It’s my life. I don’t want it. I feel like this often. It comes in waves. At my best, I’m not very happy, at my worst, pleading with family to understand and forgive. I almost pulled it off once. Why is everything, to the point of being detained (sectioned) against it? It’s my life. I don’t want it.
Seems like a broad church of regulars here so I thought I’d ask. It’s the National Day for it today.

There is help out there, please seek it and ask for it.

I’m not disputing, life is shit at times. I’ve been in the woods with a rope myself and came back. I don’t know why. Now I’m more scared by impulsiveness; I’ve stood on a train platform, heard the “please stand back fast train approaching” warning and thought ‘2 big steps and in 5 seconds i don’t have to deal with this shit any more’.

I really get angry when people say that it’s selfish. OK, in a way it is – to leave families, friends, etc. behind to deal with the guilt and aftermath. To the people who have to deal with the physicalities too. But, when I’m feeling at my worst, to keep on getting up and going on because others rely on you – that’s about as selfLESS an act as there is.

I’ve likened it to a big ‘Reset’ button. If pressed, you are expunged from existence. Everything around you would carry on as if you hadn’t lived, so no families to grieve, no mess left behind. Most days, at some point or another, I’d press that.

Sorry, no real help, just venting and letting you know that you aren’t alone. Get help, it’s out there.

I’ve lived a rich and varied life with soaring highs and empty hollow lows full of dread and despair and abject sorrow and isolation..

I jumped off a cliff during a bad year in my 20s but miraculously survived..
After my body was fixed I experienced a year or two of horror, but since then, along with the ever present struggle I have also known happiness that I could not previously have even imagined..

My approach to life is no nonsense, if things are pissing me off I now put myself first and change those things whatever it takes..
Medication helps me to achieve this..

Be good to yourself or you’ll struggle to be good for anything

Read the desdirata, find things that make YOU happy and don’t let anyone stop you from doing them

I think being able to talk about it, is a good thing. it is people who are unable to talk about their problems and worries, are the people to watch, because they are most likely to commit suicide.

I have been at a pretty low ebb for the last 5 years through constant health problems. in all that time suicide as never been seen as a way out.
too many friends, family to consider.

And definitely definitely what ton said

This year has undoubtedly been the worst of my life. I’ve lost the Woman I’m besotted with along with all my hopes and dreams we shared. I lost my dog as my ex had to move and couldn’t take him with her and I couldn’t have him where I am. My Grandma died; a Woman who was more a Mother to me than my Mum. I’m losing my job due to being off sick for so long and of course I have financial worries due to not being able to work. There’s also been a few other minor things happen this year too. My brain has lost all ability to cope with anything

I’ve been close to doing it, a few times. I’ve posted on here and FB at times when I’ve been really bad. Times when I’ve been in absolute despair with my mind racing out of control, with the adrenaline surging through my body for days on end….. The only thing that stopped me from trying to kill myself? I’m scared to do it, I’m not brave enough to do it. I posted a thread on here just after my ex and I split, about the black dog. Someone commented on there about an article they’d read about people who had survived a suicide attempt of jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. They said that the most common thing that went through their minds as soon as they had jumped and were falling toward the water was that they wished they hadn’t done it….. When I’m in a really dark place I think about that, and just focus on me not being brave enough to do it.

I’ve had some great support from friends on here and others, people offering to put me up for a few days so I can have a change of scenery, offers of going out for rides/beers etc….. All offers I’m extremely grateful for but they are very hard for me to take up as I just want to hide away (missed out on a friends wedding in Scotland this weekend for an example)

I take 8 tablets a day, plus have counselling, and I’m still a long long way off just being able to function normally and get back to work. I feel hopeless and a complete failure at life but there is a perverse little part of me (aside from the normal large perverse side of me!) that wants to see this thing called life through… To not let this illness beat me…. And yes it’s ‘kin tough, almost impossible at times (for example I’ve just been for a walk, but was missing my dog, so spent the whole walk crying) but I want to do it.

