick and he wants to fight you….. and then you throw him out….and then his mum lets him back in … and then it gets better… and then worse..
… and then he grows up and has kids of his own and realises what a good guy you’ve been all this time and how he’s now feeling all the same stuff that you did… but he can’t really talk to you about it… or his mates… or his wife.
‘s Coz he’s a bloke innit.

Men can have post-natal depression too OP. If you feel these feelings are getting hard to live with/extreme, do go and speak to your doctor.

Take care,

J

perchypanther – Member

As everyone says, it gets better. A lot better.

….and then gets a lot worse again…..and then better…..and then worse….

Doesn’t it just!

Sometimes I think the best course of action for the whole family would be to drive our 10 year old to another town, kick him out of the car and leave him there, I’d tell my wife he’s run off to join the circus.

There’s only so many times you can be told you’re wrong before you lose your cool – he’s become a pathological liar, If I ask him why he did something he wasn’t meant to do – first he’ll tell you he didn’t even though it happened seconds before and in front of your very eyes, then he’ll come up with some BS excuse, then he’ll tell you you’ve never told him, he couldn’t do that it goes on and on, he’s worked out that if he keeps it up long enough, he’ll win by grinding down his Mum, Aunt whoever to the point of “stop going on about it now” which is usually the response of someone who’s in the wrong, not right.

Everything has become a massive battle, but I can’t give in, most of the family just let him do as he pleases – my Mother in Law died when he was very small, which was terrible, also until recently he didn’t have any cousins so he has got very used to being spoiled all the time,

Still years 2-9 were a breeze and I’ll get him used to being told off soon enough – sometimes I wonder if it was easier when you could just whack them.

Our little one on the other hand is a delight at the moment – (aside from steadfastly refusing to accept GMT is a real thing) she’s 16 months old, is hysterically funny (to me anyway) very affectionate at the moment, she loves giving us kisses and cuddles and more interactive by the day.

I did get that lighten bolt moment the first time I saw her, not everyone does, but like most men I really struggled to really bond with her, at first I was just an overly protective life support machine for her – but that wasn’t always a bad thing, my Wife was so emotional about everything it made it her for her to make rational decisions – now it’s the other way, I’m a complete sucker and Mum has to tell her off.

Little Miss CD is only 11 days old, we’ve had a relatively easy start compared to some but it’s still a shock to the system. As a man I feel pretty helpless when she has be crying for hours and won’t settle and unless she is near my wife’s boobs (even if she is not feeding). I’m cherishing the times that I can – when she is sleeping in my arms and wakes and looks up at me – and I’m holding on to smiles, laughter, and playtime to come.

One thing that is very apparent is that nearly all the support whether it be local, online, or books is focused on the mother when it comes to newborn babies. Us men need to resort to posting on mountain bike forums for support.

lots of truth CD, very little support of fathers. I asked a health worker once what most dads do when their wives breakdown (PND or blues), she said most go to their mancaves, some just leave. Me, I rolled my sleeves up and basically applied the MTFU principal. I paced around our garden a lot, I drank a lot of whiskey. Things do improve but it can be a time when you learn a lot about yourself. Its actually great to hear it voiced on here. BroLove .

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/baby_vs_cat

Excellent point about lack of support for dads.

When MCJnr was a few weeks old – and a sleepless, crying colicky nightmare – friends came to visit who had 3 kids. She was instantly all over my wife wanting to know how she was coping etc.

Pete just said – “How are you coping? Cos no one ever asks the sodding father!”

He was spot on, and I appreciated it, and I’ve always made a point of asking mates when they’ve had babies

Support for blokes

There are few and far between support for men when it truly hits the fan. This one might help if it ever does really hit!

More support needed for men +1