Although I think I can handle this, and do and say the right thing, I just want to be sure that I’m doing and saying all the right things, and not missing something out. Also it’s not really something I can talk to any of my mates or my parents or anyone about really, it wouldn’t feel right. Hence the new user name and me posting here, hopefully I can get some help from you guys.

I’ve been seeing this girl for a few weeks, and we were friends for a few weeks before that. We’ve really, really, hit it off, and are already incredibly close and comfortable with each other, it’s being going really well. We had sex for the first and only time together the other night, and it went really well, with no real problems or issues.

Last night I went out with some mates, then met up with her and some of her mates, and went back to hers (just me and her, mind). We were both kinda drunk.

About a year ago she broke up with her last boyfriend, after they’d been seeing each other for 2 years. About a year into their relationship, he cheated on her with her (now ex) best friend, but they didn’t split up.

She had already told me about this. But last night she told me why she finally broke up with him. 2 weeks before she broke up with him, they were in bed, and he turned her over and, despite her kicking and protesting, raped her. I’m not quite sure what happened next, but he didn’t say anything afterwards, and either left or went to sleep.

This all happened about a year ago. She says I’m the first guy she’s trusted enough to let anywhere near her.

She hasn’t told her parents, any of her friends, the police, or anyone. Just me.

I feel a little bit swamped. Like I said, I was a bit drunk last night, but I think I handled it ok, I definitely think I didn’t say anything stupid. I told her that it was a good thing to tell me, and that it wasn’t her fault, that she should tell her parents. I told her if she wanted to go to the police I’d come with her and stay with her if she wanted.

She won’t tell me his name or address, but I reckon it wouldn’t be hard to find out from facebook.

Back door jokes are definitely not helpful.

Is there anyone I can talk to? Like the Samaritans or something? Is there any advice I should give her that I might not have already? I’ve never ever had to deal with something like this, and I know how important it is to do it right.

Thanks for reading.

I would take a step back, try to see it as something that happened rather than something you have to deal with now.
I would continue to be supportive, but leave any action or inaction up to her.
It’s tricky, but its not your fight, and you run the risk of it messing up a good thing.

She won’t tell me his name or address, but I reckon it wouldn’t be hard to find out from facebook.

What would you do if you had that information? What ever it is, it’s probably not going to help the situation.

just do what she wants, listen to what she says.

don’t try and arrive at ‘a solution’ on her behalf.

she’s lived with it for this long you need to let her deal with it how she chooses to.

don’t start wading in being ‘blokeish’ it won’t help.

You listened, that’s really all you can do.
Us blokes often make the mistake of thinking we need to take action and try to fix problems for the women we care about, it’s ingrained in us. Mostly just listening is all that is wanted.

Please don’t go steaming in and trying to do something about this, or coerce her into doing anything. You need to be supportive and don’t try to take over the situation.

The fact that you are thinking about how to find out where this guy lives worries me. Nothing that comes from that will be good, even if it may be satisfying (for you, not her) in the short term.

If you want somone to talk to one of the rape crisis centres might be able to find you somone.

Just be a normal boyfriend.

alll good advice so far, and sounds like you’re already doing the right thing (agreed with the others on not going after him, probably reading into your post wrong and apologies for jumping to conclusions but… the ‘finding his name and address thing’ suggests you’d go after him)

rape has a way of effecting not only the victims emotional relationship with sexual activity, but pretty much everything! the fact she’s confiding in you is a HUGE thing and evidence you must be a pretty nice guy that she feels she can trust…. IMHO i would try my hardest not to ruin this by pushing any course of action onto her….

take it at her pace, if you sense any kinda change of mood/resistance when near the subject then remind yourself she’s the victim and every little step towards dealing with it has to come from her.

well done for being a good guy btw 🙂

I guess you also need to find out how she’s dealt with it so far? It could be something that’s been eating her from the inside – and she may need to find a professional. A therapist maybe to help her work it out. Alternatively, she may have found a way of dealing with it and has been able to move on.

I’d suggest she’s at the latter stage – as she’s moved on, into what appears to be a successful relationship with you. So support her, be there when/if she wants to talk about it.

Other than that just try not to dwell on it. She trusts you enough to tell you such a massive thing – something she’s told no one else.

Really tough situation, I just wanted to re-itterate Stuey. listen and dont be tempted to try and fix or find a solution. Works in every part of a relationship, just because she shares something with you doesnt mean you should wade in. Listen, support, let her lead and let her move on if thats what she needs.

As per the first couple of posts.