I’ve been there, dark bitter twisted and downright hateful days, weeks, months, years.
Three serious attempts on my life, I got found and saved twice, the third time I was arrested just before the train arrived.
Been sectioned, lived in halfway houses, and lost the large majority of my friends because of my illness.

But right now, life is fantastic, better than fantastic, perfect and a gift. I have scars that remind me daily of how far I have come, I wouldn’t change them or the time I spent just below rock bottom. I look back utterly incredulous that I was ever at that point, and for so long.

My point is not hey look how great my life is, but look how great your life can be again. It can be beaten wrong word, it can be managed.
Find whatever help works, strong support networks, a decent doctor, medication, counselling, more exercise, a night in with friends, anything that makes you want to get out of bed and start the fightback one day at a time.

The best bit of advice I can give is don’t fight the bad days, embrace them because sometimes life is a bit shit so its ok to have a wobble.
Just remember to embrace the good days too, make happy memories during them and these will help you through the next bad patch.

Excellent words, Pik n Mix.

The relief that you want, you will never get to feel.

I found this a few weeks ago, it helped me

Dear person with a mental illness,

You feel alone and empty. Sad and angry. You feel so many feelings, I can’t even name them all. It’s not always easy to be you. It’s no easy life. I want to tell you: You can do it. I want to hug you and tell you that you’re worth it. That you are strong.

You are not useless. I know you feel like that. You are not damaged or broken. I know that’s how your body and your mind feel. You are not a failure. I know you think about yourself like that. You are not a monster. I know that’s what you see when you look in the mirror. Instead, I want to tell you what you really are. You are a warrior. You are a fighter. You are a survivor.

And you are loved by so many people — it can just be hard to see when you’re stuck in your own hole of darkness, emptiness and sadness. They are there for you. You just need to take a look around.

You are worth it. You are a unique, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, curious, kind, smart and an inspiring human being. You deserve a good life. You are a winner. Your world is full of light and darkness. And that’s OK! That’s just the way your are and I’m fine with that.

You are a person filled with light and darkness, black and white, happiness and sadness. This doesn’t mean you’re broken, damaged or split. I know you feel like that, but please, stop it. It’s not your fault.

People treat you differently as soon as they hear the words “mental Illness.” They change, but please, stop thinking that’s your fault. It‘s not even your problem. Forget about them. They are not worth it. You are! Say goodbye to them and never look back. They don‘t deserve your kindness, wonderfulness and uniqueness. They just don’t deserve you. You are better than them.

I know you feel like you’re not strong enough. Believe me, mental illness has nothing to do with strength. You are not weak just because you have to deal with that. It rather means you are so strong. You are still alive, aren’t you? I love you for being so strong and brave. I’m thankful for you being strong enough to stay alive.

We are all humans. We make mistakes. This doesn’t depend on whether you have mental illness or not. Forgive yourself for the things you’ve done or never did. Forgive yourself for everything. You don’t need the shame. You don’t need the regrets and the sorrow. Forget them. We all make mistakes and that’s OK.

You are a dreamer. You can create stories from out of nothing. You can fill hours and hours with tales you just excogitated. You are creative, a dancer, a singer. You are special. You are great. Never forget that.

I know how you feel. I am you. You are me.

It’s not easy for me to write this down. I know tomorrow you won’t listen anymore. Tomorrow, you won’t see it this way, but I have to write it down for you. Maybe you will listen someday. I write this down for you, my dear. Maybe you can read it when you’re down or when you’re broken. Maybe it helps you out, I don’t know.

I hope I’ll come back soon. I want to give you the strength you need to carry on. Please, never forget you don‘t need to carry the world on your shoulders. You deserve breaks. You deserve a good life. You deserve the good things that happen to you. You are great the way you are. You are loved. I love you, and I will always be there, somewhere inside. Just don‘t forget me.

