so far the day is going pretty badly. Anythingyou lot can do to help?
need a laugh
I say I say I say
Q. What Dickens character likes boobies?
A. David Coppafeel.
I did that 1 meself
Two Irish guys are nailing some floorboards down when one of them notices that some of the nails are upside down. The more he goes through them the more of them he realises are upside down. His pal realises he's throwing loads of nails over his shoulder and asks him what the **** he's doing? "Loads of these feckig nails are upside down," he says, "so I'm chucking the feckers". "Jesus don't," says his mate, "hang on to them, they'll do for the ceiling".
Mines the dark blue one on that hangar over there....
these are all working
Never wear Russian underpants,
A guy pulled up alongside me in his car this morning. He said "'Ere mate, got a minute? I'm in a dilemma...". I took a step back and said "Nice cars, dilemmas".
Here all week.
Q: How do you kill an entire circus in one go?
A: Go straight for the juggler!
Q: Why are washing machines rude?
A: They take the p*** out your pants.
A man goes into confession and says "forgive me father. Last night I made love to twins half my age in positions that I think are illegal, over and over again" The priest thinks for a few minutes and says "buy seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass then drink it" "Will this cleanse me sin?" asks the man."No" says the priest "but it'll wipe that f***** smile of your face!"
hooker asks an irish man "why do you have L & R on your wellies?
"so i know which is the Left and which is the Right" repiles the irish man
"ahhh", says the hooker, "that must be why my pants have C&A on them?"
Q: What's the difference between a ginger minge and a cricket ball?
A: If you try really, really, really f*cking hard...you could eat a cricket ball.
Had a chicken tarka last night. Its like a chicken tikka, just a little otter.
Why do mice have such small balls?
Because so few can dance
Why dont witches wear knickers?
So they stick to the broom better
whats ET short for?
cause he's just got little legs!
Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You don't know because you weren't there man!
Two nuns in the bath.
One says to the other "Where's the soap?"
The other replies "Yes, doesn't it!"
13 year old dad Alfie Patten has joined Fathers for Justice, as he already has the Spiderman costume.
Q) What do Roman Abramovich, the Metropolitan police force and a girl with an itchy f*nny have in common?
A) Neither wishes they'd gone for the Brazilian
why did god make pee yellow and cum white?
so the irish could tell if they are coming or going.
- I just got a dog, it's a border collie. It comes home in the school holidays.
- I got stung by a bee yesterday. Charged me £20 for a jar of honey.
- My parents said to me, "Son, we had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for your education." They were both Druids, you see.
Doctor told me I had to stop smoking on medical grounds. So I waited til I left the surgery to spark up.
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