She doesn’t want you to do anything about it, she’s telling you because she feels you should know about her past and because she wants someone to talk to. She’s just got around to trusting someone, pretty much any ‘action’ is going to guarantee that she’ll be wary of doing it again.

She’s also managed to sleep with you following what happened. I’m guessing that you’re the first since and that’s probably a massive leap forward for her. Think about that.

Listen mate, think for a second how massive a step she took in telling you about the whole thing. It’s more than likely she wants you to listen and be supportive, not “fix it” because there’s nothing you can do to fix it I’m afraid. The only person that can “fix it” is her.

Sad truth: this will NEVER go away for her. Hardly a day will go by for the next few years where she will not think about it. The process she needs to now go through is to learn to put the experience in a box that she can open when she wants and not have it all over her head. A victim never gets over rape, just learns to cope with it. You are now, whether you like it or not, a part of that learning process. She’s let you in and you’re there – your actions now have a huge consequence on how she will deal with it now, in a few weeks and years down the line (whether or not you’re a part of her life then).

Think about how difficult it would be to prove rape in a situation that she described. There’s no point in describing the type of stories he’ll come up with if it ever went to trial – for you right now, it doesn’t bear thinking about. No doubt, matey boy will get his comeuppance sometime – if revenge is desired, then serve it cold, years down the line when he thinks he’s got away with it.

You’re on very delicate eggshells here OP. Tread carefully my friend.

deadlydarcy is 100% correct.

if you need someone to chat to about this then i’ll happily give you my email or mob number dude, i’ve been in the same situation as you and have grown up around the subject of rape and its long lasting effects on relationships. I also have worked with rape victims in my capacity at work.

again… well done for doing the right things so far and obviously being a good enough guy for her to reveal this to you 🙂

deadlydarcy is 100% correct.

Actually I’m not – reading back, it sounds a bit sterner than I was aiming for. OP, I’d like to echo philly’s comments – well done for being there for her so far – it says a lot about you that she’s told you about this and that you’re the first guy she wants to be intimate with since this happened. Good man!

Thanks for the replies, it’s meant a lot to me, this place can be great when you need help.

I will admit one of my first thoughts was to get some close mates, find this guy, and beat the shit out of him. Even now it feels like the right thing to do morally, just not socially, or something. Having some time to think though I know I’m not going to do that. Not sure what I’d do if I ever met him by chance (pretty slim chance though).

I know it’s a massive thing that she’s told me. I know it’s a massive thing that she’s slept with me. I guess that’s why I feel like I should be doing something to make it better, even if I can’t make it right. Like I said, I’ve never really had to deal with anything even remotely close to this.

The logical part of me is also telling me that there is someone out there who has raped a girl who trusted him horribly and got away with it, and that he could do it again, to someone else. Not doing anything about that feels wrong. But I can’t see a way round it. And yeah, Phil, I do realise it would be nearly impossible to prove, but.. I don’t know.

Thanks again for the replies, and the compliments, made me feel a lot better about how I reacted, and it really feels a lot better talking about it.

I will admit one of my first thoughts was to get some close mates, find this guy, and beat the shit out of him.

I appreciate that this may not be what you want to hear but, there’s always an outside chance that she may not be telling the truth. This may be unfair, I don’t know the girl, but I’m not sure that I’d want to the risk of giving a good shoeing to someone who could be innocent.

She lost power and control over her life when she was raped. She won’t want you to take decisions for her or power from her. Listen. Prove to her that blokes can be ok. And don’t be scared of having sex with her, but she gets to say when and how.

Many women get raped, many do get past it or live with it, most rapists don’t get caught or prosecuted. It isn’t your responsibility to seek justice or protect others. It is however your responsibility to exercise the “campground rule”. Whatever happens in your relationship, you should try and leave her in a better state at the end of it than she was at the beginning.

I appreciate that this may not be what you want to hear but, there’s always an outside chance that she may not be telling the truth. This may be unfair, I don’t know the girl, but I’m not sure that I’d want to the risk of giving a good shoeing to someone who could be innocent.

I feel a bit crap for doing so, but I had considered it already. But of what I know about her so far, it seems incredibly unlikely.

And don’t be scared of having sex with her,

That’s one of the things I’m kinda worried about. I think I’m quite glad we had already before she told me.

Mate – you aren’t him, you aren’t like him, and she doesn’t think you are like him. You can help her get through this, but you aren’t a therapist or the police, or Charles Bronson exacting vengeance. Just be a normal bloke. You have showed sensitivity in the way you have brought this subject up.