Be you, my love. Laugh and love. Cry and scream. Be silly and ridiculous. Listen to music and dance on the floor as wildly as you can. Jump and run. Swear if you need to. Watch silly films and television shows. Climb on woods.

Read books. Or even better: finally write your books! They are already hidden inside of you. Write your songs down and sing them as loud as you can! Dance to your own kind of music. Be your own kind and never feel guilty for it. Take the time you need. Take the healing you need, and never ever ever feel guilty. Never!

You are not alone. We will stand this together. We can lean on each other.

Love,
Yourself

I was shocked about two months ago to discover a university friends son had committed suicide at 15. Kyle was almost the same age as our eldest son, and the news floored me. Kyle was full of life, from a loving family, and yet still clearly had challenges and issues in life.

Please do speak about these things wth each other – it has made me speak to my lads about mental health.

I had some dark days a few years ago now, 8 or 9.

It wasn’t depressions per-se, ‘situational sadness’ I think you’re supposed to say now rather than depression – but I felt pretty depressed, it becomes physical thing on really bad days.

A combination of things, a nasty accident that meant I was in a lot of pain a lot of the time for months and no recovery in sight. I’d been made redundant from my only real employer up to then, and I’d been forced move home with my parents again at 30.

I remember trying to climb out of bed at 11am or something (I’m usually up at 6) and just thinking “this is shit” I had literally nothing to get up for, I could stay in bed for the rest of the day and nothing would be missed, and the next day, and 3 after that until I was time to sign-on or go to Physio for an hour.

I decided to end with a Motorbike ‘Accident’ it was easy really – I could *just* about ride that, it hurt but if I took enough Tramadol I could do it (they really didn’t help either) given the public perception of the dangers of motorbikes I reckoned I could simply wind it up to some stupid speed on a quiet stretch of road, and ride into a sign, lamppost, wall whatever – I’d been dead almost instantly and without leaving a note they’d record it as accidental, my life insurance would pay out, as would my motorbike insurance – my next of kin would have a decent pile of cash to pay for my funeral and settle my affairs and they wouldn’t have to suffer the stigma of it.

When it came to it, I couldn’t do it, weirdly riding made me feel alive again, it wasn’t a massive sweeping change in outlook, but enough to tip the balance back to life for me. I opened up about it to my Mum, we talked it out a bit and I started pushing forward again, I wrote a list of all the things that made me unhappy, and another list of all the things I wanted in life. It’s much harder than you think to REALLY decide what makes you happy and not just stops you feeling unhappy for a few moments. Working through the list gave me purpose and 12 months later I’d ticked off most things, or they stopped being important because my life had changed.

I still get the odd dark day now, but it’s rare. It’s a sort of weird paranoia these days, I’m convinced my Wife hates me, my workmates loath me, my real mates are laughing at me behind my back – but it passes.

Great to see you guys openly able to speak about; I still find it hard. Reading some of the over makes me feel as if there will be judgment on me for “not really being depressed”. I think that’s the difficulty really, I may not have thought about ending it or have tried, but I still have really difficult days where I just don’t want to be in the place I am, to be able to run away from it all.

Sometimes it all gets over whelming and I end up in a stinking mood, unable to pick myself up. a lot of the time it feels as if I’m just wasting my life….if I don’t measure up to that Kodak picture of my self then I’m just shit…

I decided to write a blog as a way for me to write down my thoughts and experiences to see if that helps; its generally about me trying to find a system that helps me….an well it does help but its no quick or permanent fix

Excellent words, Three Fish.

I’ve had to deal with depression, mostly but not exclusively because of SAD, for the best part of ~25 years. But somehow, through the various low points in my life, I’ve never contemplated ending it.

As I’ve got older, I’ve come to appreciate having daily alone time, away from the rat race and time away from everyone (including my better half)… Completely the opposite of how I was in my teens, when I craved company!

Never been depressed or suicidal so don’t understand the thought process. Not really.

I lost a good mate to suicide this year, I ‘m about over it now as I can talk about it without getting upset but its something that will never leave me. The worst part was finding out he had been severely depressed his whole life, he’d told me he was depressed and getting therapy a couple of months before but only because it was a relevant conversation point. I never imagined for a minute how bad he was.

I don’t kid myself that I could have stopped it but there’s always a thought that wonders if I could have made a dark time better.

I suppose my point is this – cherish those that matter to you because you never know what baggage they are carrying. And if they do open up don’t shrug it off or put it in a ‘sad but managable’ box. And take time to learn from actual reputable sources, talking people down by telling them they are selfish is about the worst way possible to make someone feel better about their life. As said, its all about them, screw everyone else (in the sense of what they need rather than what they think)

I’d still give him a kick in the nuts for all the crap he put us through, even if I do miss him.

Had some dark times in the last couple of years. I know that feeling on a train platform, on a cliff edge, thinking about a long walk with a hip flask on a freezing winters night.

Not really wanting to be dead, just not here, not having the bad parts of this life. Escaping, running away, rather than ending in a box.

I’ve known two people who have killed themselves. One took her kids with her as well. Destroyed their father and her parents, even now, 20 years on.

The other was my mentor at work. His wife couldn’t face coming into the office to collect his effects, so parked outside and sent their son in. He was about 9, same age as my youngest now. He looked lost, in our big reception. Unsure and scared. I took the box of his dad’s things to him, not much in it.

He just said “Did you know my dad?” I was only 21 at the time and it broke my heart. I told him I’d known his dad, and he had been kind, and helpful, and funny, and that I would miss him. Poor lad just thanked me and walked out. I spent a few minutes in a toilet cubicle getting my head back together.

No matter how bad it has got, not doing that to my kids has kept me the right side of the line.

The counselling and medication make those moments less likely, but I still have very bad days.

I’ve been there too. First time was 20 years ago with severe post-natal depression. Most recently, I spent 2 and a half years mostly in a depression. I was massively over-working, exhausted, impending redundancy, had a back problem and thought I would have to give up cycling (thankfully now resolved by surgery), insomnia, and frequent severe migraines. I had frequent thoughts of suicide which really distressed me. I can’t tolerate any antidepressants and was struggling on unmedicated, until Spring this year when I reached the top of the waiting list for high intensity counselling. It’s been brilliant, a life-saver. My counsellor is fantastic, but it can be a lottery getting the right counsellor for you.
There is a way back up 🙂

Having worked in mental health and haveing a freind who is currently suffering depression and had to take early retirement from a stresfull job, the most important thing is theyre still a freind, despite their mood changes, their upset and euphoria, theyre not well just like haveing a stomach ache or the flu, these are talked about, mention mental health and youre classed as some sort of axe weilding nutter, youre not, youre ill.

Chatting to strangers or true freinds , you find out who your freinds are, all helps, dont bottle things up, phone the samaritans for free from any phone, chat online,be yourself, have a laugh have a cry, have a rant all helps to keep you in a good place, and tommorow and this week start a conversation about mental health awareness with your mates, wether suffering or not and see what reaction you get, as they say Every little helps.

It really is great to read some honest experiences and thoughts on this subject on a forum which at times I think ‘why do I bother’, threads like this remind me that with the bad comes the fantastic.

I think the stigma behind depression really is something we need to fight somehow but its hard in a world where for every honest struggling person there’s another five people who fake it and another 10 who never mention it because of the five bad eggs. I recently had to have a month off work because I just couldn’t function in life due to stress/depression/whatever you want to call it and a big part of the worry for having time off was how would I be perceived when I finally got back to work, would I become the person everyone was talking about, the person everyone was judging? Now I’m back the few people who know me well/who saw the results know how much I was struggling and for the others at work they soon forget and have something else to talk about. I now try to provide an alternative angle for anyone who mentions someone who is off with depression and anxiety. Sure they may be one of the five fakers but its worth the breathe in my lung for the 11 other people and to fight for peoples views and opinions to change.

Through the many dark periods I’ve had over the years despite thinking many times how to end it, for me it’s always a huge battle between being one of the people plagued by a heavy fear of dying and the wanting to block out how I cant bear to breathe anymore. My mum has been great, trying to support me and give me jobs like writing lists of positive things I’ve achieved that day or even that hour but my dad hasn’t been the best as he’s someone who thinks ‘what have you got to be sad about’. I cling on to the happy periods and hope they provide me the strength to get through the next bad phase and so far they have.

So far I haven’t found any solace in asking for help at the doctors, counselling that never appeared, drugs that would mean I could maybe not drive or exercise. However, I know a tonne of other people who have pushed and driven it enough to get good and decent help and I always cant help but feel like there’s worse off people than me and I’m just being pathetic by asking for help. Also I’m really rather stubborn and find it difficult at times to admit that ‘I’m not okay’.

I’m not sure mental health day works, I think we need to be more vocal and more positive and sharing with people on a day to day basis. Those people you hear talk negatively about depression, tell them about this thread and how people genuinely are struggling maybe….

I always cant help but feel like there’s worse off people than me and I’m just being pathetic by asking for help. Also I’m really rather stubborn and find it difficult at times to admit that ‘I’m not okay’.

Being honest with myself and asking for help were both the hardest and best things I’ve done to get on top of it.

What a collection of thoughtful, articulate and deeply introspective writing! The thing is people who are well just don’t think about their feelings in this way. I’ve been lucky and never really experienced depression but some suicides of friends and family recently have made me a bit more aware. A friend who’s life was torn apart when his partner killed herself after fighting depression all her life. She must have got to the point where she believed the world was better off without her: The opposite is of course true which is what is so hard for her friends and loved ones.

Not specifically related to suicide, but I recently heard about the potential benefits of cold water therapy on mental health so I’ve been having cold showers most mornings for the past couple of weeks and I really feel euphoric and invigorated by them. I’m interested to know whether they will help if I reach rock bottom again one day.

I used to be a bloody mess. Reckless, drinking to self medicate, was an absolute **** to my wife and willfully self destructive. I hated myself and didn’t care if I lived or died. Once it became clear to me the damage I was doing to others I learned to suppress those parts of my personality and trained myself to be “normal”, mainly because I just didn’t have the balls to kill myself,but didn’t want to carry on hurting people.
I did OK as a zombie for a few years, but then it started manifesting itself as anger. I would rant about just about anything, because it fed the beast inside me.
Eventually, I realised that most of my problems came from avoiding or masking the parts of my mind I felt ashamed of. Through a mixture of honesty, Buddhism, exercise and stress avoidance, I’m relatively stable, but there are always them days when I just can’t get up and get on with things, but I’m lucky to have a wife that knows the difference between lazy me and depressed me and doesn’t add guilt to the mix.
Rambling now, I guess my point is that that it is part of me, part of my mind and I acknowledge it, without letting it dominate my life. I neither indulge nor deny it, just let it be and do my best to get on.

Been watching this thread all day.
My dad killed himself when I was 3 or so.
Never really spoken about it with my mum.
I’ve had an overwhelming obsession in my head to commit suicide since I was 11.
I cannot now or have ever been able to see beyond a month.
I want to say so much and keep writing it out but keep deleting stuff, so frustrating

Mark, we’re here to listen if you need it.

Talking about your depression and problems is good .I have friends who are in dark places .Talking to people helps .Do you seek medical help?

Mark, I hope you can talk on here, but if you don’t think you can please call your local crisis care team.

They’ve helped my wife a lot in the last couple of months and given me counselling as well. They’re NHS so they can get you into the system so you can get longer term help as well. You don’t necessarily have to talk to them much because they’re good at understanding how you feel

It needs saying over and over again.

There is no shame in feeling suicidal.

I don’t have a great deal to add other than to say as someone who has ‘dabled’ with mental health issues at times of acute pressure or stress in their adult life (anxiety, depression, self harm, suicidal ideation) it is genuinely refreshing, hugely positive and inspiring to hear people talk so openly and candidly about thier tough times and struggles. You are great ambassadors in showing that no matter how dark the night you are not alone and with help, the sun will rise

It’s shocking yet reassuring to know that other people go through this. I’ve struggled with depression since my late teens. I’m now almost forty and back on anti-depressants. I’ve had some seriously low moments in the last few months and thought about ending things. Looking at my son, a two and a half year old bundle of energy and happiness, stops me dead in my tracks most times.

Life can be shit and extremely difficult to cope with. Finding something to occupy the mind can help. I actually find this place, with its endless threads on a multitude of topics, a good place for switching off from daily life for a bit. Thanks for starting this thread and stay strong.

Interesting thread. I have suicidal thoughts regularly, have done since my early teens, so 20/30 years now. I’ve planned how to do it, where to do it and what to do to prevent anyone ill equipped sorting out the aftermath. That’s a big concern for me really, the problems of ensuring that whoever has to deal with my corpse and the rest of it can do so easily and without too many emotional repercussions. That and that my dependents are suitably provisioned for.

Of course I have a wife, children, siblings and parent to think about too, so I will have to wait a good 20/30 years before I put any plan into action (unless something big happens that means my responsibilities suddenly disappear). If I even do it at all of course.

The weird thing is that I don’t think I’m depressed, or suffer from depression. It’s more just a lack of enjoying stuff. Dignity on their website explain this as a “weariness of life” and that about sums it up. I don’t have the black hole of despair that other posters have talked about. I know that if I go then there will be people upset, they won’t automatically be better off without me (though there is every chance they would be!).

I think it may be a selfish act for me to do, I don’t think I could put it down to mental health the like, my thoughts seem pretty rational and I have considered and read a lot about the subject over the years.

Feels good to write it down though.

Thanks for listening.

I’ll post something later when I have a few minutes to myself.

The weird thing is that I don’t think I’m depressed, or suffer from depression. It’s more just a lack of enjoying stuff.

That’s how I once put it to my dad. He just got angry at me for not enjoying stuff. Oh how we laughed…

As others have mused, it’s good to read some honest accounts and viewpoints even if some aren’t entirely positive. That’s also a step forward for this forum and those that choose to censor folk’s opinions on subjects such as suicide without having any insight into its crippling effect.

I still can’t bring myself to write down my feelings on this matter after doing so and having them removed for being tactless on a thread about suicide but, at risk of being tautological, it’s good others have the skills to do so with such honesty and clarity and it remains, uncensored, for all to see.

:: Just taken me almost 20 mins to write the above because I wrote and deleted, wrote and deleted. Hanging your arse out for all to see is never a good idea, right…

Just taken me almost 20 mins to write the above because I wrote and deleted, wrote and deleted. Hanging your arse out for all to see is never a good idea, right…

this is how I feel, in regards to both the forum and life more generally. After 38 years I am beginning to see this is crippling and isolating me. I do try and address it.

It made me sweat just writing those two lines.

The weird thing is that I don’t think I’m depressed, or suffer from depression. It’s more just a lack of enjoying stuff.

+1000

But as the Doctor that i finally went to and spoke about it said, what exactly do you think depression is then? It doesn’t have to be a crippling unable to function illness. In many ways that’s ‘easier’ to deal with because it’s more visible and understandable for others; the ‘I just can’t be bothered with this any more’ type is i think far more prevalent but also far more likely to be the type that has people telling you to pull yourself together and look at all the good things that you have and there’s people far worse off. And then you feel guilty for feeling like that, or a fraud because you haven’t got the uncontrollable sobbing version that people think is ‘real’ depression, and as a result your self-esteem goes a bit lower.

It’s also why i think it’s possibly a bigger problem for men. Because just as with physical issues, we don’t take action soon enough. A bit of chest pain – probably a pulled muscle….if it’s not better in a few days i’ll see someone. Bit of a lump – probably not, I’ll leave it to see if it gets any worse. Constantly feeling down with frequent suicidal thoughts….. it’s a phase;you’re working hard at the moment, once you finish that project I’m sure it’ll get better.

Go and see someone, if for no other reason to understand that just like any other illness, there are degrees of severity and left unchecked, they usually get worse not better.

Mark

I was in a similar situation to you
same family history
same obsession
no long term vision

contact me via email if you want to chat

Hey ho in for a pound since there are more obviously out there suffering this, whatever it is, to me it’s just a logical out, everyone dies sooner or later why not at a time to suit me? The guy on cold feet last night finally got us, me and the mrs talking about stuff like this in a roundabout way. I don’t like to bother her, she’s treading the same path but handling it in a different way, my generation don’t do this hanging your feelings out there, we just get on, grit teeth and find a way through it and for most of our lives it’s got us here.

The problem is here aint anything like we thought it would be I’m not going to bore you with our particular predicament but it’s not unlike everything writ above, money, health, self esteem, shit work conditions but most of all no longer a vision of a future, kids all grown and away, no real purpose other than striving to pay bills keep the taxman at bay, the occasional bailiff, keep up appearances and for what? Another five maybe ten years of it getting worse? Why the hell not, it is my life, I’ve done my bit, I’ve had enough, I want to go, why is it so wrong and anyway who cares what anyone else thinks, it’s kind of a big deal blowing your brains out in itself.

Then maybe a good day, Sunday was a good day, felt a bit better, maybe lifes OK after all, but by Monday end and a day full of shit, then today more bills other issues that haven’t gone away and then I come here in the hope there’s something funny or irritating to comment on and we’re all talking suicide..

My normal exit from all this, get the bike out once I’m on it I do tend to drift away and think about other things, but I’ve got a frikking puncture, both bikes, I keep getting bloody punctures, been riding slicks all summer which has helped but even the rear of the XC bike is now flat, why am I even rambling about this?

Does it even help? No, not at all, am I going to ‘do it’ today? probably not, but I think about it all the time, every day, not a week goes by and it only takes something trivial like a bloody puncture to make me think **** it maybe it’s time and how stupidly trivial is that? I’ve got a puncture I’m going to committ suicide as mental a logic as ever there could be, but it is very real so you guys I know exactly what your going through but can’t help you, can’t even help myself, don’t really even want to help myself, certainly don’t want anyone else trying to help, is that even logical? No.

I think I read this on here on another thread. Once you’ve had depression it’s hard to go back, it’s like stripping away the veneer that gives life a purpose and once you’ve seen how pointless and futile it is you can’t unsee it. Had no idea that so many people on here have had or have depression. Is it a sign of the times perhaps?

Although I’ve considered ending things I’ve also seen what it does to those left behind. Believe me you’ll be missed and the world of hurt and emotional scars left on those you love will never heal. If this thread even helps one person to readjust their views on mental illness or makes someone think twice about ending it, then it’s a worthwhile thread to have started.

I wake most days and have to go through the “why not suicide” debate with myself to some degree or another, and judging by appearances I have it all,, time,love, money, a dream bike…It feels like I should be happy but I just never feel it, just degrees of sadness or whatever you call it. I’ve been on the verge a few times and I don’t know why I didn’t but it hasn’t happened yet. Afterwards I’m always glad because I would hate to put those I love through the “why couldn’t I see/help?” thing but it’s still true that I keep returning to a place of pain so deep that I don’t want to bear it any more. Been through all the usual “help” and some of it has been useful, notably psychotherapy, but still I never feel real joy so find myself asking “what is the point?” a lot…